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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18/19 year old daughter wants boyfriend to sleep over

66 replies

phoenix09 · 29/09/2009 14:33

I must say that this does not sit with me very well, I suppose that it was due to the restricted way I was brought up. However, times have changed now and you can't keep harping back to 'when I was a teenager' and I must move on.

My daughter has a new boyfriend for 2 weeks however she tells me that they have known of each other since Feb09. She now asks us about twice a week whether her boyfriend can stay over. I have always told her to get to know a boy for a while before she has an intimate relationship with him. I feel that my advice is not being taken on board and I also have a 17 year old daughter to set an example to. My husband is of the opinion that if she stays over in our house with him at least we know where and who she is with.

I am thinking that she is not allowed to stay over at his house. What do you feel is acceptable behaviour nowadays?

OP posts:
PixiNanny · 29/09/2009 17:24

phoenix, as much as I hate to say it, it's her own mistake to make RE not practicing safe sex. With him sneaking in/out of the house, go down with a cricket bat one day and tell them you thought somebody was robbing the house You don't have to hurt him, just be seen, it'll scare the life out of them both!

But yeah, she has to make her own choices regarding her sex life, all you can do is be for her if it goes badly. I'd never have survived so far without my Mum! She knows quite a bit more about my sex life than she needs to know too

LouiseR38 · 29/09/2009 17:54

I'm like alot of the other posters, I'm a little more concerned about the two weeks. I do believe that once kids are in a long term committed relationship it would be fine with me. I just don't think you want to end up having the boyfriend of the month sleeping over. But you are the parent so you have to do what you are comfortable with. Good luck! Louise

cory · 30/09/2009 08:11

It's not really about your dd is it- as others have pointed out, she is an adult. Absolutely not your job to decide how long she should wait before she has sex with someone: she can't live her whole life to your rules, she has to make her own. (I feel in love with dh straightaway and would certainly not have waited had circumstances allowed )

It's about whether you feel comfortable with other (and unmarried) people having sex in your house. Up to you, not for us to say.

scaryteacher · 30/09/2009 08:53

Have him to stay, but in the spare room, and make it plain that he stays there and she stays in her room.

Having said that, my parents didn't let me sleep with dh under their roof until we were married, whereas mil took a much more relaxed view; but we didn't share a room until dh (then he had boyfriend status) asked his mum if we could.

bigTillyMint · 30/09/2009 09:05

Dead right, Cory

chuffinell · 30/09/2009 09:10

pixi - tell her to buy some earplugs!!!

phoenix you seem very unhappy about the situation - i would take control and say you are not happy with it

you know its going on but you dont want to encourage it, or witness it!

pagwatch · 30/09/2009 09:19

absoloutely Cory. That was kind of what I what I was trying to say but you have made the point mucg better.

I doubt that I would permit it but that is my judgement call. Others will have their own views. But OP needs to decide for herself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2009 09:22

She's only been out with him for two weeks although she has only known him personally since February of this year. They hardly know each other. Its too full on at 2 weeks to be making such a request as well and she likely knows this and is trying it on, why is she really doing this?. Peer pressure, her bf asking her to stay over?. There are always reasons as to why.

Too much, too soon also springs to mind. Your DD may well be an adult physically at 19 but emotionally she is not acting like one, not even close. There needs to be far more talking done on both sides and you and your H need to meet him socially.

Tortington · 30/09/2009 09:25

my 19 yo son and his gf lived here for a while

its stupid to think they aren't having sex. of course they are - and there is nothing wrong with that

sex
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its good - manage your relationship with your daughter through situations like these - the sex really shuldnt be the issue -t he issue should be a log lasting loving relationship where she feels comfortable to talk to you and approach you

mumeeee · 30/09/2009 10:46

I wouldn't be happy with this situation and would say no. Yes she is over 18 but it's your house and your rules.

mrsjammi · 30/09/2009 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
phoenix09 · 30/09/2009 11:23

Husband ended up having a row with DD not just on the sleepover, about a wide range of issues, her wanting her own way all the time - not contributing to the house hold chores and her provacative dressing - she then said that she would move out and stormed out to be with boyfriend and then came home very early hours of morning. Is currently still asleep in bed now...

I did ask her earlier on in the evening that did she think that 2 weeks is a little bit early to have a stay over with him and she said 'no'. I have always found that gentle persuasion works better than a shouting match but I am really struggling on this.. as there is no compromise and everything she asks for she expects.

OP posts:
PixiNanny · 30/09/2009 12:42

Ee, not the best way to go about it. I think one thing we all need to remember is that all 18yo's are different, she could not care less about her sexual health, or she could, she may not be emotionally ready, but she might be. It is Phoenix who knows her better than the rest of us, therefore who knows wheather the young woman is ready, or thinks she is.

This whole thread is making me dread moving back home now Me and my Mum clash like anything and I'm imaging the shouting matches already haha I love her, but she always says the wrong thing

hullygully · 30/09/2009 14:23

I would never allow this, it's illegal for a start and also wrong in the eyes of Our Lord.

Tortington · 30/09/2009 14:40

whats illegal? have i missed a post?

PixiNanny · 30/09/2009 14:53

hullygully: she's 18/19, I think you may've misread something somewhere

Also, are you religious phoenix? If you are and don't feel comfortable with it from that perspective then it may be worth thinking about.

hullygully · 30/09/2009 15:38

Sex outside marriage is still illegal as far as I know. Tell them to do the decent thing and get married before they HAVE to get married, if you know what I mean.

LouiseR38 · 30/09/2009 15:47

I think if sex outside of marriage is illegal they will need to start building alot of new prisons.... Saying this as they lead me away in handcuffs lol.

Flowerface · 30/09/2009 15:50

My Mum always let boyfriends stay over with my sister and me, and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20... I think the reverse psychology might have done the trick!

I think I would allow it. It isn't worth alienating her over.

IS sex outside marriage illegal?! I think not. As someone having a baby when unmarried, I may be headed straight for hell, didn't realise I was also headed for jail...

Pimmpom · 30/09/2009 16:02

I think i am a liberal parent FGS my 16dd has her bf stay over. BUT she knows that is because they are in a loving relationship and have been together for 2 years. She wouldn't ask after 2 weeks however old she was.

If I were you and felt uncomfortable, I would say of course he can stay in the spare room/downstairs.

hullygully · 30/09/2009 16:08

Why not sleep with him first and see if it's worth getting upset about? You might be able to save her a lot of bother.

GooseyLoosey · 30/09/2009 16:09

Sex outside marriage is not illegal - what utter rubbish!! The law even recognises that unmarried couples might have children and one of them might want parental rights.

self to check still in 21st century

hullygully · 30/09/2009 16:10

Oh yes it is.

GooseyLoosey · 30/09/2009 16:11

Now that is odd - meant to say

Wow - I can create links accidentally!

GooseyLoosey · 30/09/2009 16:12

Hullygully - surely you can't be in the UK?

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