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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

12 year old girl (friend of DD) having sex - what to do?

137 replies

PersephoneSnape · 12/01/2009 09:52

Not quite sure what to do ? or how to handle this ? or whether to keep my nose out, so I really do appreciate any advice  And the person in question isn?t quite a teen, but is certainly acting likeone, so I?ve popped this in here.

My DD (13) is friends with a 12 year old girl (let?s call her girl A) who she met via mutual friends. Girl A is home schooled, so there isn?t an opportunity to talk to school about this (which would make things a bit easier for me) Girl A has brightly coloured hair, facial piercings, lots of make up - she?s tiny, but developing etc. She could easily pass for 16. I haven?t met girl As mum, but my DD does spend a fair amount of time at her house and sleeps over on occasion with some other girls. Until recently DD has been protective of her relationship with girl A and I have allowed her an amount of freedom that I deem appropriate, although she does occasionally try to stretch this. I?ve always thought that to put down my foot and be all ?you-can?t-see-girl-A she?s-a-bad-influence!? would just cement their friendship.

My DD has fallen out with Girl A over something silly and teenagey, and last night told me that Girl A has a 20+ year old bf ? a photographer (who my DD has met) photographer is friends with a band that he takes photos for and Girl A has slept with 2 boys from the band (both in their very late teens or early 20s) DD is absolutely disgusted and assures me that she finds this really awful and won?t be doing what Girl A does, just because girl A does it. DD is very sensible ? my main concern is girl A. Her parents have broken up very recently, she has had a hard time of it, but her reactions seem to be drinking, smoking and now, apparently having sex.

Should I talk to her mum, who?ve I haven?t met before (hi! I?m DDs mum, your daughter is having sex?), talk to the police, find the boys in the band on myspace (?) and tell them how old girl A is, or keep my nose well out. Would you like to know if your tear-a-way 12 year old was having sex? Or is it all talk/bragging and trying to look important and grown up ( Girl A can spin some amazing tales)

What would mumsnet do?

OP posts:

lessonlearned · 12/01/2009 23:52

Sorry meant to add "in the long term"

nappyaddict · 12/01/2009 23:56

I would ring NSPCC or SS for advice.

lessonlearned · 13/01/2009 00:08

I can't disagree with nappyaddict here. You wont go far wrong asking for advice.
As far as I'm concerned there are 3 agendas here. One is the safety and wellbeing of the child, the other is giving a strong and fair excample to your own child and the 3rd is nailing any potential abuser and stopping them from harming anyone else!
The first 2 are difficult but the 3rd is the hardest of all, and possibly the most important. It could be your child next.

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 13/01/2009 09:41

Didn't really get a chance to discuss it in detail with DD last night - I do agree she needs to know what i do (when i eventually decide what that actually is..) because although it is an adult conversation, and I have no wish to burden her with the agonising over what to do, she needs to know that people do act on information, especially if there is a child at risk and that child is vulnerable - she need sto see that the right thing is done. DD fell out with all of her little group of friends last night about this (telling me about the sex and telling one other person in her group about something else regarding girl A, who then went and told someone else and it all blew out of proportion) but DD was very upset last night, so i spent more time settling her down. I do see the point about betraying DDs trust, but she does accept that I will have to do something and agrees that girl A has been acting horribly to all of her friends - which could be part of the problem.

Can't do anything until the weekend anyway, If I'm going for the option of talking to the mum, as i don't have childcare for DSs's until then, although i might be able to leave work earlier on thursday to try and see mum of Girl A. so we have a few more days to mull it over.

I'm trying to not let appearences sway me - I'm covered in tattoos and have had my fair share of facial piercings and bizarre hair colours in my time. Girl A has an older sister who is lovely, looks relatively normal (...) is nice to her mum and dad etc - Girl A apparently is awful to her mum, shouting swearing etc, fairly uncontrollable. I'm still not sure what to do - i think i'm slightly veering towards talking to her mum first, because thats what I would want in the circumstances. If it's true Girl A needs protected and if it isn't, then she has to learn that you shouldn't tell lies about this sort of thing - in 10 years time I wouldn't want someone saying this sort of thing about DS1 - but I will have to talk to them in the future about little girls and the law.

Thank you very much ladies, for all of your suggestions so far. It is helping, I'm just not quite there yet.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 13/01/2009 09:51

To be honest Persephone, I don't think there is a decision to be made. Either a vunerable 12 yr old girl is having sex with adult men, or a confused child without parental boundaries is lying about having sex with adult men in order to gain attention.

Either way, other agencies need to be involved. Whether her parents know or not about the possible sex, they know about other aspects of her behaviour and are not able to support her appropriately.

What do you mean you can't do anything until the weekend? Please phone social services or NSPCC and ask their advice. They may already be aware of the family. This child's behaviour may be putting her at risk every day.

She's 12 years old, I am horrified that you are prevaricating in any way.

morningpaper · 13/01/2009 10:02

I think that if you are allowing your DD to stay at their house, then you really need some relationship with the mother/father REGARDLESS of anything else. I would ring them and meet with them pronto to discuss this.

stitch · 13/01/2009 10:08

i havent read the rest of the messages, as thread too long
what shocks me inthis message, isnt girl A. but the fact that you allow your 13 year old to sleep at someones house whom y ou have never even met.

as for the twelve year old. just tell your health visitor, or call the nspcc. they will, and should refer to the appropriate people,speak to her mom etc.

dittany · 13/01/2009 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 13/01/2009 10:27

just as well i have an extraordinarily thick skin, because i really don't accept that my parenting skills are up for discussion at all here. If all you are concerned about is that I let my daughter stay somewhere where I haven't met the parents, then you should maybe take a step back

I am a single parent with three school aged children, two Ds's are still at primary school. I work full time and I do not have any support whatsoever, nowhere to leave my sons while I try and intervene in this. I am not prevaricating, I am asking other people what they would do and coming to a reasonned, rather than snap decision, because whatever I do decide will have an effect on a lot of people. I'd prefer girl A to not be there if I decide that the correct course of action is to tell her mum before or as an alternative to contacting social services. To be honest, No, it's not a discussion that I am looking forwards to. I want to make sure that I have as many facts as there are (presuming there actually are any) before i start wading in and taking action that can't be taken back or swept aside.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 13/01/2009 10:31

P, surely you DD is at such a delicate age, where she is going to start experimenting with sex / drugs / alcohol - don't you feel uncomfortable letting her stay at someone's house when you haven't met that family?

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 13/01/2009 10:37

no, i don't. I trust my daughter. we obviously talk about these things. she isn't likely to cave into peer pressure regarding sex,drugs, alcohol etc. the fact that she told me about Girl A's 'secret' indicates, to me that we have a relationship where we can discuss these things and know each others expectations etc. She is fairly mature for her age, good sense of right/wrong etc.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 13/01/2009 10:46

I have a daughter the same age, and agree that knowing the mum well is a side issue. I have let dd stay at a friend's and just spoken to the parent on the phone, and at this age -especially when you can trust your child- I think that's sufficient. A bit older, and I might be checking up more thoroughly in case drinking and sex were on the cards, but I don't think a 12 year old's sleepover is likely to involve this, hence all our responses!

Hermit · 13/01/2009 10:55

Just ducking in at the end. If you contact social Services, it can be anonymous. Even if you give SS your name, you can ask that they don't tell the family who it was that reported a concern. Recently, after a great deal of thought, I phoned them to report my concerns about a young person known to me. I was really impressed by their advice, response and subsequesnt action. My concern about talking to the mother would be that you may not know what actually happens - can you be sure she will take some action - even if she says she will. And Girl A could continue at risk.

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 13/01/2009 11:06

argh. i was going to try and leave work early to see if i could catch Mum A in. I'm back to not knowing what to do again, because I can see both sides.

I'm going to step away from the thread for a while and try to do something, because while it's helping - it isn't as well.

I'll be back though

OP posts:

Chocolatedays · 13/01/2009 11:09

Hi P
What a nightmare scenario. For what its worth - I do think you have to act by either talking to the mother or direct to girl A. May be worth calling Childline or NSPCC (or maybe Social Services) and ask their advice on how to deal with it.

By the way I'd like to offer my support to you as a parent - I think other posters comments on your parenting choices are wholly inappropriate.

julienoshoes · 13/01/2009 11:11

PersephoneSnape
I now have a phone number of a designated person who works with some of the home ed community around these sorts of concerns

As a home educator I am confident this would be an appropriate place to take your concerns.
Please do email me on this link to our local home ed group [email protected] and I can send you the deatils if you want them

hth

dittany · 13/01/2009 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 13/01/2009 11:22

well to be fair... she only told you this AFTER she'd broken up with her friend. I'm sure that if my 13 year old was staying with a friend that I knew was drinking and smoking I would definitely want to meet the parents first - if only because I remember the bad things I did when I was 13!

slartibartfast · 13/01/2009 12:16

OP needs a thick skin to have her own relationships analysed here: that's just going to add to the pressure, but I suppose that's just how mn is. Actually, self-protection is a good starting point for deciding between telling A-mum and telling SS (I think police is just a slow way of reaching SS in this context) and maybe doing both.

What causes least grief to OP and DD? Is A likely to have told other friends who could have told SS? Or is the tennagey fallout likely to identify the source of information to SS? Is a brick-through-the-window, or worse, a danger?

Any potential threat argues for an anonymous SS tip-off, with all the problems of not knowing if and how SS have followed it up (Who would want a caseload of a dozen of these hard child-protection cases?).

Otoh, knowing that a group of kids/parents already know, would allow a smokescreen approach: tell SS then tell Amum that you know someone has told SS about it.

Then there's the 'brave' approach: "Sorry to confront you with bad news: your dd is bragging about sex with ... and for her protection SS have been told" or maybe " ... what are we going to do about it?"

Certainly talk directly to child-protection people like NSPCC for help: inevitably they're professionals and have to advise telling 'the authorities'. But none of us here are close enough to the situation to decide how best to do it, and certainly not to involve / protect OP dd.

nappyaddict · 13/01/2009 13:42

PS - have you ever spoken to the mum before? Do you think she will take appropiate action about it or brush it under the carpet and say she's probably making it up?

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 13/01/2009 16:59

julienoshoes - thank you very much for your help on all of this. I'm waiting to speak to a guy who deals with child welfare for a home ed organisation.

after speaking to my (not at all vindictive or vengeful!) DD I think i've decided to go down the route of social services. It's unfair to DD to give her a reputation of a bit of a snitch amongst her friends, although DD understands the reasons why I have to do something, her friends might not. Other friends know about this so an anonymous social services/LEA home ed person report doesn't point the finger at DD, it could be any other concerned mum.

Girl A has already been refered for some sort of 'therapy' (DDs term) apparently, but doesn't attend, so this might help.

I wish I could do the brave and direct thing, I do think it's what I would prefer, but I don't know mum A well enough to do that. I'll report back.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 13/01/2009 17:09

Actually, I think you are doing the brave and direct thing. Contacting social services is the right thing to do.

Well done. I know this has been a hard decision to make. Your dd sounds very mature and it sounds like you have a great relationship with her.

BitOfFun · 13/01/2009 17:38

AnyFucker · 13/01/2009 17:39

well done for coming to a decision

there was a lot of division on this thread and I feared it was making you freeze, and feel unable to do anything at all

anything you do I am sure is going to help, or at least you will know you have done what you could

let us know how you get on

Chocolatedays · 13/01/2009 18:56

Thinking of you. I think you are right to act (ran it past my dh and he said 'phone the police immediately!)

BTW I hope I have such a good relationship with my dd when she's 12/13

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