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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sleeping with my daughter...

126 replies

TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 18:27

Oh come all ye great wise owls of MNET and tell me when is the right time?
DD will be 18 soon. She has a lovely boyfriend who I really like - clean, sensible... She would like him to stay the night in the Xmas holidays. I said for now he must sleep in separate room. She would like to know how long this will go on for?
I haven't got a clue.
WWYD?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 22:40

crack, am loving it

nicefleece · 06/12/2009 22:42

Love the post earlier - adult enough to earn own cash, pay for rent, then adult enough to have sleepover with knobs on!

Parents' home - maybe this is where you can escape from any pressures to be 'grown up' and behave like the petulant teenager you are.

Also love the post about shag sounds spoiling Corrie (or in my case Gardener's World, maybe I am an old fart....)

I have 2 boys, and girlfriends won't be staying here until the boys have their own place, I think....

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 22:42

How many couples have sex for the first time when parents are close by?

It must be really rare, and not something that you would 'traditionally' expect.

And if a girl is going to scream, she is not raedy!

Hassled · 06/12/2009 22:42

Why make sex difficult? At 17 she is not a child - I assume she's in a loving relationship, and being 17 she will have sex regardless of whether the parent approves. Much better that she has an adult relationship with her mother where it can be discussed sensibly, that she knows about safe sex and her right to say no. I really don't see the problem. And I have a 22 year old and a 20 year old, neither of whom have any issues with independence.

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:46

Well of course she's not ready if she's screaming. But she might feel pressured into doing something if she's somewhere that isn't her own home IYSWIM.

And as for losing virginity/sex for the first time with parents present more than you would expect....

Anyway this is getting away from the acutal issue which is, regardless of whether they're having sex or not, sleeping together in a bed under the parental roof.

GorgeousMumOfTwo · 06/12/2009 22:46

I believe AMS said something along the lines of if her dd won't share a room with her boyfriend under her roof, neither would she be at the backseat of a car with him.. or the bushes..

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 22:47

The problem is that 17 is not a great age to have sex. If they get pregnant, then their options aren't good. Just having a relationship that ends is not good either. They are unlikely to enter into a lifelong relationship at that age.

Why don't parents teach their children that there are no regrets to waiting?

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:47

I quite like the do what you want till 11 pm but then sleep apart idea, actually.

I still don't like the 'send them somewhere else to have sex, pretend it can't be happening' idea though - now that's what I call turning a blind eye!

TidyHollyBush · 06/12/2009 22:47

I've been with DH since I was 14 and we got married when I was 20. We didn't share a bed until our wedding night as we respected our parents' wishes.

My DDs will not be sleeping with their bfs in our house until they have moved out and are living as independent adults.

I'd be most uncomfortable welcoming lads into our family on such an intimate level, only for them to fall out and then we have to go through the same situation a year or whatever down the line with a different one.

Whilst I hope my DDs will be able to confide in me when they feel ready for a sexual relationship, I really don't want it flaunted in front of me.

So OP I say stick to your guns and tell your DD that it will go on for as long as you think it's appropriate.

ninja · 06/12/2009 22:49

ilovemydogandmrobama - I thought the same as you

AwesomeWellies that's also what I was thinking.

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:54

What makes you think that a parent who would let a bf stay over wouldn't also try to teach a child that there's nothing wrong with waiting?

There's a difference between teaching someone something and enforcing one's own views.

I wouldn't be giving permission for this unless I knew my daughter had a very good knowledge of everything to do with contraception, pregnancy - good sex and relationships education in other words, wherever from.

Just banning a bf from staying over could be seen as the cop out from teaching vital lessons, in some ways - depends if it goes along with the sex and relationships stuff or is just laid down as The Rule.

GorgeousMumOfTwo · 06/12/2009 22:55

Hassled, "being 17 she will have sex regardless of whether the parent approves"

I totally disagree. I guess it depends on the kind of relationship the parents have with their daughter or how she was brought up.

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:57

17 may not be a great age to have sex but I don't agree that there are no regrets attached to waiitng. But the regrets of not waiting are outweighed by the benefits of waiting IMHO. If, at 17, a girl (or boy...) decides to have sex and she decides in the full knowledge of what may happen and the effect it will have on a relationship then she is going to and there's not a lot anyone can do about it.

Original poster
TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 23:01

I'm very glad that my DD hasn't had sex yet - because I do value the waiting. she is in the minority however, average age nowadays is 14.

I wouldn't preach "no sex before marriage" - my mother did that, and I did wait until I was 19 but then had children before marriage - which DD obviously knows.

I think the point about her feeling pressure that the relationship had become more serious and onto the next level is a very valid one that I had not considered. And it is this point that I will discuss with her. I already do the okay until 11 o'clock thing - but I wondered whether maybe that was hypocritical of me.

Independence never has been a problem for her, so I don't worry about that. I am glad that she is discussing this stuff with me - I am not her mate, very much her mother, complete with rod of iron when necessary. but ye gods it can be bloody hard when they are older but not that old.

OP posts:
gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 23:03

I'd just want to keep that communication window open, and saying "I hope you know better than to have sex before you're married" shuts that utterly if, actually, a daughter does start to have sex. At that point you've shut yourself off from being any kind of support if things go wrong. That would worry me. That odesn't mean I'd go to th eopposite end and say "oh go on if you think you fancy it, start having sex, there are no pitfalls, off you go". Nor would I let any old bf stay over for any dd of any age - it would totlaly depend on what she was like, wha the was like, how it had been going, what she showed she understood (or didn't) about relationships. I just can't imagine ruling it out because "we don't do sex before marriage in this family".

Maybe I knew too many girls at my vairy naice school who were in sexual relationsihps that their parents knew nothing about, to trust the idea that if the parents ban something, that's what actually happens.

Original poster
TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 23:06

Oh and we have had full and complete discussions about contraception, relationships, pressure and we will continue these discussions. she is very clued up on the contraceptive issue - informed me that you cannot be sure if a boy is carrying "kite marked" condoms and so should carry your own. she was taught this in school. I don't know if they were kite marked in my day

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 23:07

gel, no-one is talking about putting a blanket ban on any pre-marital sex

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 23:08

I think the 11 pm idea is good. It gives a daughter the option to come out of her room while adults are still up and about, while still giving her privacy within the home as a better alternative to the back of a car etc.

kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon · 06/12/2009 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 23:11

AMS seems to be saying something very like that, I think that's what I was responding to.

I didn't know condoms were kite marked either - blimey.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 23:14

I think AMS is in the minority (on this thread at least)

cory · 06/12/2009 23:15

I am thankful for the sake of my poor old mother that she does not share AMS's views. Out of her 4 children, 2 are married to their partners and 2 are not. We are all between 40 and 50 and all have children. And we all come over to stay in the holidays.

So what would she do? Tell us, 'you can share a bedroom with your husband, and so can you, but I will have to insist on you and you sleeping apart because it's my house and my rules.'

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 23:20

My first thought was 'gosh between 40 and 50 is old' and my second was 'that describes me too, aaaaaargh'.

I'm just sitting quietly and rocking now.

NotanOtter · 06/12/2009 23:23

teenage wildlife

where did you read 14 is average age to lose virginity?

bbc says

'The average age of first (heterosexual) intercourse is 16 in the UK. It was 21 in the 1950s.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 23:25

14 ??????

< faints >

< rallies >

< faints again >