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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

18/19 year old daughter wants boyfriend to sleep over

66 replies

phoenix09 · 29/09/2009 14:33

I must say that this does not sit with me very well, I suppose that it was due to the restricted way I was brought up. However, times have changed now and you can't keep harping back to 'when I was a teenager' and I must move on.

My daughter has a new boyfriend for 2 weeks however she tells me that they have known of each other since Feb09. She now asks us about twice a week whether her boyfriend can stay over. I have always told her to get to know a boy for a while before she has an intimate relationship with him. I feel that my advice is not being taken on board and I also have a 17 year old daughter to set an example to. My husband is of the opinion that if she stays over in our house with him at least we know where and who she is with.

I am thinking that she is not allowed to stay over at his house. What do you feel is acceptable behaviour nowadays?

OP posts:

claricebeansmum · 29/09/2009 14:36

I think like your DH - I want to know that my DC are safe and well.

However, 2 weeks isn't that long is it? Perhaps after two months but 2 weeks is too short IMO.

Lilymaid · 29/09/2009 14:47

If she was at university like many 18/19 year olds and not living at home she could have her boyfriend stay with her at any time. Personally, I wouldn't be too keen on having an outsider staying over at my house on a regular basis as I'd find it an intrusion on my private life.
I doubt whether an 18/19 year old would be much concerned with your views on waiting to get to know the boy.

alypaly · 29/09/2009 14:50

she is 18+ and an adult. If she was at uni she wouldnt be asking your permission.
If you make it tabu...you make it more exciting. Read her the riot act by all means but girls and lads have different friendships from what we had. It doesnt always mean sex..and there is nothing wrong with a cuddle from a friend.

Original poster

phoenix09 · 29/09/2009 14:50

thanks claricebeansmum -I agree that 2 weeks is not long and I get the feeling that if I stand by it and say no sleepovers she will go somewhere else and do it anyway. I seemed to be damned if I do - damned if I don't

OP posts:

pagwatch · 29/09/2009 14:50

Its our family home and I would consider many factors - but not what anyone else thinks.

I also don't parent according to what she may get up to when I can't see her.

CowWatcher · 29/09/2009 14:54

I was in this situation when I was 17 (20 years ago). My parents were happy for my boyf to stay over, but his not for me. They soon saw that they were being prudish. I think on the grounds of knowing where she is & being able to lecture on safe sex you should let her. Have you thought about 'OK, you can have him stay over, but you now have to listen to my lecture on safe sex/come to the clinic with me and listen to the lecture there.'

GooseyLoosey · 29/09/2009 14:55

I agree with claricebeansmum. Would allow her (albeit reluctantly) to sleep with him at home, but not after 2 weeks. I would be keen to tell her that you should not be sleeping with anyone in a relationsip after 2 weeks and should maybe wait a month (preferably 2). Don't know how I will cope with this when dd reaches this age!

PixiNanny · 29/09/2009 14:55

Two weeks isn't much, however, I can't talk! I was 18 when I moved to PGL and dated two guys whilst there and spent most of my free time in their rooms and most of my nights there too! And that was all within two weeks.

However, things are very different under a parents roof. I think, this is thinking with a teenage mind here, that you need to go with your DH on this one, and whatever you do, don't try checking up on them! As tempting as it is, especially if you think they are sexually active, it is her choice, and I'm still mortified from the time my Mum found me and a boyfriend in a very intimate position and that was a good 3 years ago now! If she isn't ready for that sort of relationship and her bf tries it on with her, she'll be in a place she's comfortable and it would make her more confident in saying no rather than giving in, iyswim?

hullygully · 29/09/2009 14:57

alypaly - it doesn't always mean sex. Did the elves tell you that?

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2009 15:01

Personally, I wouldn't be happy to have a boyfriend staying over after only 2 weeks. If you do this, then you're kind of agreeing that all her future boyfriends can also stay over, and all of her sister's boyfriends too. Sorry but I am assuming here that at 18/19 he is not likely to be "the one" - maybe that's unfair of me, but it's rare to pick right first time.

So, I'd want to leave it till they were in a longer-term stable relationship.

But I wouldn't stop them from spending time together - and having sex in the house if that's what they want. Just the staying over part would seem to be showing the relationship a bit too much respect at such an early stage.

claricebeansmum · 29/09/2009 15:03

My concern would be if you OK now after two weeks, then next time it could be a shorter time and then you could have the joy of meeting someone you don't know over the toast and cereal. I am not saying you DD would do this but you need to set boundaries now. You've brought her up well so far - hang in there!

I always think of Trainspotting film when this comes up with the schoolgirl who has brought home Ewan McGregor and introduces him to her parents at breakfast who he thinks are her flatmates!

Pimmpom · 29/09/2009 15:08

The most relevant part to me is the "2 weeks". My dd 16 has just started to stay over at her bf and he has stayed here a couple of times. BUT although she is only 16 they have been going out for 2 years and she went on the pill just after Christmas.

I have told her though, if they ever break up even though she could be 20+, it may take another 2 years before I let another boyfriend stay over

olderandwider · 29/09/2009 15:08

I think sex is a big deal and teenagers seem to think they need to "seal the deal" with sex almost before they know each other. I think we as parents need to encourage them to put the brakes on a bit, and if that means telling them they can't have BFs and GFs staying over than so be it. But then I am an old bag .
But,if your DD has known this boy since February 09 this may be why she does feel comfortable about having sex with him so soon after he has become her "boyfriend". That aside, is your real worry about your DD having sex under your roof with your younger DD knowing about it? Or is it that you fear embarrassment at the thought of overhearing something or facing the BF in the morning over the cornflakes? If so, will you still be embarrassed, even after any "decent interval" has elapsed before you allow BF to stay?
I actually disagree with the view that parents should allow BFs and GFs to stay over because "at least you know where they are". I think making it easy for teenagers to have sex under your roof says " I expect you to have sex" which, oddly, can create a kind of pressure on them.

Pimmpom · 29/09/2009 15:10

Meant to add, her boyfriend used to sleep downstairs up until recently. Could you not say he can stay over but downstairs?

bigTillyMint · 29/09/2009 15:11

I agree with Lilymaid - you wouldn't know who she was sleeping with if she was away at uni, at least this way you can encourage safe (and quiet) sex.

She is not 15, she is over 18!

alypaly · 29/09/2009 15:12

hullygully no didnt need the elves..big girl now...thats what good relationships are about...knowing when to cuddle and when to have rampant sex

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2009 15:15

2 weeks! I'd say no. And yes if she was at uni she could be doing anything out of your sight, but isn't that part of being 18 - doing things out of sight? In your house is a bit rubbing-your-nose-in-it. Saying yes will change the 'power balance' here IMO. And once changed, it won't go back.

PixiNanny · 29/09/2009 15:15

They may not have sex, I think it's important to point that out. Depending on what your daughter is like, she may just want to fall asleep having a cuddle. I was 17 when I first had sex, 6 months after me and my boyfriend got together, and I was pretty much living at his house by this point. I know it's a common thing for most of us young'uns to sleep around and whatnot, but some of us are relatively innocent

alypaly · 29/09/2009 15:18

thankyou PixiNanny friendships arent always about sex ,they can be platonic...cant they?

TheBolter · 29/09/2009 15:22

God my parents didn't let me and dh sleep in the same bed in their house until we were engaged (and I was 26!).

I agree that two weeks is in no way long enough for this type of set up, and your dd's bf needs to earn your trust and prove, with time, that he's a decent bloke before he starts sharing your bathroom.

If he is a decent chap he will respect your rules and will understand your concern for your dd's happiness. He will also respect the situation that sex with your dd may not be as easily accessible as he might like for a time.

But it's your house, and both your dd and her bf need to be respectful of that.

PixiNanny · 29/09/2009 15:48

alypaly: Sometimes

chuffinell · 29/09/2009 15:59

we have the same problem, phoenix - althou she is my stepdaughter not my daughter and she is 20. and shes been with him since february, and has not had a boyfriend to our house before (in fact i think he is her first serious fella)

we finally relented and let him stay on saturay, and despite my own many boyfriends in the past, and my own so called liberal views, i felt really uncomfortable with it. i was petrified of hearing anything - we live in a v small house

it all went ok but i was so glad when he went home. i am more prudey than i thought. when i was her age i was at college - and it is different, you are not under your parents roof

i would say no for now - its too soon

PixiNanny · 29/09/2009 16:19

Sorry chuffinell, I can't help but giggle; I'm 20 now and my Mum's just told me to invite my boyfriend to come live with us when I move back home

Original poster

phoenix09 · 29/09/2009 16:46

I guess I feel uncomfortable about this as this is her second boyfriend that she has asked to stay over. I did say at that time that I am not setting a precidence, she told me that she was in a long term relationship and went on the pill. I have said to her to get to know each other first. I also think that if I said that she must stay in a seperate room to him they might just go off together and stay out as they have done before without telling me where they are/or went. Although she is asking me if he can stay over - it seems that I don't really have a lot of choice in the matter. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. I have told her about practising safe sex since she was 15 - but I know (won't go into it) that she has not practised safe sex in the past.
What else can I say to her - seems like she does not want to take my advice.

Any help appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

phoenix09 · 29/09/2009 16:51

Forgot to say that this guy has stayed over before - but they come in late at night and he goes very early in the morning. I don't get to see him which may be a good thing. I am a very light sleeper so her the door go and the car start. It all seems so sordid!!!! I think he has got a bit of a cheek but can't help feeling angry at my daughter for putting us in this position.

I'm sorry to have said that but it is like our house is a hotel really.

Phoenix 09

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