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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

12 year old girl (friend of DD) having sex - what to do?

137 replies

PersephoneSnape · 12/01/2009 09:52

Not quite sure what to do ? or how to handle this ? or whether to keep my nose out, so I really do appreciate any advice  And the person in question isn?t quite a teen, but is certainly acting likeone, so I?ve popped this in here.

My DD (13) is friends with a 12 year old girl (let?s call her girl A) who she met via mutual friends. Girl A is home schooled, so there isn?t an opportunity to talk to school about this (which would make things a bit easier for me) Girl A has brightly coloured hair, facial piercings, lots of make up - she?s tiny, but developing etc. She could easily pass for 16. I haven?t met girl As mum, but my DD does spend a fair amount of time at her house and sleeps over on occasion with some other girls. Until recently DD has been protective of her relationship with girl A and I have allowed her an amount of freedom that I deem appropriate, although she does occasionally try to stretch this. I?ve always thought that to put down my foot and be all ?you-can?t-see-girl-A she?s-a-bad-influence!? would just cement their friendship.

My DD has fallen out with Girl A over something silly and teenagey, and last night told me that Girl A has a 20+ year old bf ? a photographer (who my DD has met) photographer is friends with a band that he takes photos for and Girl A has slept with 2 boys from the band (both in their very late teens or early 20s) DD is absolutely disgusted and assures me that she finds this really awful and won?t be doing what Girl A does, just because girl A does it. DD is very sensible ? my main concern is girl A. Her parents have broken up very recently, she has had a hard time of it, but her reactions seem to be drinking, smoking and now, apparently having sex.

Should I talk to her mum, who?ve I haven?t met before (hi! I?m DDs mum, your daughter is having sex?), talk to the police, find the boys in the band on myspace (?) and tell them how old girl A is, or keep my nose well out. Would you like to know if your tear-a-way 12 year old was having sex? Or is it all talk/bragging and trying to look important and grown up ( Girl A can spin some amazing tales)

What would mumsnet do?

OP posts:

Heated · 13/01/2009 20:18

Good decision PS. You said at the very outset that your sense of responsibility wouldn't allow you do nothing and am glad you have managed to wrestle to a best course of action.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 13/01/2009 22:55

Personally I would have sent the mum an anonymous letter, thus ensuring it doesn't come back to you, but not having to involve SS.

LolaTheShowgirl · 14/01/2009 11:22

Does this not make girl A's 20 yr old boyfriend a paedophile?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 14/01/2009 11:25

Yes lola it does. And it makes him a very dangerous man who needs to be monitored, what sort of 20 y o would be interested in a 12 y o?

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 14/01/2009 11:30

I did see the pictures that she had posted on the internet of herself in her underwear last night and I can accept that he did think she was 16. Apparently she hasn't slept with 20 y o bf, just a couple of his friends. (...)

phoned social work, who more or less held up their hands and went 'no thanks', so i'm now planning to go into the police station near work at lunch.

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 14/01/2009 11:32

Have you been to her mum? It sounds like she is having difficulty coping with her dd. Maybe if you talk to her about this you could offer her suppport and maybe encourage her to contact SS herself who may act more if she contacts them.

Aitch · 14/01/2009 11:35

good decision PS.

Aitch · 14/01/2009 11:35

sorry, x-posted. ss said no thanks? that's crap.

MarmadukeScarlet · 14/01/2009 11:43

Good luck with the police. I am horrified at SS reaction.

Were to pics of herself on Facebook or something? Did you tell SS about them?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 14/01/2009 11:45

And also sorry but as some one who used to hang around older guys when I was young there isn't a chance in hell he actually believed that she was 16!

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 14/01/2009 12:00

not like i'm going to link to the pictures to proove my point...but...

i think it can be difficult when you see young (legal) women in the media acting like children and it being acceptable - theres a whole argument about sexualisation of children and young mens perception of women that could fill up a huge new thread. It certainly isn't a situation that I'd like to see either of my son's in when they are older. am leaving early i think to go to police before i go to pick up Ds's.

thanks very much for support ladies, it's been very difficult - i do appreciate it.

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 14/01/2009 12:07

No, I believe that she may look 16(ish). But do all of her friend? Presumably he has met them. She never mentions school/her parents around him? I would find that hard to believe.

He wil know that she is still in school. he may not know how young she is. But trust me he knows that is not 16.

And the fact that some of his friends have slept with her, to me just screams that they know she is vunerable young girl and they are taking advantage of her to fulfill their own sexual wants.

YOu are doing the right thing going to the police but I'd also speak to her mum. My mum would have been mortified if she found out excatly what I had been upto at that age, and SS was probably what I needed because looking back the things that I got upto probably were a cry for help. Though I didn't think that at the time.

ginnny · 14/01/2009 12:25

I can't believe SS's reaction to this
That's the reason so many dc are left at risk and ignored until the poor little things are dead.
PS good luck with the police. You are doing the right thing.
At 12/13 my dsd and most of her friends would easily have physically passed for 16/17 year olds but as soon as they spoke it was clear to everyone that they were just young schoolgirls. You CAN tell the difference - just certain men don't want to see it IMO.

Chocolatedays · 14/01/2009 12:26

Hmm - knowing a few social workers I'm disappointed but not completely surprised by the lack of reaction - sadly there are many kids needing SS help.
If you can find the energy and are willing to put your name forward, it would be good if you could put your concerns in writing, addressed to the head of social services in your area. In light of the baby P case a concern expressed in writing (and including the details you've mentioned on here) is very hard for them to ignore. (you can express your which for the letter to be treated in strictest of confidence)

This poor child may not feel she is being abused, and it is possible her mum may not want to feel this either, but she sounds like she is in a mass - posting sexual pics of herself on the web makes me feel very very sad.

helena99 · 14/01/2009 12:36

PS, I am appalled that SS said 'no thanks'. I thought, after Baby P, that they were trying extra hard to Do The Right Thing at the moment. Or is it a case of them concentrating all their efforts on the next Baby P and therefore not having time for Girls A?

Have you spoken to NSPCC (seeing that their blardy adverts are on MN all the time, I can't see them saying 'no thanks'). Perhaps SS would take more notice of an official body like NSPCC than they did of you.

Chocolatedays · 14/01/2009 12:44

Good thinking Helena. Is anyone from MNHQ is looking in? They'll have contacts there - even if it's the ad people there may be a way to get through to exactly the right person double quick.

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 14/01/2009 13:12

I'd really appreciate that - I'm just back from the police station and not 100% thrilled with them either! according to the officer who took a statement from me, the under age sex was hearsay and it was extrememly unlikely that they would be able to persue it, although he was going to discuss with his senior officer. They would probably send a discreet officer around to speak to her mum (and I do feel terrible for her mum, I'd be absolutely furious if someone had gone to the police without seeing me first, but we will have different ideas about parenting different daughters IYSWIM, so although I am trying to put myself in her shoes, it's not 100% relevant, because we seem to be very different) but the officer will speak more about the internet underwear pics than the allegations of under age sex, although I guess talking about one kind of leads to a discussion about the other.

I see your point entirely seashells, yes, I can see them thinking she's possibly 14 or so. the whole situation is just making me very very sad, worried for Girl A and my DD, because she's been worried and very stressed out

anyway, i gave the police my contact details, with the proviso that they're confidentail. I think I will write to social services, but it'll be in a few days when I feel a little calmer about the situation and can (hopefully) gain some perspective.

OP posts:

MarmadukeScarlet · 14/01/2009 13:19

Oh, PS, how stressful this is all proving to be for you and your DD.

Good for you for not shrugging your shoulders and having a 'not my problem' attitude, your DD is be very lucky. I hope this reassures her that if she were ever in any trouble you would deal with it calmly and in an appropriate fashion.

Seashells one of the points is that the girls is not IN school, so she wouldn't be talking about school friends to these older men.

I speak as an adult who as a 14 yr old met my DH, he was 12 years older and DJing in a nightclub that my friends and I regularly went to. He knew I was a schoolgirl, but not how young I was because I lied.

Piffle · 14/01/2009 13:22

agree with Custy, social services or possibly police
It'll be so much easier (believe it or not) coming from officials than from you.
Plus it's a crime...

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 14/01/2009 13:51

My guess is that this girl is crying out for positive attention and wanting to feel loved. She feels like this is what she is getting from these older boys. When she is older and wiser she will feel very differently about this.

And even if she is not in school she will still have an immature attitude that will give away her age to be younger than what she is saying it is.

Marmaduke this is not about her being in a relationship with one guy. She is/has slept with his friends. They are taking advantage of her in a very bad way.

How well do you know this girl PS? Could you be able to give her some of the love and support she so clearly needs? Maybe have her over for dinner/sleepovers and let her know that you are there as a shoulder to cry on if she needs to talk? It will probably be an offer that is rejected but at least you will know that you have tried.

helena99 · 14/01/2009 14:01

This is getting ridiculous.
Can you go to your M.P. (as in Member of Parliament, not MorningPaper!). I know that they do not tend to do much until you have hit a brick wall after going through the 'proper process' but they can either:

a) accept SS and Police as proper process, or
b) tell you what proper process is.

The only problem is getting to surgery.

MarmadukeScarlet · 14/01/2009 14:22

Seashells, I was only camparing the situation in as much as I looked much older and lied about my age so my DH did not no my true age - he may, however, have suspected I was not as old as I said I was (16).

I think you are entirely right in your guess, I would say you are spot on - in light of her parents seraration etc. Pehaps it is also attention seeking/boundary hunting also - she is a child with, what seems to be, very flexible parenting (mine are poss more in line with PS') perhaps she is looking for someone else to 'take control' as it were. I think sometimes, some children are burdened with adulthood too early and to be so responsible for oneself at such a young age is a burden (imvho).

Heated · 14/01/2009 14:28

Am at your SS. NSPCC for advice? Then step back?

lessonlearned · 14/01/2009 14:29

This thread seems to have lost logical order but in response to the question of the order of appropriate contacts in safeguarding my understanding (as I have said in a previous posting) is that EXCEPT where it may harm the child, the person with parental responsibility is the first port of call. If it then seems that they are not honouring their responsibility by taking action to safeguard the child, contact SS with all available details including any agencies/orgs involved with the family.

CrushWithEyeliner · 14/01/2009 15:01

Been following this and I feel for you. SS reaction is utterly appalling. How difficult this must be for you to know what to do....

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