Sleeping with my daughter...

[TeenageWildlife]

Oh come all ye great wise owls of MNET and tell me when is the right time?
DD will be 18 soon. She has a lovely boyfriend who I really like - clean, sensible... She would like him to stay the night in the Xmas holidays. I said for now he must sleep in separate room. She would like to know how long this will go on for?
I haven't got a clue.
WWYD?

wondering, fabulous post

hadn't put it like that, but felt it

yes, allowing them to be "adults" ie. sleeping in same bed in parental home gives the r'ship too much importance which is really not a good idea at this age

when I was nearly 18, I didn't have such a "significant" relationship and I wouldn't want my dd to, either

makes total sense

and again, they are not actually 18 yet

I don't care, bada. I hate modern values, so I am happy to be called old-fashioned.

Do you think that your children won't grow up and shag then AMS

ams aren't 'modern' and 'values' something like a contradiction in terms?

They've been brought up well. They will have sexual relations (DV), but within marriage.

Don't drag us all down to your level.

Im thinking about the adult question

For me I think you are an legally an adult at 18 but if you are still living permanantly at home with your parents you arent really an adult are you
Not if your mum/dad cooks your dinner, does your washing etc

When you are living independantly, working, paying bills, cooking, washing etc - adult responsibilities = adult relationships

Obviously that doesnt theory doesnt work if dd is 35 and still living at home

Well I sleep in the same bed as my partner and guess what AMS I'm not married ... are you for real ?

AF - sorry for the hijack everyone - we discussed caravans when I posted as the outdoorlifeforme. We bought one! Thanks so much for the encouragement .

Hijack over...back to the discussion...

I never asked to share a room in my family home until I got engaged. Because then I felt he was part of my wider family. Up until then, I saw my relationships as my personal business, and although my parents etc met boyfriends, they never got too involved with each other. That made dumping/being dumped much easier!

I'm with WonderingWondering on this too.

When I was that age (and I was allowed to have my boyfriend over, and eventually yes we did have sex - after several months) my mum told me that at this age I was physically mature enough for sex, but not emotionally mature enough. Her line was that she would support me emotionally through it by allowing it in her home.

I think her viewpoint was partly informed by the fact that a) her boyfriend when she was 18 was known to jump out the window when her parents came home and b) she did do it in the bushes at the park.

She was comfortable with it, but if you're not than as with everything in parenting, make your mind up then ignore what other people say!

I don't even think the whole "serious relationship" too soon is the issue TBH.

As I said before I wasn't allowed to sleep in same room as boyfriend at that age, nor us at his house. Despite this we stayed together and by 18y our relationship was serious and becoming more so. We met at 16y and we are still together now, some 20 years later. We went to different universities and were not allowed to share a room at parent;s houses even during tht time. We were allowed from the day we moved into our own place together - so we were about 22y IIRR. Not sleeping together in our fsmily homes made no difference to our serious relationship.

I don't really care what you get up to, halfcut, or how proud you are of it.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Sorry but I never saw any of my 18 year olds as children ..

laura, yes I remember you, but can't recall your old name (no need to remind me)

I remember everything < flicks through little black book >

it is making me smile to recall our discussion

and I totally agree with your last post

if I had slept in the same bed as the bf I had when I was 17 (thus validating the relationship), I shudder to think how that might have turned out !!

oh dear

Good for you AMS

wondering, congrats on your new home !

I should have realised we were on the same wavelength !

blimey, am loving this thread

that is two namechangers now who have outed themselves to me !

< feels warm glow >

thanks for posting this totally unrelated issue, OP

carry on...

AF
Im still not going to say your name though!
But we do agree on A LOT

I can tell you exactly when I will be allowed to sleep in the same bed as my partner under my parent's roof. It will the 21st of December this year because we are getting married on the 19th. He'll be staying for a week beforehand (I'm temporarily at home as he's forces and just been permanently deployed overseas so we were slightly homeless for a bit, not being married ) and we will be in separate rooms then.

If that's what my parents want to dictate then that's fine by me. It's nothing to do with whether we have sex or not! It's their house, their rules.

OTOH my ex's parents assumed that we would be sharing a room (I was 20 or so at the time) and that did make me uncomfortable - we'd only been together a month and they were treating us like we were married! It ended badly....

OP - it's perfectly reasonable for you to impose your family values on your daughter and if you don't like the idea of them sharing a room then tell her so. If you want them in separate rooms until they're acutally living together, engaged or married then it's up to you. Personally I think any of those are reasonable (but my parents are old fashioned and only think it's reasonable if we're married!)

apostrophe error - I have 2 parents so it should be my parents' roof

I actually feel quite warm and fuzzy after reading this thread. The vast majority of Mumsnetters go along with the parents' wishes, and not hte feral instincts of the teenagers.

Now come on,my ds is a bit moody sometimes but hardly feral