DD being called a 'lesbian' and 'gay bitch' at school - she is dreading every morning.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

DD is 13 and has several girls and boys calling her a lesbian and gay bitch/slut etc.

All stemmed from a friend having a sleepover this weekend. DD wrote 'dd heart friend' on her bedroom mirror. DD's friend has now 'discussed' this with other friends who have all said (horrified) urgh well gay etc.

DD responded with something along the lines of there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian anyway and some of my closest family are gay, you bigots (my mum and aunty are lesbians so it is viewed as normal in our hosue)

Now it seems half of her friends are saying she is gay, and people are coming up to her in corridors saying you must be a lesbian, you like rugby .

DD has been to her teacher, who has said 'well, you didn't exactly help yourself by saying that your gran is a lesbian, added fuel to the fire etc' to which response I am a bit about.

DD has just text me to say that everyone seems to be laughing at her and she is really upset. I have tried to talk to her year head, she is calling me back. I just feel awful for dd and don't know what to do.

Any advice?

hope the school manages to effectively turn it around and do it fast. Teenagers are so obsessed with anything related to sex. I can imagine they are quite enthralled with this although none of them believe for a moment she is lesbian anyway.

Very surprised that the girls have turned on her in this way. DD's friends at this age used to have each others names in henna tatoos on their hands, and write the names of all of their friends on rough books etc. No bullying at all. FB is full of girls telling each other they love them as well as declaring undying love for that boy they have been seeing 2 weeks .

The teachers comments were very much out of order and you've every right to complain.

Hope your DD is OK, they will be picking on someone else next week.

I have just spoken to dd and she has not seen year head - year head has not rung me. Just called the school to speak to her to find she has gone home. Pissed off as she said that she would speak to dd today. So will be ringing tomorrow morning. Actually will see about going in in the morning to see if I can speak to year head/pastoral staff , however I used to work in a school and I know that mornings are not a very good time. But, I want dd to see that I am supporting her and not just sending her in to cope. I don't know what to do really.

This is a text which dd sent me earlier, word for word:

'well everyone keeps calling me a lesbian, my food got knocked out of my hand and went all over the floor, and everyone keeps talking about me'

I feel like (a) crying (b) going up to that school like Peggy Mitchell and shouting at everyone (c) keeping her at home. None of which is going to help.

Thanks everyone for listening and advice Good old mumsnet, it's not just P&T parking rant threads!

oh dear god, your poor DD. Am and at school.

I think I would go for the peggy mitchel approach once I heard about the food being knocked out of her hands

How horrible, I've had to deal with bullying problems with my DD (her 'crime' is she's small with speech difficulties ), and I know how awful it makes you feel.

Good luck, I hope the school sorts it out quickly.

Twattish behaviour by teenagers and weak response from the school! Can you speak to the head?

I have just tried to call the school to speak with the pastoral worker for her year (have spoken to her before, she is lovely) but the school is bloody well closed now.

I feel awful at the thought of sending her in tomorrow. Bloody little shits. The thought of someone knocking her dinner out of her hands.

She sounds very unhappy, have just spoken to her, she is also pissed off with me (it seems) for ringing the school etc, it's all 'oh mum stop making a fuss it will make things 10 times worse'. I hate that resigned sound in her voice. She has always adored school, it is awful to hear her so down about it. She is adamant that she is not going to rugby practice on Thursday because she is sick of the dyke jokes.

She is 13 fgs. Still my baby

the poor kid

Can you go in tomorrow in person to speak to the pastoral worker/make an appointment?

I would leave her at home for now but I know it may not be the right approach. The longer they carry on like this, the more the mud would stick, so I would take her right out of it till you hear how the school is going to progress.

Oh Jesus God, kids really are pathetic.

I used to get called a 'lesbo' because I was the only girl who could hit a decent run in rounders. They would all drag their sorry arses round the bases once I'd bloody hit it though. And they all wanted to be on my team when we had an away game.

Jealousy is usually part of it. I expect your DD is good at rugby.

I know EXACTLY how she is feeling and I really do feel for her.

Obviously not the way to go about it, but mine was eventually settled by a bit of a fisticuffs involving a hockey stick and a bleeding eyebrow as the school did nothing (10 yrs ago). (I used to get all smashed up the shins on the sly during hockey too)

I have just spoken to her again (I am sat at work on a fucking useless CONFERENCE CALL and can't wait to get the hell off this phone so I can go home) and she has said that she is not going into school tomorrow. I have no idea what to do.

i dont bloody blame her. Until she is safe in school id not send her.

She sounds sobloody worried on the phone. She says 'I can't go in and face that again mum, I just can't'. Not hysterical crying, nothing like like, just a dull resigned voice.

She is normally one of these girls who just bumbles through life quite cheerfully. So to hear her down like this is awful.

Thanks everyone for support.

Right this call is coming to an end, so off home to see dd thank christ.

say" no you are not going until we are happy this is dealt with"

and leave it like that.

Oh that is awful, poor her.
She shouldn't have to put up with bullying like that and feel like she has to change herself and what she enjoys.

God Kids are such shits at times, aren't they?

Hope you can get to speak with school, I agree that she is probably best not at school with all this going on.

You've done the right thing by contacting the school, though. Definitely.

I would keep her at home with me until you can speak to her year head or similair.
She will know you are supporting her and it means she knows she will get the support , hopefully, off school when she returns.
I think going in in the morning without an appointment could be harder for dd. As you say there may not be anyone available to deal with it and then you would have to decide whether to leave her there or not.
Hopefully this will be old news soon (doesn't help dd now i know) with half term coming up and all that.
Are you friends with the other girls mum ? Could you speak to her ?

'with you' obviously...

Oh your poor DD - I had similar situations all through high school (I'm 25 now though) and it was awful. I don't know really what to say, but I really hope it all works out. It sounds like you're being a great Mum though

how is it going?

Hi, schools actually have a legal responsibility to combat homphobic bullying and that teacher just broke the new GTC code of conduct. Am furious on your behalf and can't type very well as on iPod but if you email me on [email protected] I can give you all the legal ammo etc as I am lead teacher (adviser) for tackling homophobia in my borough. Be very proud of your daughter for standing up to the ignorant bullies. X

Back on normal comp now so can write a better response.

I suggest you download the DCSF guidance on homophobic bullying and email the PDF to the school, reminding them of their legal responsibility. Demand to see their anti-bullying policy and ensure homophobia is mentioned and if it isn't tell them it needs to be (along with a school ethos that includes sexual orientation when they have in their mission statement "We are inclusive regardless of gender, ethnicity bla bla bla).

www.teachernet.gov.uk/wholeschool/behaviour/tacklingbullying/homophobicbullying/

Also email them the GTC code of conduct http://www.gtce.org.uk/documents/publicationpdfs/code_of_conduct_1009.pdf and point out that teachers (especially that fegging art teacher) have a responsibility for the following:
Demonstrate respect for diversity and promote
equality
Registered teachers
? Act appropriately towards all children and young people, parents, carers and colleagues, whatever their socio-economic background, age, gender, sexual orientation, disability, race, religion or belief
? Take responsibility for understanding and complying with school policies relating to equality of opportunity, inclusion, access and bullying
? Address unlawful discrimination, bullying, and stereotyping no matter who is the victim or the perpetrator
? Help create a fair and inclusive school environment by taking steps to improve the wellbeing, development and progress of those with special needs, or whose circumstances place them at risk of exclusion or under-achievement
? Help children and young people to understand different views, perspectives, and experiences and develop positive relationships both within school
and in the local community.

Whereabouts are you? I may be able to put you in touch with some local organisations that can also help you.

Also I would ask the school where in the school curriculum sterrotyping, bullying, homophobia are addressed as it is part of the PSHE curriculum which is shortly to become statutory but many schools don't meet their requirements in this regard. Clearly the students are very ignorant and prejudiced and this needs addressing. I know from my own experiences - most kids have never been given opportunity to discuss homophobia etc but once it has been discussed with them many of the ignorant students then realise that disciminating against someone because of a perceieved sexual orientation is wrong.

Let me know if you need anything else.

i dont have any advice, but wanted to wish you both a better day today

Have been reading a book called Queen Bees and Wannabees recently which is strong on describing teenage problems, less good on what to do about it. The authors run anti-bullying programmes in American schools. However it does suggest approaching the friends individually and asking them why they are doing something so hurtful. It would also help your daughter understand why people are doing this.

For the moment you need to work on ensuring your daughter has support from the school and that the staff are making it clear that is bullying and is not permitted. The "queen bee" (or instigator of the bullying) should be suspended and required to apologise before they are allowed back to school. That might stop it and would at least make the children think, and their parents aware of the issue. If the school are reluctant to act then approach the governors.

Thanks everyone for the responses - it is a real help. Thanks very much Thandeka and Lenin (Thandeka I will email you) and sorry I have not been on but was in work late today due to dd being at home and have been frantic.

Well, update. I am going into the school tomorrow morning for a meeting with the year head and pastoral support worker. They do seem to be taking it seriously, and I have found that they are a good school wrt things like this in the past, however I cannot help a feeling that they are just giving me soothing words but think I am overreacting. Like I mentioned the art teacher, year head said that she had been spoken to. I asked to meet her to see what she was thinking of but year head pushed that aside and said we would discuss tomorrow. So, I don't know how I feel really, I suppose I will just have to see how it goes tomorrow. I DON'T want them to right this off as just banter

I did find a copy of the anti-buyyling policy on the school website, it is a one-page document with just banalities 'the school ethos is to condemn bullying of any kind' well, no shit sherlock! It makes no reference to any specific bullying such as homophobic, racist, sexist etc. I did mention this on the phone, got a hmm yes in response. Will talk about it again tomorrow.

Had a lenghty chat with dd last night when I got home - she is mortified. She has friends who are sticking up for her but dd says that they seem embarrased by it all, probably by association. She can't see how amything could get better and says that she will now always be called the school lesbian. It's not just that - it's the visciousness of it, like lesbian slut, lesbian slag, lesbian bitch. I mean what the hell is all that about? It's both boys and girls, btw. I am trying to think rationally about this and think this can't all have stemmed from nothing - but apparently so.

Worst thing is dd is furious with me for going in tomorrow, and cried her eyes out when i said that I was going to tell the year head the names of those involved. She says that this will all backfire, it will make things 100% worse and it will never end. She is thinking that the kids will follow her on to the bus (they don't travel on the same bus) and start calling her names outside school. She is absolutely horrified at the thought of going back to school.

I know this has not been going on so long, but I have never had to deal with anything like this, have never seen dd in this state and I am worried sick. I know this sounds melodramatic and please feel free to tell me I am being a drama queen, but a couple of weeks ago a poor young 15 year old girl threw herself off a bridge onto the dual carriageway because of sustained bullying at school. Poor girl to have been driven to such lengths by being called names.

Also, I know this is not the best and I should not be kneejerk, butI have been looking for alternative schools for dd (we live in Gloucester, she goes to school in a village just north of Cheltenham, about 14 miles away) - I gave up trying to move her because I couldn't get her into the perfect choice school. I don't know whether to redouble my efforts and try to get her moved. I am over-reacting. aren't I?

Plus, told my mum last night. Mistake to ring her just before dd's bedtime, mum started crying and saying how much it reminded her of when she came out (in the early 80s in a small town in Devon, it wasn't easy). So I had mum crying on the phone 150 miles away but wanted desperately to get off the phone to go and be with dd. So was a bit abrupt wiith her. Arghhh!

Thanks SO much everyone again. I would say but I know you wouldn't forgive me