Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

18/19 year old daughter wants boyfriend to sleep over

66 replies

phoenix09 · 29/09/2009 14:33

I must say that this does not sit with me very well, I suppose that it was due to the restricted way I was brought up. However, times have changed now and you can't keep harping back to 'when I was a teenager' and I must move on.

My daughter has a new boyfriend for 2 weeks however she tells me that they have known of each other since Feb09. She now asks us about twice a week whether her boyfriend can stay over. I have always told her to get to know a boy for a while before she has an intimate relationship with him. I feel that my advice is not being taken on board and I also have a 17 year old daughter to set an example to. My husband is of the opinion that if she stays over in our house with him at least we know where and who she is with.

I am thinking that she is not allowed to stay over at his house. What do you feel is acceptable behaviour nowadays?

OP posts:

hullygully · 30/09/2009 16:14

Why? The law is the law it doesn't matter about geography when it comes to plain right and wrong does it?

GooseyLoosey · 30/09/2009 16:15

I must be being wound up here, so will gracefully decline the bait.

TheCrackFox · 30/09/2009 16:15

I don't think sex has ever been illegal outside of marriage.

RustyBear · 30/09/2009 16:18

"I am assuming here that at 18/19 he is not likely to be "the one" "

I was 18 and 3 months when I met DH at university - our 30th wedding anniversary will be next May - which kind of put the 'can't be a serious relationship at 18' argument out of court with DD.

As far as I am concerned DD is an adult (and she's at university half the time anyway, so I have no idea what she's up to) - my only rule is that I know he's here, so I don't wander down in the morning in my underwear to iron a shirt and run into him on the stairs again

CarmenSanDiego · 30/09/2009 16:20

Hully, it's ok if he keeps his socks on!

hullygully · 30/09/2009 16:24

I think you'll find that besocked sex has also been ruled illegal.

CarmenSanDiego · 30/09/2009 16:35

Oh arse. That'll be me and hubby in the village stocks then

hullygully · 30/09/2009 16:39

I'm afraid times have moved on. It's the electric chair for you.

CarmenSanDiego · 30/09/2009 17:12

Pimmpom · 30/09/2009 17:30

Are you bored hullygully?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2009 17:52

phoenix,

re your comments:-

"Husband ended up having a row with DD not just on the sleepover, about a wide range of issues, her wanting her own way all the time - not contributing to the house hold chores and her provacative dressing - she then said that she would move out and stormed out to be with boyfriend and then came home very early hours of morning. Is currently still asleep in bed now..."

Where were you whilst this argument was taking place?. Both of you need to be speaking to her at the same time, not just separately and certainly not by shouting. I had a feeling too this was about way more than the sleepover, this is about your H's and your overall relationship with her. If she is 19 and wants to be treated like an adult then she is going to have to start acting like one rather than as a petulant girl with a massive sense of entitlement. If she is not contributing to the household chores then no washing or cooking is done for her. If she is earning she pays rent. Where is she getting the money for clothes from?. She has to earn money and respect has to be two way.

"I did ask her earlier on in the evening that did she think that 2 weeks is a little bit early to have a stay over with him and she said 'no'."

Why do you think she said this, what's going on with her really?. And you as a family as well, how have you all got into this position in the first place?. This all started years ago.

"I have always found that gentle persuasion works better than a shouting match but I am really struggling on this.. as there is no compromise and everything she asks for she expects".

Would agree with the gentle persuasion angle but on the other hand she needs to know and learn that she can't have everything she wants. She will have to learn to compromise. If she wants her bf of two weeks over then she needs to make alternative arrangements. Your house, your rules. Who is in charge here really, she has no right to call the shots in such a manner. Who is the parent and who is the child here?.

Would agree with gentle persuation; your H and you need to put on a united front here and you must all sit down together and thrash out the issues. No more shouting.

Original poster

phoenix09 · 30/09/2009 18:46

AttilaTheMeerkat

I was at my evening class, we do both usually speak with her at the same time usually without shouting but when we sit and discuss the situation she just usually shrugs and says 'don't know'. She does not engage in conversation with us even when prompted. We have tried everything. She gets clothes from her saturday job money but last week started a full time job as a gap year as she just missed her grades getting into Uni. She is now questioning whether she wants to retake the modules and go to Uni at all. She is more intent on keeping her social scene going even during the week when she is working 9-6. She is very angry about something but won't say - she usually texts us to ask if she can do something rather than speak to us directly. This behaviour has been going on for about 2 years now.

OP posts:

OhDoTwatOrf · 30/09/2009 18:49

Just offer them condoms and ask them to keep the noise down and you should have no problems

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2009 13:55

Phoenix,

What happened two years ago, presumably prior to that she was not acting like this?. What is she angry about, I think you really need to get to the bottom of that because it could be any number of things. There is certainly a breakdown in communication between you as parents and her which ripples out to affect you all as a family differently. You're all hurting.

Have you considered calling ParentlinePlus; they can be helpful in these situations. I suggest that because you say you have tried "everything" and positions have become entrenched. Its going to take an awful lot of time and effort on everyone's part to get back on track. People have got to start talking; she cannot do any more conversations to you solely by text.

Original poster

phoenix09 · 01/10/2009 17:01

AttilatheMeerkat

Thanks so much for your helpful advice and other people that have taken the time to be so kind as to answer me. I am now talking to Parentline plus to try to sort this out. I do care so much about her (and I hope not overly in an interfering way) which is why I first posted. I have asked her on previos occasions whether we could talk to someone about it together and she has fiercely resisted. I don't want this sort of relationship with her any longer so I hope I can find a way to sort it out.

Appreciate everyone's input.

OP posts:

Pimmpom · 02/10/2009 13:13

Wishing you all the best Phoenix, hope ParentlinePlus are helpful xx

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread