DD being called a 'lesbian' and 'gay bitch' at school - she is dreading every morning.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

DD is 13 and has several girls and boys calling her a lesbian and gay bitch/slut etc.

All stemmed from a friend having a sleepover this weekend. DD wrote 'dd heart friend' on her bedroom mirror. DD's friend has now 'discussed' this with other friends who have all said (horrified) urgh well gay etc.

DD responded with something along the lines of there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian anyway and some of my closest family are gay, you bigots (my mum and aunty are lesbians so it is viewed as normal in our hosue)

Now it seems half of her friends are saying she is gay, and people are coming up to her in corridors saying you must be a lesbian, you like rugby .

DD has been to her teacher, who has said 'well, you didn't exactly help yourself by saying that your gran is a lesbian, added fuel to the fire etc' to which response I am a bit about.

DD has just text me to say that everyone seems to be laughing at her and she is really upset. I have tried to talk to her year head, she is calling me back. I just feel awful for dd and don't know what to do.

Any advice?

Thanks, Justabout, that's a lovely thing to say, thank you

GOML you've mentioned wanting to move back to Devon. Is this a recent move and she's missing her friends or do you think she is perhaps wanting to be with your mother (who I think you said was in Devon?). Do you think your daughter is lesbian or maybe confused about her sexuality and therefore wanting to talk to someone who is lesbian?

Really agree about the teenage years being the hardest. They won't always accept help from you, they are beginning to create the distance necessary to move away. Being at home wouldn't necessarily help. Some of the parenting books have the odd useful pointer but once more of us have been through it mumsnet really need to do a guide to the teenage years.

Tatt - I have absolutely no idea, she has just clammed up with me. We are going down to Devon this weekend, she is staying with my mum at half term, I will be having a looong chat with mum tomorrow to see if she can get to the root of it.

Spoke to the pastoral worker again today, she seems to think that there is somethig on dd's mind that she doesn't want to divulge. She thinks a week away by the sea will be a tonic. I am going in with dd a week monday and we are both seeing her again. It is lovely that the pastoral worker is so caring. She did also say to me (not in front of dd) that she agrees with DP, at some point she will need to develop some strategies for coping with this, and to toughen up somewhat. They will help her with this.

They also said for us to get her into some activites in Gloucester where we live, so she can have some friends locally (she does play football and tennis outside school, however that is also in Cheltenham). She also said that that possibly moving schools may be a good idea AS the commute every day is long and she does live quite far from the school. However (and I agree with this) to leave it for a while and see how the remainder of the term goes.

I have had a look at Gloucester Rugby girls training, so will give them a call and get dd into that when she comes back from Devon. The pastoral worker also has suggested the Air or Sea Cadets as a great confidence booster for teenagers, and she has seen good friendships created out of this and really recommends it. So that is something else to think about.

Was talking with DP about if DD has got a crush on girls, and because of having 2 gay women in the family it would seem as more 'normal' to be gay than it would be in a family that didn't have any gay members. DP seems to think that she is too young in herself really to have develped any ideas of sexuality. I don't agree, but I think dd keeps it all in herself.

DD may never want to talk, actually I reaise that she has things which she would have no desire to discuss with her mother, but I have said that I am always here, and she can alwasy talk to me, DP, mum or MIL (they are very close).

Tatt - your quote 'beginning to create the distance necessary to move away'. . I know that the umbilical cord has to be cut, but still sad and poignant all the same.

Thanks again everyone this thread has been a great help, pouring it all out on this site helps it make sense in my head, iykwim.

It seems that if you have a nice, well behaved child they get bullied. Part of being bullied is a reluctance to discuss it with parents. Any other young people in the family she might be prepared to talk to? The school's suggestion of a mentor from the 6th form sounded really good.

I know of a girl who got a lot from Air Cadets and another who benefited from martial arts training. A friend reckoned sea cadets were nicer children . I wish I could get my daughter to do any of them.

These days most 13 year old girls and quite a few boys have ideas about sexuality and a few have even started putting them into practise. Doesn't mean that their ideas are necessarily fixed for life though.

Yes it is sad when they grow up, I have to keep reminding myself that's my job, to turn them into adults.