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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Clubbing for the under 18's. is it safe, how do you let them go the first time..HELP!!

158 replies

psychomum5 · 13/02/2009 08:24

DD1 has thrown me and DH a little. There is a rave in the local night club, for the under 18's, she has shown us the link, we know it is real.

she has asked to go, but with three girls we don;t know so well, one of which we do know, and the last time she was at our house did stuff we were not happy with (ie, was DD1's 14th b/day, we allowed a sleep-over for 6 of her friends, and this one girl had invited boys over via bebo and the first we knew was me going down as I heard the door open, and there were boys in the lounge........at midnight).

hence, we have little trust for this one girl we know, and as much as we trust out own DD, this is very very hard. We want her to grow up, (she is 15 in april BTW), we want her to do stuff that we used to do, but at the same time, we (me especially thru bad experiences), know what it can be like out there, especially if you are with girls who like to push the boundries a lot little.

now, as it stands at this moment in time, we have said yes, but we drop her there, pick her up, I have given her basic safety advice, and she will have her mobile.

she is ranting tho about how unfair it all is, how we don;t trust her, how her friends claims she is being treated like a baby etc etc etc.

we are trying so hard to do things in our way, so WE feel safe knowing that she is as safe as poss, but at the same time knowing we have to let her do this stuff cos soon enough she is going to be leaving school and getting on with her own life!

argh...................I want my toddlers back, I hate having teenagers!!!!

are we doing this right??

are we being too hard??

how do we tread with her??

and what curfew is normal for this age.............at the moment she has to be home before dark or at least ring us at 5.30pm to let us know exactly where she is, but she is wanting later. I have said it will get later as it gets lighter and as she does things right now so I trust her more and more so allow more and more (IYGWIM).

HELP

please

OP posts:

AccidentalMum · 13/02/2009 22:32

I would be really happy and reassured that she wants to go to an under 18s night rather than over 18s.

Original poster

psychomum5 · 13/02/2009 23:05

that is very true!

OP posts:

themoon66 · 13/02/2009 23:14

I always let my DD go to these under 18 things. By the time she was 18 she was bored with nightclubs and had lost interest.

Watch out for fruit shoot bottles... they are used to smuggle vodka in.

Original poster

psychomum5 · 13/02/2009 23:15

oh god, another reason to be scared of fruit shoots!!

OP posts:

skramble · 13/02/2009 23:24

Is it a regular under 18 event, if not I would be wary about the staff and their ability to deal with this age group.

I would drop off and pick up, most of the hassle they get, or problems they get into are not in the venue itself but outside.

I would simply expalin that it is not that you don't trust her but don't trust the type of people who might be hanging about outside an under agers disco and some of the others that might be going.

Same thing at senior school discos, I know people who do security at these kind of events and again it is outside that there is problems not inside. Older kids drinking, hanging about intheir cars, and all that.

So straight in,
keep hold of your drink,
don't take anything,
know where the staff are,
know where all the exits are and that they are clear and not locked.
stay with your freinds,
don't leave early with out phoning first,

smudgethepuppydog · 13/02/2009 23:24

I used to let my Dd go to these Nappy Nights as they're called in our local night club too. She had the same restrictions as your DD and far from being the (in her words) 'only one to get a lift home' she'd have to fight through the crowds to get to the parent who was collecting. We gave DD the talk about sticking to drinks she'd bought, never putting them down out of sight and if she did put them out of sight to forget that drink and just re-order another one.

Both of my kids have been allowed to have alcohol at home since they were teens but luckily neither of them seem to have much of ataste for it. DD is almost 19, likes Archers and has never been drunk DS is 17, hates alcohol and has never been drunk. I must have done it right soemwhere along teh line but goodness only knows how!

skramble · 13/02/2009 23:34

Is it a regular under 18 event, if not I would be wary about the staff and their ability to deal with this age group.

I would drop off and pick up, most of the hassle they get, or problems they get into are not in the venue itself but outside.

I would simply expalin that it is not that you don't trust her but don't trust the type of people who might be hanging about outside an under agers disco and some of the others that might be going.

skramble · 13/02/2009 23:35

oops

Original poster

psychomum5 · 13/02/2009 23:37

it is a regular thing. one that I know has been happening at that particular club for years, so that in itself is reassuring.

I have told her all the rules regarding drinks, and staying together with her friends etc. and told her that it is the same rules I follow when out for safety reasons, and she actually listened and agreed and knew why, so she does have a sensible head on her shoulders.

Now I just have to get thru monday!

OP posts:

sb6699 · 13/02/2009 23:50

Not sure why you're posting psycho - you seem to have it well sussed.

Bear in mind ALL teenagers will object to being picked up from outside a club as the whole point in doing it is to feel grown up but as others have said just explain that its not that you don't trust HER but you don't trust OTHERS.

These places are so well run nowadays I'm sure there will be no problem - its more than their licence is worth.

If she's agreed with the rules about staying with friends and watching her drinks, etc and understands the reasons behind them you both seem to be headed in the right direction.

Should point out that I don't actually have teens yet and my dc's will not be allowed to socialise outwith my company until they're at least 30

nappyaddict · 14/02/2009 12:53

I remember going to these discos at 13. It will be fine

Original poster

psychomum5 · 14/02/2009 17:06

SB6699...........I am trying to have it sussed. posting here is making sure I have all angles covered.

NA, you survived it then pretty recently........that gives me hope

OP posts:

Coldtits · 14/02/2009 17:14

before dark is a very early curfew for a nearly 15 year old, and would have outraged me as a teenager. At 15 my curfew was 9.30 in the week, 10.30 at weekends.

In 14 months she is old enough to move out, get married and have a baby - if you don't let her off the leash a bit you might be facing that very situation! You are stifling her.

iMum · 14/02/2009 17:31

I am in no way saying that this is right but...

I started going to over 18 clubs at 13 (am very tall and large of nork) I never drank and my dads cabbie mate used to collect me at 12. I went alone, met friends there and had a good time I never did drugs or smoked.
However, I met and moved in with my future dh in that club at 16.

God knows what I will do when my kids reach teenage years!

Lins75 · 15/02/2009 15:49

5.30 p.m.?

Oh goodness, this just made me feel like the most leniant parent in the world!
DSD has just turned 15 and she is more likely to stay out until 5.30 a.m.

MaureenMLove · 15/02/2009 16:48

5.30am? Where the devil is she until 5.30 in the morning?

Lins75 · 15/02/2009 17:24

At a party, or a club, just hanging out with her friends... I mean it's not exactly something I would permit (I have a 13yo DD and she's only goes to the movies) but my DH permits this for his 2 kids and she's not exactly going out to trashy places or anything, no drugs heaven forbid...

I don't know, her curfew is actually 3 a.m. but she sometimes stays out later.
I know it seems to leniant but she actually a good kid... maybe a bit too much of a 'fun-craving' teen but a good kid.

Original poster

psychomum5 · 16/02/2009 18:38

5.30m

sorry, but nope, no way for my teens (well, so I say right now of course...........this IS my first teen).

the curfew for her is before dark if it is when she is out shopping and coming home alone. it is one that I am comfortable with, and TBH, she needs to be home most nights before then anyway as she dances 3 nights a week, plus saturdays.

if she is out with friends and doing something planned, like ice skating, the pictures, at pizza hut, then of course she is allowed later, and then we collect her. we have some control, she gets to stay out with her friends, everyone is happy.

as it gets lighter, so she will be allowed longer out anyway, she knows this, and as she gets older it will extend more. I need to learn to trust myself more tho...........she is aware that my own past has made me wary, I sadly have experienced the bad stuff that goes on out there, and I am not willing to put her at risk of the same. once I am happy and can cope with later, so she will get the later.

in fact we did allow her later on saturday. she rang at 5 to ask if she could stay on at the shopping centre, she was with a friend who lives one road away, so she had an extra hour. she was most pleased, and I was ok as I had spoken to her so knew where she was, who with, and how she was getting home. because of that, no doubt the later curfew will get extended a little quicker

as for tonight............she went to meet her friend at lunchtime taking her bits with her, they got the bus to their mates house where they are getting ready, she is as I type heading to the club......it starts at 6.30. I have spoken to her once, DH has too, we are both happy as she seems ok, and now I am sat here feeling very sick with nerves, even tho I KNOW this event is well organised.

it actually finishes at 11pm, not the 10.30pm that I thought, and DH is going to collect them all, drop each girl home, and then bring back two...........DD1 and one friend......they are sleeping here tonight.

until she gets home tho......flutter/twitch/flutter.......that will be what my heart is doing!

next time ( that there is a next time), of course I will be calmer.........the firsts of anything is sooooooooo HARD!!

and she will probably come home looking like this-->>

OP posts:

Flamesparrow · 16/02/2009 19:41

3am curfew at 15?!?!?!

What is she wearing? Did you see what she took?

I remember the one and only time I was forced to one of these things and I was ordered by my mate to wear the teeniest skirt possible .

Music was crap (to me), and to our mate who she fancied, so I legged it with him and we came back in time to be yelled at by her and picked up .

Flamesparrow · 16/02/2009 19:42

That was possibly a story to share when tonight was over . In all fairness, it was at the pavilion, I am assuming they have better security these days, and all I did was sit at a bus stop for a few hours talking.

littlerach · 16/02/2009 19:55

Oooh, I remember the Pavilion.
was crap, lol.

Dsd is 16 now but at 14/15 she was out v v late and up to No Good. And drank a fair bit from what she said. But at ovwer 18 things, not under 18.

Thankfully she has a different set of friends now (her own age) and whilst she is no angel, she is less of a worry.

I bet your dd has a fab time.

BTW, I was never picked up by my parents, but my friend's dad often did, and we were so pleased we didn't have ot get the bus/walk hoime.

Original poster

psychomum5 · 16/02/2009 19:58

no idea what she is wearing, and am now worried

I remember going out with my friends with teeny tiny, no-bigger-than-a-belt skirts........oh god, this is horrid!!

and yes flame, that story could well have waited!

DH is not coping wth this at all..........keeps threatening to go up there NOW to sit and wait. this is not helping my nerves, altho the wine is slightly

OP posts:

Remotew · 16/02/2009 20:07

I would let my 14 year old DD go to one of these club nights. There isn't one in our home town just one 10 miles away and they wouldn't go to that. Fact is my DD has no interest in socialising this way, she goes to the cinema and out for meals. Says she would rather wait until she is 18 and have proper nights out.

I on the other hand was always out even at 12, we went to the youth club where there was little supervision and went to over 18's nights at 15.

MaureenMLove · 16/02/2009 20:17

Gosh, is it Monday night already? I promised to be here, didn't I? I was busy making sure DD was sorted for her night tomorrow. I've got to do her nails in a minute!

I can't understand why anybody would let their 15 year old DD 'hang out' until 5am!

Anyway, back to you! Breathe. It'll all be over in 3 hours. Think how quickly 3 hours goes on here! DD is wearing a red tutu and a superman t-shirt aparently They all are. It's the thing to be seen in, so I'm told!

Original poster

psychomum5 · 16/02/2009 20:28

lol @ tutu

I cannot see DD1 going out in a tutu, she wears them for ballet, so for her it would seem pretty odd I reckons. mind you, if her friends were then maybe......

I have sent her a text a little while back asking if she is ok and having fun, but so fr, no reply.....[ :S ]....tell me it is just cos she is occupied and not able to hear it........I am getting fretful

OP posts:

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