My teenager is making me ill

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This is awful, being a good mum is so important to me and I have catastrophically failed.
I am on my own with 2 DS, the eldest is 16, youngest is nearly 12. I have been on my own with them for 10 years. DS2 has AuDHD, but through lots of hard work and professional support, he is an amazing boy, we're close and get on really well.

DS1 is awful to be around. His mood changes quickly, he constantly berates me, calls me an idiot, stupid, useless, a terrible mum, fat, massive, failure. We have had a difficult time the last few years, we were made homeless from our rented home of 9 years, and I bought a house none of us want to live in, but we were desperate and needed to stay in the same county. I drive them to and from school which takes 1.5 hours out of my working day meaning I work in the evenings. I drive eldest to and from friends because he doesnt like getting the bus on the evenings. DS1 stopped spending time with his Father about 5 months ago, so every weekend is me ferrying him around. I went to dinner at a friend's house 40 minutes away last weekend and DS1 plans changed and he was no longer going out with friends for dinner, so he rang me and spent 30 minutes demanding I come home and cook him dinner. He constantly blames me for buying the house and puts me down over it. Our senior dog is a hound and barks when she sees people either excited because she knows them or territorial, it has gotten worse since we moved and I do appreciate it is annoying, but other than the barking she is a great dog who DS2 and I love. DS1 is obsessed with getting rid of her, he will hit her if she barks and tells me he wants her to die.

We argue everyday. Just now he shouted at me and called me useless because I didn't pick up his football kit. I am getting our house ready to sell so we can be nearer school and DS1 friends. DS1 doesnt want to move back to the village we lived in for nearly a decade as his friends aren't there, DS2 and I want to go back and just go home. But we will move nearer the school for DS1.

I have clearly gone very very wrong. He tells me no 16 yo should have to put up with moving. He tells me I should be moving us into the most expensive local area and "why can't we just move there". I have tried to be a good mum, I thought kindest would prevail. I went uni and did a masters to try make sure I could provide for us. I have done all this completely alone with no support. I am exhausted, my whole body is tense. Its like living with a bully. DS2 flinches around DS1 and neither of us know what to say to try and avoid conflict.

I honestly don't know what to do? DS1 tells me he has no respect for me and feels sorry for himself that he has a mother like me.

Exactly. The dog is the current focus. Your DS2 is next in line.

Rather than die or run away maybe you should, you know, parent him. Stop worrying if he likes you, stop running round after him and concentrating on shaping him into the sort of human being you want him to be.

Or if you really can't face that (and there clearly will be a lot of kickback) send him to live with his father.

Carrying on as you are just ruins 4 lives.

Why does his useless father get to just cop out?? Fuck that..don’t ask, TELL him that he’s on his way and will be living with his dad for the foreseeable.

This is truly an awful situation for you, your younger son, and the dog. I am surprised that children's services have not framed this as your younger son being at risk of physical violence, and therefore a potential victim of DA

Feeling shaky and not really here today. I had an event planned with you youngest last night so I held it together yesterday, and I think its all coming back to hit me today. My legs feel unsteady and I just feel shaky.

DS1 doesn't want to stay with his Dad for even one night, I told him repeatedly that I needed one night away from him, and I know thats a terrible thing to say, but I really need space, and because I can't get it I feel even more backed into a corner. His Dad was useless, completely dismissed me and blamed me. DS1 has gone for a couple of hours.

The dog obviously deserves to be in a home where she doesn't feel afraid. She deserves better than this. I am trying to figure out how I will approach this with DS2, I did think about lying and saying she is dead, but I dont think I can do that. I'm worried about the future of DS1 and DS2 relationship if I just tell the truth.

I am going to be much better at giving consequences and no second chances. I am going to staff placating DS1, I can see now he isn't my friend, and there needs to be a distance between us.

I am struggling to come to terms with all this. I don't know if I will ever feel the same about DS1 again.

You said he had to stay with his dad, he said no, and so he isn't. That's not consequences.

So the eldest son wins and gets his own way

again

You're completely right, but i don't know how to make him, he'll just come home. His Dad has also said that he's not forcing him to stay, he basically accused me of making all this up. I want time without DS1, but I don't know how to make him stay at his Dad's when his Dad is not interested.

So how is your son getting back from his dads? IF you are collecting him just dont.You do realise you are prioritising ds1s needs above everyone else. Only a matter of time before you have no relationship with ds2 How can you even think about giving your poor dog away because thats what ds1 wants? Sorry op but your posts make me cross You really need to take control here

You probably have no idea what life is like for OP so maybe try a little empathy? You need to walk in her shoes for a while.

For gods sake OP grow a backbone and put an end to this . You are losing your DS2 , the dog and your sanity by not dealing with this .

I actually do have an idea. Nothing is going to change here unless o p finds the courage to stand up to her bully of a son

You need to report his animal abuse to the police.

Of course, you absolutely must protect your dog, but please do not get rid of her. It's not fair to her or to you and DS2. And it would just show DS1 that violence is an effective way to get what he wants. He could easily ramp up the violence against his brother and you.

While “D”son1 is at his Dad’s pack all his clothes, drive back and leave on his Dad’s doorstep and if he arrives back at your house, don’t let him in.
He needs consequences for his disgraceful behaviour, so just do it, stand firm and tell him you’ve had enough and he’s not coming back.

So stop using that as the threat/consequence. It needs to be something you can actually do.

It’s absolutely NOT a terrible thing to say to ds1 that you need time away from him! Honestly you should’ve said a lot worse, that he is ruining your life with his behaviour and making you ill! He need to understand that he is treating you like shit and this has consequences! Tell him that he’s behaving like the lowest of the low, you will NOT be putting up with it anymore and if he continues you will change the locks and put him out on his ear. He will go to his dad’s whether he likes it or not. Sounds like this young man needs some proper old fashioned tough love, he’s going to ruin other lives in future and I worry from your posts that the stress has already done damage to your health, he’s awful to ds2, and hurting a poor animal.

Don’t let him in! Report him to the police. Call social services. Call a domestic abuse helpline.

i know it’s hard because you’ve been worn down by all this but you must try to be less passive.

And if your son is already home tonight, then don’t let him in tomorrow and contact all the above people tomorrow.

You’re letting your other son down hugely. Both him and you need to be free of your abusive son, and so does your poor dog. Imagine a life where your son is at his dad’s/in accommodation elsewhere. How peaceful it will be for you, and what a relief for your other son.

Would you expect a wife abused by her husband to feel she had to stay ‘because he’s her husband’? No. It’s the same for you. You do NOT have to put up with this abuse and house this abuser just because he’s your son. More than that, you have a duty to your other son to protect him from this abuser.

If you don’t, you’ll end up losing them both.

What a desperate situation to be in. OP, please, please, please tell him enough is enough, if not for your own sake then for your younger son.

I feel really sad for you, this isn’t how you wanted things to turn out.

I actually think this is a lad crying out for boundaries. When he says horrible things about you as a mum, he is poking at the weakest spot, your fears about not being a good mum. It’s like when they are tiny and they act like they want to decide everything themselves, but actually if we gave them what they want they’d be totally overwhelmed.

He really needs you to help save himself from himself. As others have said, he needs leadership from you. That’s hard when you don’t see yourself that way. But he’s still a kid really, and totally lost. And you’re so ground down, poor thing, it’s hard to go against the grain. But you can do this. Pps abpve have given you great ideas of what you could say. Decide which thing/s you really need him to stop doing the most (the dog? The disrespectful speech?) and decide what consequences you will give in advance. It has to be things you are ok with. Like I couldn’t advocate kicking him out. But spell out to him, you do x, you get y. And just follow through. I bet he will kick off but ultimately start to respect you more.