Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

how much 'back chat' do your teens get away with?

34 replies

GypsyMoth · 25/09/2009 16:34

i hate it!!

i just think to myself, 'i would never have dared speak to my parents like that'...but then,i'd be likely to have the threat of a slap hanging over me! can't do that these days,and they bloody well know it!

just said to dd,"no you can't go to the shop on your brothers bike" (its too small for her hence dangerous!) she retorted with a snappy 'mum,it's none of your business'. this is just one example of her gobby retorts. she has recently become both a teenager,in july,and started at the upper school,sept,so see's herself as supremely grown up!

i seem to ground her for the slightest thing these days. she says i'm way too strict.

how do you al get the balance right?

OP posts:
meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 25/09/2009 16:44

Are you grounding her for backchat or more serious stuff? If it's for retorts I would say you are being a bit strict.

Teens are stroppy and think they know a lot, and sometimes her responses will come out in a way you don't like.

Could you talk to her about the way she speaks to you. Explain why you don't like it, that it's rude and see if she can make an effort to be more civil. Try to talk to her as if you understand where she's coming from, and give her the chance to show she can be grown up.

mumblechum · 25/09/2009 16:45

I think I would have answered "The plasters and tcp are in the cupboard" and let her get on with it. She's just trying to wind you up, let it go over your head.

MaureenMLove · 25/09/2009 16:46

None, basically. I rule with a rod of iron.

The only thing that gets on my wick is when she has to have the last word. Each time she has the last word, I take something off her. Laptop or her phone. It soon seems to stop her in her tracks.

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 25/09/2009 16:52

well she has 3 younger brothers...so don't want them copying/thinking that its acceptable,so feel i should address it somehow.

her elder sister is mainly easy,and very respectful,so this teenage behaviour is new to us.

she's very hot headed. taking phone/comp time etc doesn't work much with her...grounding,and not seeing her friends kills her. she hates it,which is why i think i'm doing it too often.

OP posts:
CybilLiberty · 25/09/2009 16:56

I can stand moodiness and a bit of dramatic door slamming but I will not tolerate rudeness or cheek.

But..choose your battles wisely, just like with a toddler

brimfull · 25/09/2009 16:58

no back chat here

DD went through a phase of being cheeky to me when her friends were around.

I told her I would tell her off in front of her friends next time she did it.
She never has done it again.

She does say some of her friends talk to their parents like shit.

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 25/09/2009 17:06

yeah,i get that a bit,the bravado in front of her friends.

OP posts:
BrigitBigKnickers · 25/09/2009 17:27

I'm with maureenmlove-with my DD (13)(who always has to have the last word)I just keep taking things away till she shuts up. Then she has to earn them back over the next few days. With consistency this does work.

Having said that there are some things you have to ignore- my DD suffers with the most awful PMT which she is obviously too young to control at the moment so I tend to cut her a bit of slack at those times.

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 25/09/2009 17:29

no periods here yet for either dd ages 15 and 13. anytime soon i expect..

OP posts:
pagwatch · 25/09/2009 17:42

I realise I am strange but we have absoloutely no back chat here at all. And no grounding either actually.
I rarely have to punish DS1 but he has known exactly what the rules are since he was small. he is too bright to do something when he absoloutely knows my punishment will be somethimg he really does not want to happen .

we have a great relationship as a consequence because he knows not to be rude or misbehave and i therefore don't have to punish him.

I don't recognise the way people talk abouttheir teenagers shouting and swearing atthem as if it is just something that teenagers do.But then I never shout at him or swear at him, Dh and I don't shout at each other so it is not something he sees as ok

And FWIW i have never slapped him either. If I had had to rely on physical punishment I would have been slightly screwed now he is 6ft tall and in the rugby team.

pagwatch · 25/09/2009 17:45

sorry - kust realised mine read as if people on here have shouting swearing children and shout and swear at their children

I wasn't refering to the posters on this thread. I just mean other comments elsewhere on MN and in RL

Hassled · 25/09/2009 17:51

Well DD (20, so not a teenager) have just had a really mature exchange in the kitchen after I had a go at her for not washing up after herself.
Me: "I'll just wash this grater then, shall I?"
DD: "Well I would have but getting past you into the kitchen is like getting between a hippo and water."
Me: "Well I'd spend less time in the kitchen if I wasn't always washing your fucking dishes."

Really constructive . And I think I've ended up looking considerably worse.

But this is actually quite rare - the older DCs have pushed their luck but usually I have a zero tolerance approach. You do have to pick your battles, though - sometimes it's not worth getting wound up about.

teamcullen · 25/09/2009 18:41

My DD isnt really that cheaky, it just sounds like she is when everything starts with "oh my God!!" and of course she is always right so if she disagrees she has to have her say.

The problem is her dad doesnt think she should have a different opinion than him so they are always arguing. He thorght she was the worst in the world until we went to Dublin in the summer and saw how his DN spoke to her parents.

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 25/09/2009 19:06

yes.a bit of perspective helps sometimes. both my dd's have said how horrified they were with certain friends behaviour towards there parents.

OP posts:
jalopy · 25/09/2009 20:50

No back chat here, either. I wouldn't tolerate it and they wouldn't dare.

random · 25/09/2009 20:57

It depends what you consider backchat..expressing a different opinion to mine fair enough

dogonpoints · 25/09/2009 21:06

I think this depends, in part, on how you communicate with your dc.

I mean, you could say rather primly 'no you can't go on that bike' or you could say - as if you weren' t terribly bothered - 'get off that bike, you loon, or you'll break your neck'.

Teens are highly tuned to tone of voice.

ChookKeeper · 25/09/2009 21:13

Difference of opinion is not a problem and usually leads to some interesting discussions.

Rudeness and talking to me like I'm something they've just stepped on is very rare but is a big no no and is jumped on straight away.

I agree about picking your battles and both of mine acknowledge that they know when they've gone too far 'cos if I go off on one it's rare but not a pretty sight .

Oh, and playing me off aginst DH does not and has not ever worked.

pagwatch · 25/09/2009 21:17

expressing a different opinion isn't backchat in my book.
Backchat is rudeness.

I wouldn't be annoyed by my teenager disagreeing with me. I think it is healthy and normal.
But backchat. No

thepumpkineater · 26/09/2009 09:28

I'm absolutely with Pagwatch on this one (earlier post).

I don't think disagreeing with my opinion is particularly 'backchat'.

piscesmoon · 26/09/2009 09:39

I agree 100% with pagwatch. I don't have it. You stop it the very first time. I don't do it to them and so they can't point out that they are doing what I do, because I don't.
I have never had to hit or ground them. You have them from birth, so if you never let them do it they don't even think of it as teens. We disagree and argue but I expect us to listen to each others views- they don't backchat.

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 26/09/2009 11:56

so you don't get any backchat? interesting!!

i don't have a problem with different opinions. but the bike thing was an issue of safety,a large teen on a small boys bike. that wasn't going to happen!

other times,i get the last word thrown over their shoulder as they are leaving the room,the conversation has ended,but they get last word in. usually a critiscism of what i've just told them.

but yes,pick my battles i guess.

OP posts:
inthesticks · 26/09/2009 14:15

No backchat here either but DS1 is developing a new air of patronising smugness. His latest expression when I nag ask him to do his homework or remember to take his PE kit etc is "leave it to me , I will take the consequences".
He's absolutely right of course.

noddyholder · 26/09/2009 14:18

My ds is a PITA but not too much back chat He sometimes gives the impression he just tolerates us which I find hilarious but apart from that he's ok.has an opinion on every bloody thing though!

pagwatch · 26/09/2009 16:48

noddy

I know what you mean.
Mine also has the habit of telling me things I have been telling him for years as if he had reinvented the wheel.

Starts some of those converstaions with things like " one of my tutors told me something really interesting the other day..." with the implication that anything I tell him is a pile of drivel but anyone else tells him and it is news!
And then does obscure stuff like translating something in Latin and if I ask him a question he looks at me as if I have asked him to tell me where my arse is because I have forgotten.

And don't get me started on when I have to ask him anything computer/ipod/music/mobile ohone related. He was telling me about Stevie Wonder and Motown the other day as if I had never heard ofthem and then helped me download some music with the air of describing the big bang theory to a small chimp
I think he thinks I was born just after the great plague
Sometimes I feel like I was