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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old girl (friend of DD) having sex - what to do?

137 replies

PersephoneSnape · 12/01/2009 09:52

Not quite sure what to do ? or how to handle this ? or whether to keep my nose out, so I really do appreciate any advice  And the person in question isn?t quite a teen, but is certainly acting likeone, so I?ve popped this in here.

My DD (13) is friends with a 12 year old girl (let?s call her girl A) who she met via mutual friends. Girl A is home schooled, so there isn?t an opportunity to talk to school about this (which would make things a bit easier for me) Girl A has brightly coloured hair, facial piercings, lots of make up - she?s tiny, but developing etc. She could easily pass for 16. I haven?t met girl As mum, but my DD does spend a fair amount of time at her house and sleeps over on occasion with some other girls. Until recently DD has been protective of her relationship with girl A and I have allowed her an amount of freedom that I deem appropriate, although she does occasionally try to stretch this. I?ve always thought that to put down my foot and be all ?you-can?t-see-girl-A she?s-a-bad-influence!? would just cement their friendship.

My DD has fallen out with Girl A over something silly and teenagey, and last night told me that Girl A has a 20+ year old bf ? a photographer (who my DD has met) photographer is friends with a band that he takes photos for and Girl A has slept with 2 boys from the band (both in their very late teens or early 20s) DD is absolutely disgusted and assures me that she finds this really awful and won?t be doing what Girl A does, just because girl A does it. DD is very sensible ? my main concern is girl A. Her parents have broken up very recently, she has had a hard time of it, but her reactions seem to be drinking, smoking and now, apparently having sex.

Should I talk to her mum, who?ve I haven?t met before (hi! I?m DDs mum, your daughter is having sex?), talk to the police, find the boys in the band on myspace (?) and tell them how old girl A is, or keep my nose well out. Would you like to know if your tear-a-way 12 year old was having sex? Or is it all talk/bragging and trying to look important and grown up ( Girl A can spin some amazing tales)

What would mumsnet do?

OP posts:
Original poster
PersephoneSnape · 12/01/2009 11:09

I don't think it's an 'age appropriate freedom' either - which is why my DD doesn't go.

ugh. thanks for all comments so far, I still don't know what to do.

OP posts:
iheartdusty · 12/01/2009 11:12

what about having a talk to childline, or someone like this
getconnected

there might be a local branch, could your DD go with her friend?

zazen · 12/01/2009 11:13

So it's deffinately sex then. And unprotected sex at that.

This is a crime and it is your civic and moral duty to report this crime to the police.
I see no grey area here.

As this child is under the legal age for sex, she has been raped, and maybe even photographed for a porn site.

Please have a chat at the local police station: they will alert SS and make investigations.

Please you MUST go to the police with this crime. Think about, it could me my DD, it could be your DD.

You know about this crime now, and not to do anything is conspiracy in my book.

Go and chat with the police, this girl is in danger.

AMumInScotland · 12/01/2009 11:13

As far as home education goes, the LEA have a responsibility to make sure she is getting an appropriate education, if someone raises concerns, but they don't have child protection responsibilities, so they would pass you on to SS for this kind of concern.

MarmadukeScarlet · 12/01/2009 11:14

dusty I can't see girl A volunteering to go somewhere to talk about this, I think she needs to be seen by SS.

Maybe Helena has a point, perhasp a word with the staff member at your DD's school responsible for Child Protection could give you an idea of what they would have to do in these circs if it was one of their pupils.

herbietea · 12/01/2009 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SimpleAsABC · 12/01/2009 11:17

I told a similar big fib when younger, not about a 20 y.o, but it was purely to keep up with others in my class. I wouldn't have dreamt of ACTUALLY doing it therefore I had to embellish my own little tale.

Still getting caught up with it now, thankfully a couple of years ago I was totally honest with the guy i'd said it about and he'd known for years and found it quite funny.

Think what I'm trying to say is that unless it stops now there'll be repercussions either way regardless of whether or not it is true.

iheartdusty · 12/01/2009 11:17

Fair point, marmaduke, but what I had in mind was that the OP might want to call the helpline herself first to see what they recommend.

getconnected exists precisely to do this - to put young people in touch with a service that will help with their particular circumstances, and they get 10% of their calls from adults who are wondering how to help a young person.

Original poster
PersephoneSnape · 12/01/2009 11:17

I know i have to do something zazen, I'm just still a little unsure of the best route. I am big on civic duty etc, I'm not just going to ignore it, but I'm not going to make a snap decision either. The child is in danger, she is having (un)protected sex, I'm just trying to work out the best route to sort it out.

OP posts:
DaddyJ · 12/01/2009 11:20

For starters, I'd set up a random email address
and send the band members as well as the photographer
a short, succint message along the lines of
'You know girl A? She is 12. First and very last warning, mate.'

And then..I am not sure. Definitely not Social Services. Not yet anyway.
Maybe the mother although well-meaning advice can backfire spectacularly.

kormachameleon · 12/01/2009 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 11:25

I think it would be a mistake to bypass the parents and go straight to SS.

As difficult as it is, you have to speak to the parents first, and then if you are uncomfortable with their reaction, tell them you will be taking it further.

If the girl is lying, some poor blokes could get in an awful lot of trouble over this. Mud sticks and all that, many reputations have been ruined in this way.

Just because she has done a pg test does not prove anything. Some of these girls will take a fantasy a very long way to gain kudos.

Give everyone a chance to get the truth out first, if that doesn't happen to put your mind at rest, then contact police and/or SS.

kormachameleon · 12/01/2009 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frogs · 12/01/2009 11:40

I think talking to your own dd's school to see what action they would consider appropriate might be a good idea. At least that way you'd be getting info from people who have probably dealt with similar situations in the past and know what the protocol is.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 13:26

I can see that korma, but for most families if an outsider were to go straight to SS without discussing it first would be like a red rag to a bull.

Put yourself in that situation, if this girls mum has no idea of what may/may not be happening she will go into massive defence mode at what she will see as "whistle-blowing" without at least giving her the chance to head it off before it becomes official.

This is potentially very serious for the girl, the family, and the men in the frame. Telling SS will set off a massive chain reaction and you can't just hop off that particular roller-coaster without a lot of fall-out.

The family must be informed first.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 13:28

I would honestly be fucking livid if somebody did that to my family without speaking to me first.

lessonlearned · 12/01/2009 19:47

Anyfucker, I agree with you and I think the OP needs to let mum know she will be supported and not blamed. There is a strong possibility that the mum will react badly as she maybe caught up in a lot of stress of her own at the moment but if the OP can put it in the same way that she's done here ie "this info has come my way and I thought you needed to hear it before it goes further. If it's not true I don't want rumours spreading but if it is you need to be the one making decisions about this."

lessonlearned · 12/01/2009 19:51

Sorry I should have said the only time I would bypass the parent is if it increased the chance of significant harm to the child.

AnarchyAunt · 12/01/2009 20:11

This is very hard to get right.

When I was younger (18/19) I lived in a well established long running squat in London. One of the men I shared a house with had a 12 yo DD living with him, who was HE on paper but actually just left to her own devices. She had dyed hair, piercings, her own dog-on-a-string, a 17 yo boyfriend. She'd go out to parties every weekend, drink, take drugs, the lot. She could easily pass for 16 or so. Her dad used to pass on the benefit money he got for her as pocket money.

Now to his mind and to a lot of others', she was the perfect 'free range child'. Some of the people in the community worried about her but nobody ever wanted to be the one to rock the boat, as it were, or to poke the sacred cow of free range education and best-friends-parenting. Her dad knew what she was up to, and to his mind it was fine. He'd not have taken kindly to anyone 'meddling' which is how he would have seen it. She could hardly read or write, and spent most of her time at parties or watching TV.

I know all about autonomous HE but this was not it, it was crap lazy parenting by a selfish adult.

So speaking to the parents may not get you anywhere at all, though maybe if you meet them first this will give you an inkling of how they are likely to react. I have to say that I'd be considering social services, and I wish someone had done years ago with the girl I knew. Last I heard of her she was about 20, in a flat with 2 DC and a liking for smoking crack.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 20:52

Yes LL, I too suspect the mother may react badly. But I would rather take that risk and give her the chance because that is what I would want for myself. I would word it just like you did.

Very difficult situation, one I do not envy.

AA, did anyone actually try to tackle that selfish father you spoke of? If they did, and he didn't step up, then I think anyone would be justified in taking it further.

Mamazon · 12/01/2009 20:55

i would ring the mum and tell her what you have been told. explain that your sure its just banter between girls but that your worried.

I would imagine that this mum isn't quite on the ball with regards her parenting if she has allowed her 12 year old to have facial piercings but thats just MHO

EllieG · 12/01/2009 21:01

Call police. Girl is being abused by these men. I wouldn't speak to parents. Don't know what is happening at home and could tip them off.

AnarchyAunt · 12/01/2009 21:03

Well, every now and then someone would have a go about it - I know there was a big hoohah when he went to Holland for a month and left her in the squat with £50 for food (yes, really). But nobody ever took it further - it was a transient population mainly, though he had been there years. At the time I was v young and had no real idea of how bad it was, in fact I was rather tbh as my parents had been very strict.

Was just trying to illustrate how some parents really do have completely different ideas of what is appropriate - I have seen parents who would not be in the slightest bit concerned by what OP describes . It isn't always as simple as approaching them - had anyone reported this man to SS, the finger would have pointed at the last person to raise concerns with him personally.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2009 21:08

none of us knows how this mum parents her child (piercings to one side for a moment)

the OP herself has said she doesn't know the family at all well

this may come across as a criticism OP, but if you have allowed your dd to stay on a sleepover at their house, it is not appropriate for you not to speak to them personally if some concerns have been raised

mumeeee · 12/01/2009 21:15

She might not actualy be having sex, But just bragging about it. But I would talk to her Mum.