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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD being called a 'lesbian' and 'gay bitch' at school - she is dreading every morning.

105 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/10/2009 10:40

DD is 13 and has several girls and boys calling her a lesbian and gay bitch/slut etc.

All stemmed from a friend having a sleepover this weekend. DD wrote 'dd heart friend' on her bedroom mirror. DD's friend has now 'discussed' this with other friends who have all said (horrified) urgh well gay etc.

DD responded with something along the lines of there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian anyway and some of my closest family are gay, you bigots (my mum and aunty are lesbians so it is viewed as normal in our hosue)

Now it seems half of her friends are saying she is gay, and people are coming up to her in corridors saying you must be a lesbian, you like rugby .

DD has been to her teacher, who has said 'well, you didn't exactly help yourself by saying that your gran is a lesbian, added fuel to the fire etc' to which response I am a bit about.

DD has just text me to say that everyone seems to be laughing at her and she is really upset. I have tried to talk to her year head, she is calling me back. I just feel awful for dd and don't know what to do.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 21/10/2009 16:57

Forgot to say Thandeka thank you so much f or that brilliant link, I feel so much better going in tomorrow with that knowledge.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 21/10/2009 16:59

right this off? Write of course. God everything is going to pot

OP posts:
VictoriousSponge · 21/10/2009 17:01

the linking to lesbian "slut" and "bitch " is odd isnt it

LeninGhoul · 21/10/2009 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 21/10/2009 17:33

Yes, I haven't a clue what that is about. The thing which surprises me is that normally (in my probably naive experience) kids this age are pretty right on, in that any sexist/racist/homophobic bullying is shouted down by peers. I am living in cloud cuckoo land apparently.

I have no idea where this nastiness has come from, dd seems in pieces about it. I have asked her where is seems to stem from, as all this seems a bit much from just writing on a bloody mirror, there must be more to it. But, apart from dd's friend having another best friend who says that dd has stole her friend off her (which coould have added fuel to the fire but it seems a bit drastic) there seems to be nothing else.

The people who are doing it are dd's friend's other best friend (gah how bloody convoluted) and a group others who are in some of her classes, not good friends but people she knows. DD's friend (the writing on mirror one) is not part of the lesbian calling gang, but is not speaking to dd and is avoiding her appparently.

OP posts:
thepumpkineater · 21/10/2009 18:00

Oh I feel so sorry for your DD and you. As a parent of older DCs I can assure you that 13 year old girls can be absolutely vile and if it were not the lesbian slurs etc, it could well be something else. My DD (now 23) was deeply unhappy at that age with all the goings on, ganging up, ignoring, sneering at clothes. Absolutely horrible. She was at an all girls school but luckily was able to swop at 6th form to a mixed school which was a total transformation for her (possibility for your DD?). It is interesting to see that this goes on in mixed schools as well. It is so, so hard to know what to do for the best.

My DD absolutely begged me not to go to the school and try and sort it out, and now I feel SO guilty that I didn't, so I think you are doing the RIGHT thing to go to the school. If they have any sense they will be tactful (understatement) and will not exacerbate the situation. I now know (working in a school)that they will try their very best to sort it out and must have seen it all before. God knows it goes on enough. Good luck tomorrow, I do hope you get it sorted.

LeninGhoul · 21/10/2009 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 21/10/2009 18:10

Is this about being gay/lesbian or is it about a girl being bullied and these specific girls playing stupid games?

Lizzylou · 21/10/2009 18:16

It does sound like it's all a bit of a power struggle between some bitchy girls. Your DD did something sweet and they have taken that with the fact that she has been open about her relatives being gay and plays rugby and decided that that is the stick that they will beat her with.

Even if she were a lesbian, she still doesn't deserve bullying and namecalling.

I agree, it could be any name though. I have fond (not!) memories of being called frigid and Virgin by some lads in my class at about that age, because I didn't cop off (then!) at parties.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 21/10/2009 18:18

och god, getorf, this is awful. you must just want to go in and clatter them.

cockles · 21/10/2009 18:25

God, how awful - I hope tomorrow helps. For ref, all the schools round us (inner London) have an absolute zero tolerance policy about the use of the words gay/lesbian as an insult.Disciplinary incident immediately.

Thandeka · 21/10/2009 18:29

Getorf- if you email me I can give you my phone number so we can have a chat on phone. I can give you ammo for the school that makes it clear that this is a whole school thing and is not just about this incident with your daughter and if the school try and deal with it as "solely" the incident with your daughter they will actually make things so much worse for your DD and would be irresponsible.

Anyhow can explain better on phone if you wanted.
x

MamaG · 21/10/2009 19:03

Best of luck tomorrow GOML.

MacaroonIncident · 21/10/2009 19:05

this is shit
does dd show any interest in either sex?

Restrainedrabbit · 21/10/2009 19:12

GOML nothing more constructive to add but I live 5mins from where that poor girl jumped of the bridge so can understand your anxiety about this. I think, although your DD is embarrassed, it is good for her to see you fighting her corner.

Am utterly horrified at the schools response and if it the school I am thinking of then am really surprised at them reacted like this

LeninGhoul · 21/10/2009 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TspookyChasm · 21/10/2009 20:00

Really so sorry to read all this GetOrf, really I am

I'd keep her home then go in and create merry hell. That is of no help is it and probably completely the wrong thing to advise so ignore me

I am shocked at 13 yr olds behaving in such a vile way. Not much older than my dd. God school can be an awful place

Heated · 21/10/2009 20:27

Am very for dd. Had a similar experience at school when I was 13 and God I was miserable and they were really cruel. I certainly wouldn't have confided in my parents about it, would have been far too embarrassed and just rode it out - but it lasted weeks.

Looking back it would have helped if teachers had spotted it and given them a complete bollocking for being so bloody vile OR if I had had the confidence to have a big showdown.

In a way, going through it gave me strength and later I had a confrontation with the instigator over another minor incident and result was she was wary and then pathetically eager to be liked by me. Girls can be so vile at this age and yet in 2 years time, they'll be all over each other, hugging and grooming each other like chimps. Your dd is clearly much more emotionally mature.

Good luck with seeing the teachers and tell your dd chin up.

Lilyloooohhhh · 21/10/2009 20:30

Good luck for tom despite dd's reservations i am sure it will get sorted

tatt · 21/10/2009 21:01

asked one of my children about this but all they could suggest was encouraging those friends who are supporting her. So anything that would boost those friendships would help. The school could help by ensuring that when your daughter has to work with anyone else it isn't with her tormentors and that seating plans are used to keep them apart.

You do also need to work on your daughter's reaction to it. They are only name calling and it can only hurt her if she lets it. So she's being called a lesbian - nothing wrong with being a lesbian so why get upset over it? Maybe try and come up with a few funny responses?

Thandeka · 22/10/2009 08:17

Good luck this morning- let us know how it goes.

If i can help with any follow up I would be happy to.
x

BarbaraBlacksheep · 22/10/2009 09:50

Been thinking of you, hope it goes well today.

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 22/10/2009 10:17

Good luck today GOML, you are absolutely doing the right thing tackling this. It is a whole school matter - to my mind the school should have a detailed anti-bullying policy that clearly states the unacceptability of any demeaning behaviour based on a person's race, gender, sexual orientation or ability. Children need to learn inclusiveness and tolerance from the adults around them, and if the school aren't modelling that (which they clearly aren't) then they are tacitly approving abusive behaviour.

I think young teenagers often find sexuality powerfully disturbing, hence the graphic group condemnation inherent in words like 'slut', as well as the condemnation of being a lesbian. Sounds to me like the group dynamic, where everyone clusters together and frantically tries to prove how well they fit in with the status quo, is driving everyone to define themselves as 'normal' i.e. good straight girls, by placing your DD in opposition as the scapegoat. Not that that's any excuse, ffs

I agree with LeninGhoul that this probably needs to be dealt with in a wider and more general sense, rather than just being confined to this situation. It will be better for your DD and ultimately for the school and its pupils if they can be made encouraged to sort their shit out and get a proper response to homophobia in place.

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I am so bloody angry for you both. That this attitude still exists in this day and age.

LeninGhoul · 22/10/2009 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 22/10/2009 11:24

I hope she will also come to appreciate the fact that she isn't a sheep and didn't feel the need to hide her family heritage. It's hard to do that in the oppressive melting pot of secondary school.

I remember when I was about 12, asking my mum to 'be discreet' as I had a friend coming over after school, and HATING myself inside, cringing at myself for being so craven even as I said it. She laughed, as well she might - it's not like she would have been writhing on the bed with a girlfriend when we got back!

I only did it the once but have felt ashamed about it ever since.

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