My teenager is making me ill

[StaffDesktop]

This is awful, being a good mum is so important to me and I have catastrophically failed.
I am on my own with 2 DS, the eldest is 16, youngest is nearly 12. I have been on my own with them for 10 years. DS2 has AuDHD, but through lots of hard work and professional support, he is an amazing boy, we're close and get on really well.

DS1 is awful to be around. His mood changes quickly, he constantly berates me, calls me an idiot, stupid, useless, a terrible mum, fat, massive, failure. We have had a difficult time the last few years, we were made homeless from our rented home of 9 years, and I bought a house none of us want to live in, but we were desperate and needed to stay in the same county. I drive them to and from school which takes 1.5 hours out of my working day meaning I work in the evenings. I drive eldest to and from friends because he doesnt like getting the bus on the evenings. DS1 stopped spending time with his Father about 5 months ago, so every weekend is me ferrying him around. I went to dinner at a friend's house 40 minutes away last weekend and DS1 plans changed and he was no longer going out with friends for dinner, so he rang me and spent 30 minutes demanding I come home and cook him dinner. He constantly blames me for buying the house and puts me down over it. Our senior dog is a hound and barks when she sees people either excited because she knows them or territorial, it has gotten worse since we moved and I do appreciate it is annoying, but other than the barking she is a great dog who DS2 and I love. DS1 is obsessed with getting rid of her, he will hit her if she barks and tells me he wants her to die.

We argue everyday. Just now he shouted at me and called me useless because I didn't pick up his football kit. I am getting our house ready to sell so we can be nearer school and DS1 friends. DS1 doesnt want to move back to the village we lived in for nearly a decade as his friends aren't there, DS2 and I want to go back and just go home. But we will move nearer the school for DS1.

I have clearly gone very very wrong. He tells me no 16 yo should have to put up with moving. He tells me I should be moving us into the most expensive local area and "why can't we just move there". I have tried to be a good mum, I thought kindest would prevail. I went uni and did a masters to try make sure I could provide for us. I have done all this completely alone with no support. I am exhausted, my whole body is tense. Its like living with a bully. DS2 flinches around DS1 and neither of us know what to say to try and avoid conflict.

I honestly don't know what to do? DS1 tells me he has no respect for me and feels sorry for himself that he has a mother like me.

If he hit my dog I would hit him right back. He sounds like a cunt. Get him out of your home at the earliest possible stage before he hurts you or your other child.

OP, I think so much of this is wrapped up in your own lack of self-esteem and sense of worth. Look at what you implied in your second-to-last post - that your 16yo son is justified in thinking that you’re a ‘loser’ because you don’t smoke or drink and don’t have a boyfriend? That is a terribly unkind, misogynistic attitude to have towards yourself.

You seem to have given your son so much power over you. I know once young men hit the mid-teens and you’re no longer physically bigger and stronger than them, parenting can become much more difficult - but you still have financial control in your household, and have a big say in how comfortable his life is. Make that comfort contingent on a reasonable standard of behaviour. Stop paying for his phone, stop giving him lifts (apart from to school), and tell him clearly that if he ever becomes physically aggressive you will call the police and have him arrested. If he speaks abusively to you at home, walk away. If he harangues you on the phone for 30 minutes, hang up! It will feel very hard to do and say these things initially, but it will get easier each time, and you can tell yourself - truthfully - that it is unequivocally for his own good.

If he wants a lift he asks politely. He is capable of taking the bus just doesn't like it from the sound of things. Making a teenager have a safe but uncomfortable consequence for poor behaviour is very reasonable.

Im so sorry your son is abusive to you and the poor dog.
You are not a "loser" and no one deserves to be abused like that.
Hes 16yrs old and old enough for a full and frank discussion about his unacceptable behaviour.
Sit him down and lay down some house rules/boundaries for him ,no unkind name calling, no hurting the dog. Tel him you will not ferry him around if he is disrespectful.
Tell him if he really believes the awful things he says about and to you ,you will ask if he can move to his fathers.
He need therapy because teenager who hurt animals have greater issues than being a rude teen.....

I think sometimes building your whole life around the children can set them up to just see you as there to support their needs and wants and not a separate person.

You’re doing too much. He can get a bus for 30 mins to school, so you don’t have to work late. He’s old enough to be able to make his own food if you’re out. Move to somewhere that you want to move as he’ll soon be old enough to move out on his own anyway. Your dog is being abused so not surprising they’re barking, I’d consider rehoming to protect the dog or make it very clear to DS1 that if he hits the dog there will be serious consequences.

It’s good to set up these boundaries from the beginning, but it’s not too late. Enabling this to continue is going to do nothing to help your relationship and nothing to help him become an independent decent person.

He doesn't like the bus ride? Tell him to walk then. No way I would engage in that bs.

You’ve got to teach him how to treat you. No lifts. Every time he speaks badly to him, do nothing for him for the rest of the day. If that means he has to walk to school / home, unfortunate. Mean it. He will soon learn when he’s in isolation for being late. And if he does it in the car, you can stop and tell him to get out. See what a big man he feels then. If he refuses, you can tell him this will be the last lift you give him. If that means not being able to get to football, unfortunate.

As for phoning you ordering you to do something when you’re not home, a phone has an off button and silent mode. And the dog should be a big thing. I would be concerned he may decide to chuck your dog out of the house when you’re not there, he sounds that out of control.

Lower your tone so you are super calm and speak slowly, looking him right in the eye and tell him he stops or he is out. He's 16 and old enough to not act like a total prick.

Did you talk to him @StaffDesktop

What you describe is an abusive young man. And if he behaves like this to you, his mother, then he will behave like this with partners and children.

He sounds utterly unpleasant. How long has this been going on for?

People that hurt animals as children / teens have been shown to have a much greater propensity to commit violent crimes as adults

This young man needs therapy

There’s no boundaries here OP. I have a 16 year old son. It doesn’t have to be the way it is.

He is abusive. Expect violence with your boundaries and then ring the police. I would mean business. Involve services, make some noise,

What is he like at school?

He does well in School, his exam results were As and Bs. I've never had any discussions with the school beyond parents eveings where a couple of the teachers have said he could focus more. He has struggled with friends in recent years, he had a group of him and 2 others since primary school, but after we moved, even though he stayed at the same school, they drifted and now don't talk at all and he struggled with that. He has friends now, but I get the feeling he has to try and fit in. I think he's quite a lonely person. I think he carries a lot of shame, we never had friends over even when we lived in the village.

I have tried speaking to him In parts. I helped him write a CV a couple of nights ago and it was fine until he began talking about the dog again (absolutely nothing had happened, dog was asleep downstairs), and he did say he wants her to die and was going to give her rat poison (I absolutely don't believe he will do that). This morning was bad again, he said hes had no childhood, I'm a bad mum, I'm crazy (because I suggested a 2 bedroom place), selfish and that I'm doing nothing to help us move.

The constant pressue and criticism is really impacting me, my whole body hurts. I just don't know who to contact for help? I offered DS1 private therapy this morning and he said no. I could contact the GP, but I won't see one for weeks and I honestly don't know what they could do..

He’s doing a levels now?

Tell him you’ve had enough and he’s to go and live with his dad . In this house if he hurt the dog his ass would be out that door as quick as anything .

He's doing Highers, were in Scotland

I can't be the only one that would tell him where the door is and that he can leave if he wants?
He is abusing you and your poor dog.
Not long before he starts on the 12 y/o and possibly either smashes up your house or hits you (maybe both)
For your own safty, call the police if he kicks off 😫

His Dad lives a 50 minute drive away, he couldn't stay at his school, and I already feel I've really let him down. I haven't really told anyone.

I Will definitely call the police if he is violent with me. He has hit his little brother, but I won't let that happen again. He sees himself totally separate to me and his brother (we get on very well and are alike), I feel like I try and compensate because I don't want him to feel left out, I want him to feel listened to and cared for, but even though I try he genuinely belives I don't. A couple of days ago he started saying I'd never give him lunch and withheld food, that is absolutely not true, of course he had lunch, but when he was little we'd spend a lot of time outside and I'd have a bag of snacks and sandwiches and we'd graze. Now he'll get cooked lunch and dinner and now he's sees that as further evidence I failed. I can't believe this is how its turned out.

He sounds terrifying and abusive
I honestly pity his first girlfriend

He's had a first girlfriend who was absolutely lovely, but he dumped her twice, and a big part of that was because she wasnt in with this new group of friends. He did talk about her starting to be awkward around him, but maybe she felt uncomfortable? If I ever heard him speaking badly to anyone I would stand my ground. It just seems to be at home.

Well then I am right to pity her

and you
and your poor younger son

your eldest is almost an adult and behaving like a terrifying abusive man. This will spiral in to violence I suspect and almost certainly if he starts drinking.

In your shoes, quit with the guilt. Instead…. Quite simple, “you carry on like this, I will be packing up your stuff and dropping them off with your dad. And you can live with him. I am
not feeling afraid in my own home and you, DS, are making me feel afraid”

and for goodness sakes - mean it

I would contact school and ask for a meeting to see what support can be offered.

i would also calmly tell him he is to use the bus for school. No lifts for someone so abusive.
and calmly point out that at age 18 he is going to have to move out if he cannot speak with respect. So where you move to is irrelevant for him as he will not be there. Choose where is best for you and ds2.