how much 'back chat' do your teens get away with?

[GypsyMoth]

i hate it!!

i just think to myself, 'i would never have dared speak to my parents like that'...but then,i'd be likely to have the threat of a slap hanging over me! can't do that these days,and they bloody well know it!

just said to dd,"no you can't go to the shop on your brothers bike" (its too small for her hence dangerous!) she retorted with a snappy 'mum,it's none of your business'. this is just one example of her gobby retorts. she has recently become both a teenager,in july,and started at the upper school,sept,so see's herself as supremely grown up!

i seem to ground her for the slightest thing these days. she says i'm way too strict.

how do you al get the balance right?

[sue1911]

DD occasionally will try to back chat, but getting rarer as I wont tolerate it.

As for last word issues she doesnt do that anymore as I told her it was so childish and if she was going to resort to childish behaviour she would be treated accordingly. Even worse I threatened I would do it infront of her friends.

differences of opinions are allowed

riding a bike too small after being told not too?

result A smug mother who said uh hu when told her DD had fallen off and a DD with a cut arm. Moment of parent satisfaction = priceless

[Tortington]

in the op scenario - it clearly was your business and i presume you say so - and of course you would be quite right.

we discuss things - with my oldest son (19 and doesn't live here anymore ) discussions turn into him shouting then me shouting - i don't know how it happens - but its an illustration of how i understand how diferent kids are just...well different.

the twins (16) we discuss - usually. ds is always with the funny flip comment - sometimes its funny - i laugh sometimes i tell him its not appropriate and i am serious.

so i think i let them get away with a lot of flip comments but if they take the piss in a nasty way there would be trouble.

ps. i find cleaning the bog much better than grounding - cos no one wants to clean the og - that means you get a sparkling bog and you dont have to do it

i usually prefer nasty chores to grounding

i usually ground them from their friends when its the influence of their friends i would like to keep them away from

the twins are both grounded at the moment - but i quite like them actually so its no skin off my nose - we all eat together at tea time for a change and we all went swimming today which was utterly brill!

[dogonpoints]

hmm. I think backchat is when you have said something seriously (and dc knew you meant it seriously) and you get a cheeky, sarky comment back.

[ra29needsabettername]

how are people defining backchat?

[dogonpoints]

But you shouldn't have reacted so seriously to the bike issue

[dogonpoints]

Maybe something that tiffany would call backchat, I wouldn't. Just a thought.

[cory]

can't see much difference between my approach and my Mum's really

voicing different opinion fine (or at least tolerable), swearing or name-calling or putting someone down not fine

not that I get that- dd has a good sense of humour and a rather detached way of looking at herself

it's her 9yo brother who does the teen backchat [mm]

[mumblechum]

It would be interesting to swap my 15 yr old ds for someone's 15 yr old dd one day just to see the difference.

I don't get much backchat, in fact he usually tells me off for eyerolling and impatience .

I love the discussions we have these days about all sorts of stuff, overseas aid, politics, music etc. I learn a lot.

[GypsyMoth]

i'm starting to get the impression that teenage ds's are lovely!!
good news when i have 3 boys!

[pagwatch]

noddy


I know what you mean.
Mine also has the habit of telling me things I have been telling him for years as if he had reinvented the wheel.

Starts some of those converstaions with things like " one of my tutors told me something really interesting the other day..." with the implication that anything I tell him is a pile of drivel but anyone else tells him and it is news!
And then does obscure stuff like translating something in Latin and if I ask him a question he looks at me as if I have asked him to tell me where my arse is because I have forgotten.

And don't get me started on when I have to ask him anything computer/ipod/music/mobile ohone related. He was telling me about Stevie Wonder and Motown the other day as if I had never heard ofthem and then helped me download some music with the air of describing the big bang theory to a small chimp
I think he thinks I was born just after the great plague
Sometimes I feel like I was

[noddyholder]

My ds is a PITA but not too much back chat He sometimes gives the impression he just tolerates us which I find hilarious but apart from that he's ok.has an opinion on every bloody thing though!

[inthesticks]

No backchat here either but DS1 is developing a new air of patronising smugness. His latest expression when I nag ask him to do his homework or remember to take his PE kit etc is "leave it to me , I will take the consequences".
He's absolutely right of course.

[GypsyMoth]

so you don't get any backchat? interesting!!

i don't have a problem with different opinions. but the bike thing was an issue of safety,a large teen on a small boys bike. that wasn't going to happen!

other times,i get the last word thrown over their shoulder as they are leaving the room,the conversation has ended,but they get last word in. usually a critiscism of what i've just told them.

but yes,pick my battles i guess.

[piscesmoon]

I agree 100% with pagwatch. I don't have it. You stop it the very first time. I don't do it to them and so they can't point out that they are doing what I do, because I don't.
I have never had to hit or ground them. You have them from birth, so if you never let them do it they don't even think of it as teens. We disagree and argue but I expect us to listen to each others views- they don't backchat.

[thepumpkineater]

I'm absolutely with Pagwatch on this one (earlier post).

I don't think disagreeing with my opinion is particularly 'backchat'.

[pagwatch]

expressing a different opinion isn't backchat in my book.
Backchat is rudeness.

I wouldn't be annoyed by my teenager disagreeing with me. I think it is healthy and normal.
But backchat. No

[ChookKeeper]

Difference of opinion is not a problem and usually leads to some interesting discussions.

Rudeness and talking to me like I'm something they've just stepped on is very rare but is a big no no and is jumped on straight away.

I agree about picking your battles and both of mine acknowledge that they know when they've gone too far 'cos if I go off on one it's rare but not a pretty sight .

Oh, and playing me off aginst DH does not and has not ever worked.

[dogonpoints]

I think this depends, in part, on how you communicate with your dc.

I mean, you could say rather primly 'no you can't go on that bike' or you could say - as if you weren' t terribly bothered - 'get off that bike, you loon, or you'll break your neck'.

Teens are highly tuned to tone of voice.

[random]

It depends what you consider backchat..expressing a different opinion to mine fair enough

[jalopy]

No back chat here, either. I wouldn't tolerate it and they wouldn't dare.

[GypsyMoth]

yes.a bit of perspective helps sometimes. both my dd's have said how horrified they were with certain friends behaviour towards there parents.

[teamcullen]

My DD isnt really that cheaky, it just sounds like she is when everything starts with "oh my God!!" and of course she is always right so if she disagrees she has to have her say.

The problem is her dad doesnt think she should have a different opinion than him so they are always arguing. He thorght she was the worst in the world until we went to Dublin in the summer and saw how his DN spoke to her parents.

[Hassled]

Well DD (20, so not a teenager) have just had a really mature exchange in the kitchen after I had a go at her for not washing up after herself.
Me: "I'll just wash this grater then, shall I?"
DD: "Well I would have but getting past you into the kitchen is like getting between a hippo and water."
Me: "Well I'd spend less time in the kitchen if I wasn't always washing your fucking dishes."

Really constructive . And I think I've ended up looking considerably worse.

But this is actually quite rare - the older DCs have pushed their luck but usually I have a zero tolerance approach. You do have to pick your battles, though - sometimes it's not worth getting wound up about.

[pagwatch]

sorry - kust realised mine read as if people on here have shouting swearing children and shout and swear at their children

I wasn't refering to the posters on this thread. I just mean other comments elsewhere on MN and in RL

[pagwatch]

I realise I am strange but we have absoloutely no back chat here at all. And no grounding either actually.
I rarely have to punish DS1 but he has known exactly what the rules are since he was small. he is too bright to do something when he absoloutely knows my punishment will be somethimg he really does not want to happen .

we have a great relationship as a consequence because he knows not to be rude or misbehave and i therefore don't have to punish him.

I don't recognise the way people talk abouttheir teenagers shouting and swearing atthem as if it is just something that teenagers do.But then I never shout at him or swear at him, Dh and I don't shout at each other so it is not something he sees as ok

And FWIW i have never slapped him either. If I had had to rely on physical punishment I would have been slightly screwed now he is 6ft tall and in the rugby team.