Clubbing for the under 18's. is it safe, how do you let them go the first time..HELP!!

[psychomum5]

DD1 has thrown me and DH a little. There is a rave in the local night club, for the under 18's, she has shown us the link, we know it is real.

she has asked to go, but with three girls we don;t know so well, one of which we do know, and the last time she was at our house did stuff we were not happy with (ie, was DD1's 14th b/day, we allowed a sleep-over for 6 of her friends, and this one girl had invited boys over via bebo and the first we knew was me going down as I heard the door open, and there were boys in the lounge........at midnight).

hence, we have little trust for this one girl we know, and as much as we trust out own DD, this is very very hard. We want her to grow up, (she is 15 in april BTW), we want her to do stuff that we used to do, but at the same time, we (me especially thru bad experiences), know what it can be like out there, especially if you are with girls who like to push the boundries a lot little.

now, as it stands at this moment in time, we have said yes, but we drop her there, pick her up, I have given her basic safety advice, and she will have her mobile.

she is ranting tho about how unfair it all is, how we don;t trust her, how her friends claims she is being treated like a baby etc etc etc.

we are trying so hard to do things in our way, so WE feel safe knowing that she is as safe as poss, but at the same time knowing we have to let her do this stuff cos soon enough she is going to be leaving school and getting on with her own life!

argh...................I want my toddlers back, I hate having teenagers!!!!

are we doing this right??

are we being too hard??

how do we tread with her??

and what curfew is normal for this age.............at the moment she has to be home before dark or at least ring us at 5.30pm to let us know exactly where she is, but she is wanting later. I have said it will get later as it gets lighter and as she does things right now so I trust her more and more so allow more and more (IYGWIM).

HELP

please

Psycho I dont wanna put a bad vibe on this but i think your reasons for not wanting her to go are the same as mine and as my dh pointed out these things happened to me and its not fair to hold ds back 'just in case'....bloody hard though i find.

ah, your comment on you DsD makes me feel slightly better..........DD1 is not interested in boys at all. not least because she does scouts and knows what boys are like (bloody childish in her 14yr old opinions!!!).

ok, so, for the clubbing, seems I am doing the right things.

curfew, I will relnt slowly over the next few weeks as it gets lighter and she continues acting as I ask (ie, let me build up the confidence while she proves that she is trust worthy).

and hopefully, we will all be happy

Only read op but defintely pick her up. How else is she going to get home late at night!! Perhaps you could let them make their own way their together if it's not too far?

nickschick...........yeah, I know, but I am finding it sooooooooooo hard.

I know the bad that can happen.

I hate this. all these mums of toddlers.......they have no idea what they are complaining about..........they have it EASY!

TBH, I think the nightclubs are taking over from the Youth Club discos in church halls. We used to got to a church hall disco every month, when we were around this age, but they just don't do them anymore. Too much hassle or insurance problems for the vicars!!

The nightclubs are just cashing in on an extra night during the week, when they wouldn't normally open to over 18's. far play to them. Ours is ridiculously well organised. Aparently, so DD tells me, all the bouncers (and there were many) all wear hi vis jackets, so they can be quickly seen. There are bouncers in the toilets (female of course) and someone with hi vis on at every emergency exit.

They'd be fools not to. They'd be closed down within seconds, if anything happened.

NA........the picking up thing is because I am insisting they all sleep over, so I can keep tabs and know where she is.

I am not very good at letting her go to unknown friends houses for sleepovers yet.

mind you, she was thrilled with the suggestion of them all sleeping over..........I just hope now that they are not TOO hyped.

maureen, my early clubbing days were in the local sports centre, and we used to giggle at all the snogging the first times we went.

then got in on it

oh those first days of innocent snogging with spotty yoofs and their mullets tryin to look cool and 'miami-vice-like'!

My dd used to go to one when she was 14 ...imo it was very well organised and strictly no alcohol... she had a great time and my dp was always the taxi driver picking her and her mates up after

How hard do you think it is for me psychmum??? i bloomin married the bouncer of the first nightclub i went in lolol

PMSL! My fella had a white jacket with the sleeves pushed up!

Don't think about what you did too much! It'll NOT make you feel any better at all!

Oh and they WILL be hyper! They'll be talking about next time as they get in the car!!

you married the bouncer???

sorry, but

does he comment on what you were like??

You know what p*sses me off, about being the mother of a teen? I kept saying it would get easier and I'd be able to get my life back etc etc, but it's bloody worse! Now, not only am I on call to collect at any given moment, but I have to remain sober, so that I can drive!

yes ]

I never had to pay to get in again .....and my drinks were free lololol

I was only 17 and not old enough to be in the club cos in those days we had vicars tough enough to cope with church discos

Having said that ive been with dh 18 years this year!!!

tell your dd NOT to smile at the bouncers lol

By mrsjammi on Fri 13-Feb-09 21:15:48
i didnt mean to sound harsh, but 5.30 at 14/15 is early and she is probably right about her friends laughing at her

i find it incredibly difficult to let ds1 (13) have freedom, i HATE him coming home on the bus in the dark, i would much rather he was home, safe, every day by 5.30, but i feel it is important to let him develop a sense of freedom on his own terms, rather than have a rebelious teenager on my hands

also if you dont let her have some freedom, she wont learn, 15 is not too far from 18, when she is an adult, possibly will go away to university, she needs to have a good sense of self before she goes

mrs jammi my sons rarely go out to hang around ......they dont rebel they have mates in here or they go to a mates house - i think its when kids hang round in the dar at 9 pm that trouble starts - as a occasional youth worker i speak to lots of local teens who will say they wish they lived at mine they never watch tv with their mums they never have a laugh with their dads - my boys dont think they suffer and they certainly dont get ridiculed.....

I went to these. We used to go to the one shop in town we knew had no problem with serving drink to anyone and we would get pished on white lightening and then we would go to the disco.

Not that your dd would do such a thing of course, but, maybe arrange to drop her off and pick her back up to avoid any detours to the local booze shop.

They were safe enough though. Well supervised and there were any drugs, even in my town.

oh god, the memories of white lightening.

and diamond white

and cheap lager

ok, have changed my mind........she is being locked in a box until she is 30!!!

Oh jeez, did I get ratted on Diamond White! Can't bare the smell of cider even now and I'm 41!

Look, the point is, you guide your children as best you can. I did all the things, that right now, I would never, ever want to think about DD doing, but I NEVER got into drugs, I NEVER got arrested and I NEVER took any risks (ok, maybe a few) You can only guide and hope that they listen and learn from what you are telling them. If you come down heavy handed or neglect them and say 'whatever', you will loose them. Fact is, you are going to loose them from about 13 - 18, when it comes to their social life. It's only right. You really dont need to know what they are doing probably! But if you've done it right, they'll come back and they'll be a nicer, more loving person when they do.

snap regarding me and cider. dreadful dreadful stuff.

drugs...........am really hoping this is one thing I won;t have to fret about as they know first hand what drugs can do to a person in my mother. she has been in a mental home since I was 18mths due to heroin and LSD while pregnant with me.........she is schizophrenic.

as much as it pains me to see her, it has done one thing for me. it has shown my children the worst case scenerio (well, bar death obviously) that drugs can wreak on a person.

alcohol...................I am trying to let her try some at home so she can start to judge her limits on saf ground. I am not naive enough tho to think that she still won;t try it out of our sights..........I just have to hope that it won;t be yet.

smoking............one thing I actually hope they won;t do, but if they have to try, let it be fags! (IYGWIM)

Sounds to me like you've got it sorted. Your children will be fine. I'm not an authority on it, anymore than you. In fact, I'm 2 years behind you! But you clearly have enough values to care about her going to a club at 15, so that speaks volumes imho. It's a damn hard learning curve and as someone said earlier, its far more of a mine field than having a toddler!

thankyou for the vote of confidence maureen.

lets hope that in five years I am still doing it right!