12 year old girl (friend of DD) having sex - what to do?

[PersephoneSnape]

Not quite sure what to do ? or how to handle this ? or whether to keep my nose out, so I really do appreciate any advice  And the person in question isn?t quite a teen, but is certainly acting likeone, so I?ve popped this in here.

My DD (13) is friends with a 12 year old girl (let?s call her girl A) who she met via mutual friends. Girl A is home schooled, so there isn?t an opportunity to talk to school about this (which would make things a bit easier for me) Girl A has brightly coloured hair, facial piercings, lots of make up - she?s tiny, but developing etc. She could easily pass for 16. I haven?t met girl As mum, but my DD does spend a fair amount of time at her house and sleeps over on occasion with some other girls. Until recently DD has been protective of her relationship with girl A and I have allowed her an amount of freedom that I deem appropriate, although she does occasionally try to stretch this. I?ve always thought that to put down my foot and be all ?you-can?t-see-girl-A she?s-a-bad-influence!? would just cement their friendship.

My DD has fallen out with Girl A over something silly and teenagey, and last night told me that Girl A has a 20+ year old bf ? a photographer (who my DD has met) photographer is friends with a band that he takes photos for and Girl A has slept with 2 boys from the band (both in their very late teens or early 20s) DD is absolutely disgusted and assures me that she finds this really awful and won?t be doing what Girl A does, just because girl A does it. DD is very sensible ? my main concern is girl A. Her parents have broken up very recently, she has had a hard time of it, but her reactions seem to be drinking, smoking and now, apparently having sex.

Should I talk to her mum, who?ve I haven?t met before (hi! I?m DDs mum, your daughter is having sex?), talk to the police, find the boys in the band on myspace (?) and tell them how old girl A is, or keep my nose well out. Would you like to know if your tear-a-way 12 year old was having sex? Or is it all talk/bragging and trying to look important and grown up ( Girl A can spin some amazing tales)

What would mumsnet do?

What a terrible dilemma PS. You're handling it well.

This is from Justine / MNHQ re contact at NSPCC:

It's a good thought, but unfortunately our ads come through ad agencies so we don't have a quick line to someone at the NSPCC.

In this case, may be best to give the op the NSPCC helpline

Sorry not to be more help
M Towers

Persephone. Unfortunately SS sometimes do react like that. I put in a referral (in my professional capacity) and was told by ss that they were not interested, and would not be taking further action. I stuck to my guns, and felt that something was not right within the family. I contacted the Duty manager at SS (rather than the duty social worker), and put all my concerns in writing. I phoned them several times to check that they had received the letter etc. They finally agreed to look into it. Suffice to say that my concerns were found to have substance, things have escalated and the children are now on the child protection register.

Well done for acting on this. I may have said earlier on the thread that there was a possibility of her bragging (it does happen, I did have friends who did), but what you have told us later shows that this child really does need help. Good on you for not giving up.

got home from work to find a card through the door from (what we ever vigilant nosy-neighbour has informed me were )uniformed police gave the number on the card a ring and have got the number of polices family protection services for our area, so am going to give them a ring tomorrow morning and see if they can come out and see me at work. I wouldn't be happy with them coming to my house to see me as really don't want to have to explain to DSs, but I will let you all know what they say (subject to confidentiality etc)

Justine, thanks very much - thats fine if only we had a batphone!

Littlefish, thank you - thats the kind of comment i need to keep me going and not give up.

Well done PS. Good idea to arrange to see the police at work.

Persephone, good for you - really. You have brought back memories of when I was in your daughters position, and 30 years later and I still have big regrets... My bf at the time was 15, but a very immature 15. She didn't have boyfriends etc. Anyway she started acting strange and confided in me that she had been raped by 3 men, it was terrible. She didn't want her parents to know cos she didn't want to upset them.

I wanted to tell my mum so-o-o much, but her mum and mine were friends and I was torn as I didn't know whether her mum should know or not.So I sadi nothing.

Looking back I needed an adult's view. I told my mum recently and she said she would have helped and wished I'd told her.

meanwhile my bf dropped out of school and has had lots of crappy relationships with men, and not the happy family life she always wanted.

So Good for you Perseph. an adults perspective is needed, and your daughter will be proud of you, if not now, then when she has kids of her own .

PS
(I have been posting under a new name recently, but am reverting back to an old one for the sake of this thread)

I would like to give you the point of view of being in a very similar position to this 12 year old girl in the hope that it will ensure that you persevere, and to say that IMO you are doing the right thing!

My mother meant well, and thought she was doing the right thing, and so would have defended her position to the hilt. Moreover, she would have put steps in place to prevent help reaching me and persuaded me that 'others' were wrong... I strongly suspect that this child's mother would have done the same thing. Going to speak to her first would have meant that the child was unreachable. IMO you did the right thing going to SS and the police. Keep plugging away until somebody takes care of this little girl.

I ended up at 14 in an abusive (physically, mentally and sexually) relationship with a 19 yr old man, by 15 I was expecting his child, (he refused to wear protection because it was 'uncomfortable' for him, I was too scared to see a Dr for meds and I wasn't fully developed so I didn't think I could get pregnant...). There is so much more to this story, and it breaks my heart to think that there could have been another path for me and my DC, if only somebody had the guts to stand up and speak on my behalf (I know many people were worried and it makes me cross to think that not ONE person helped me!)

I am now in my late 20's and clawing my way out of hell. I ended up in an even worse relationship. He nearly killed me and my DC. I feel so sorry for my DC they could have had the most wonderful mother and my goodness they deserve it! They are the most wonderful DC, and really don't deserve to have me as their mother. I know that I am a good mother now, but they deserved a better start in life. I still have demons in the closet that need dealing with (quite frankly I am a contained mess).

This could all have been prevented. If only somebody had stepped up and spoken for me. Please please please, bare in mind, that this child is most likely hiding far more than you can see. She desperately needs help, and whilst she is young is the best time for that help to get to her. Once she is grown she will have the burden of her wrongs to sort through along with the emotional psychological and social mess she already has to contend with.

What a very brave post MaryPoppins. Thank you for sharing it with us. I think it's just what PS needs to hear. I hope that you find a way to start dealing with your own demons.

thank you so much marypoppins. I'm absolutely sure you're doing the very best you can for your dCs. thank you for being able to share, it must be very difficult to look back and think what might have been.

a little update, i went and made a full statement at the police station at lunchtime - the DC (do you still call female police officers WDC and WPC? they were ladies anyway) were smashing. They're going to talk to child A and her parents and want to take an additional statement from my DD, I thought DD might be a bit iffy, but I've said that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to, but child A acts in a certain way because she needs help and it would be a kindness, also it would be a WPC/WDC and they'd be in plain clothes ( I assume)and DD isn't in trouble etc. told DD to think about it over the weekend, but at the moment she is keen. am very proud of DD.

....and we are proud of you PersephoneSnape

Well done PS. I'm so pleased that the police were helpful and supportive. Your dd sounds so mature and thoughtful.