My teenager is making me ill

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This is awful, being a good mum is so important to me and I have catastrophically failed.
I am on my own with 2 DS, the eldest is 16, youngest is nearly 12. I have been on my own with them for 10 years. DS2 has AuDHD, but through lots of hard work and professional support, he is an amazing boy, we're close and get on really well.

DS1 is awful to be around. His mood changes quickly, he constantly berates me, calls me an idiot, stupid, useless, a terrible mum, fat, massive, failure. We have had a difficult time the last few years, we were made homeless from our rented home of 9 years, and I bought a house none of us want to live in, but we were desperate and needed to stay in the same county. I drive them to and from school which takes 1.5 hours out of my working day meaning I work in the evenings. I drive eldest to and from friends because he doesnt like getting the bus on the evenings. DS1 stopped spending time with his Father about 5 months ago, so every weekend is me ferrying him around. I went to dinner at a friend's house 40 minutes away last weekend and DS1 plans changed and he was no longer going out with friends for dinner, so he rang me and spent 30 minutes demanding I come home and cook him dinner. He constantly blames me for buying the house and puts me down over it. Our senior dog is a hound and barks when she sees people either excited because she knows them or territorial, it has gotten worse since we moved and I do appreciate it is annoying, but other than the barking she is a great dog who DS2 and I love. DS1 is obsessed with getting rid of her, he will hit her if she barks and tells me he wants her to die.

We argue everyday. Just now he shouted at me and called me useless because I didn't pick up his football kit. I am getting our house ready to sell so we can be nearer school and DS1 friends. DS1 doesnt want to move back to the village we lived in for nearly a decade as his friends aren't there, DS2 and I want to go back and just go home. But we will move nearer the school for DS1.

I have clearly gone very very wrong. He tells me no 16 yo should have to put up with moving. He tells me I should be moving us into the most expensive local area and "why can't we just move there". I have tried to be a good mum, I thought kindest would prevail. I went uni and did a masters to try make sure I could provide for us. I have done all this completely alone with no support. I am exhausted, my whole body is tense. Its like living with a bully. DS2 flinches around DS1 and neither of us know what to say to try and avoid conflict.

I honestly don't know what to do? DS1 tells me he has no respect for me and feels sorry for himself that he has a mother like me.

Honestly he sounds horrific and I think he could be a very dangerous person. Here’s what you need to do in my opinion.

1. get help from your GP. Tell them how unwell you are, ask them for meds that can help (maybe some HRT?! No idea obviously but from your posts you maybe need this) and maybe even see if you can get signed off work for a period of time, even a week to get things together. Say that you are unwell due to your son.
2. pack Ds1 a bag and drop him at his dads, or get the dad to collect him. He has shown you and your other son and your dog that he couldn’t care less, so he needs to see there are consequences.
3. get yourself some private therapy, though work if possible. You need to build up your self esteem. You are far from a loser, you sound like an amazing mum in a horrible situation.

Also, its tough if he can’t stay at his school, he should’ve thought of that before making you and your other son live in fear, making you unwell. There may be some bus routes or something that he could use. No longer your problem. I wouldn’t honestly do this because he is ruining your life and I think you could either get seriously hurt by him (or the dog will) or could become very ill due to this abuse.

Thank you to everyone that has commented. Sorry to resurrect the thread; I spoke to the school, DS1 guidance teacher spoke to him (he actually described his behaviour as psychotic to DS1?), DS1 was very annoyed at me for doing it, but he eventually actually apologised and shed some tears, so for 12 hours things were better. But then last night he was shouting and swearing and broke a door handle over a PlayStation game. He told DS1 to come off his game and repeatedly called me a "stupid silly woman" to shup up, get out and get lost. I took me, DS2 and the dog out for a couple of hours, when we got home DS1 was in a better mood. Emotional whiplash.

I think I need to rehouse the dog. DS1 continues to try and hurt her when she barks, and even when he was in a better mood last night he wound her up and leant on her. It feels like I am opening my eyes to how cruel this is. I am worried I may never fully forgive DS1 for his behaviour. The dog has been my best friend for 7 years. I have a call with our vet tomorrow to discuss, I don't really know what I'm asking, but I just want some professional advice.

I am constantly on edge, I feel so anxious and stressed. I feel like this is stealing time from me enjoying DS2.

Today the school said there is nothing else they can do because DS1 doesnt demonstrate bad behaviour in school. They said CAHMS will be around 4 year wait so pointless, they said to contact GP, but to reiterate that the school can't do anything.

I haven't spoken to DS1 dad, I'm scared he Will tell me he's not going to do anything, at least whilst I haven't spoken to him that door isn't completely shut.

I don't want to die, but I wish I could get ill enough to be in hospital for a period so I could catch my breath.

Do not move house because of DS1! He will be oit of his secondaty school very soon and you and DS2 end up being stuck somewhere yoi didn't choose.
Does he know that with his behaviour as it is he has to move out as soon as his Highers are over?

You can’t rehome your dog. She’s old and will likely die of a broken heart in a rescue centre. And she’s your friend, she’s important to you. And you’re important. Your the glue in your family.

It’s important to get your ds’s behaviour under control or actual medical intervention if he needs it. Your ds is very much over the age of criminality. You should sit him down and talk consequences. If he hurts your dog, you will call the police on him. And mean it.

Please speak to his dad. You’ll be in no worse position than you are right now if he says no.

The fact he can behave at school and not speak yo adults like he does you suggests it is a choice.

i woudl pack his bags and insist he spends time with his Dad. Until he can treat you with respect and the home he is not to return, If you regime the dog, at his wish - by hurting the dog, repeatedly berating you then what is he going to control you with next?

if he can’t access school from his Dad that is the first kesson he will have to learn - actions have consequences!

Previous post nails it. He is choosing to behave like he does with you, because he can and he thinks it will get him what he wants. If you haven't read it, before you do anything read lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? about abusive men. Please don't cave into your son's demands about the dog or anything else. You are just teaching him that abusive behaviour can get him what he wants. He knows it is unacceptable and won't work at school so he chooses not to do it there.

I've told his Dad, he said he doesn't think there is anything he can do, I asked him to take DS1 for a couple of days next week, he said he will have to talk to DS1. I have phoned children and families and asked for advice, they are calling me on Monday.

I was 10 minutes late collecting him from school because a work call ran over and "you're a stupid fat piece of crap" "you should never have become a mum" "no kids should ever have to have you as a mum"

I'm worried my only option is to run away or die

You are making this worse for yourself by being at his beck and call. You’re seriously considering getting rid of your dog and moving to somewhere you don’t want to live, because you won’t put boundaries up with your child.

The correct response to him talking to you like crap is ‘get out of my car. Make your own way home’.

I don’t even understand why you are still collecting him from school? There’s a bus.

If you won’t be there for yourself, then this isn’t going to improve. You’re actually enabling him to treat you like crap by not putting boundaries up. And in the long run, you’re doing a lot of damage to both your dc in the process.

I know how to handle this as I speak from experience with my child. My dd has spoken to me far far worse than this. You need to turn this around from a position of being controlled to one, where as the parent and adult, you are in charge of your household and how your children speak to you.

I drive eldest to and from friends because he doesnt like getting the bus on the evenings. DS1 stopped spending time with his Father about 5 months ago, so every weekend is me ferrying him around. I went to dinner at a friend's house 40 minutes away last weekend and DS1 plans changed and he was no longer going out with friends for dinner, so he rang me and spent 30 minutes demanding I come home and cook him dinner.

You’ve raised a spoiled brat and now sadly the chickens are coming home to roost.

This is the result of ‘gentle’ parenting however well intentioned.

You need to urgently stand your ground and stop pandering to his ridiculous demands. No lifts, meals or laundry until he shows you respect.

I doubt this will happen though, I expect it will be a referral to CAMHS and eventually benefits. Sigh

So sorry he has continued to speak to you like this.

Can you write a record of all this comments - if his Dad will see the evidence and support you. Obviously don’t if it upsets you.

Him staying with his Dad is what is now needed. Not an option. To give you the break you need. Also, to show a united front that he cannot speak to anyone like that.
It is important your younger child does not copy him or think it is ok.

It is his choice to treat you appallingly.

1. Take him to his dad’s immediately or his dad picks him up.
2. Stop collecting him from school. Use the bus, when he treats you with respect that privilege may return.

You can also call the Policw yourself. Once. Child is aged 16, verbal abuse and threats that make you unsafe is a crime,

Or you can also call for help the Domestic Abuse Helpline as this is legally what you are facing. 0808 2000 247

He needs to have consequences. Maybe you should have suggested he walked home in that case? I would have refused to pick him up from school until he was nicer to me.

Why on earth are you still giving him lifts? Why does he have his playstation? Remove it while he's at school, and call the police if he abuses you or your poor younger son or dog again.

I don't mean to sound harsh, he sounds very frightening, but it's not going to get better if you keep giving in to him.

It's a shame you live in Scotland because a crack across the arse would do him wonders.

Why are you tolerating this shit? Fuck his football kit, he'd be washing it himself until he learnt some respect. Phone would be gone, I'd take a hammer to the thing. He can have another one when he gets a job and pays for it himself.

No food outside of meals, all the nice snacks you get for him would be gone. He'd get no consideration, no pocket money, no liftsno luxuries. Just basic clothes from Asda, 3 meals a day and nothing non essential until he learnt to speak to me with some fucking respect.

He's going to continue to treat you like this for as long as you let him.

You feel like your only options are to "run away or die" but that's not true. You have the option to actually parent him. And that means tough love.

I feel for you, but realistically the only reason he's like this is because you choose to allow it. Your avoidance of conflict seems to be a theme (didn't speak to his dad in case you got told no) but it's what is creating the conflict.

Children NEED solid boundaries to understand their place in the world, to grow and develop into successful adults. Teenagers are biologically designed to push them, and it's our job as parents to hold them firm because that's what they need.

Your son is pushing so hard because there are no boundaries. He doesn't know where the line is because you haven't set one.

Now, when it's absolutely imperative for both your sons, you, and the dog, that you set them and hold them, you're saying your only options are to run away or die.

No. Your option is to parent. To be the parent he NEEDS means not being the parent he thinks he wants.

Is he going to push back? Yes. Is he going to rant and rave? Probably. So what?

He's the child, you're the adult. Let him tantrum.

From today - a lift to school and back. If he is abusive or rude, you pull over, he's walking. No lifts ANYWHERE other than school until he learns.

Dog goes nowhere. He hurts the dog, consequence.

And he's going to his dad's for half term, end of.

This is your defining moment as a parent. You haven't failed yet. If you don't step up now, then you will have. You need to stop focusing on being liked and placating him, and focus on raising a decent human being.

I'd start by looking him straight in the eye and telling him if he hates me that much to pack a bag. Now.

And stop chauffeuring his ungrateful backside.

You wouldn't give a lift to anyone else who spoke to you like that, so you don't do it for him. I'd sit there for hours before I'd move that car with him still in it. Hell, I'd get out and walk home myself.

Agreed

Drop him off at his dads for the foreseeable/ indefinitely. Don’t ask his dad for permission. He can deal with him for a while- sounds like he’s been happy to mostly leave you to it so don’t feel bad about that. The two of them can work out how to get to school or change schools.

It sounds like your eldest is out of control and building up to worse. You don’t want to be stuck living like this for several more years until he can afford to move out. That will then see DS2 through to 18 and not fair on him.

For the sake of your younger son, yourself, your dog and even for your eldest this is the right thing to do. It will be hard.

Doesn’t mean you have to have no contact but make it very clear to dad and son that is his primary residence for the next couple of years minimum.

Pack a bag and take him to his dad’s. Tell them both he is no longer welcome at home. Change the locks. Dad will have to sort something out for school, this is no longer your problem.

You need to protect your younger DS, your dog and yourself. You need to be firm about this. Enough is enough.

I think I need to rehouse the dog. DS1 continues to try and hurt her when she barks, and even when he was in a better mood last night he wound her up and leant on her. It feels like I am opening my eyes to how cruel this is. I am worried I may never fully forgive DS1 for his behaviour. The dog has been my best friend for 7 years. I have a call with our vet tomorrow to discuss, I don't really know what I'm asking, but I just want some professional advice

No, do not rehome your dog! Firstly, it’s cruel, and secondly, why the hell should your abuser win? Yes, your son is an abuser. It’s him you need to ‘rehome’. You cannot have him in your house. You, your other son and the poor dog are walking on eggshells.

Your abusive son sees every bit of kindness you show him as a sign of weakness. As you can well see, you’re not making him love you or even like you. The answer for all of you, including your son, is to get him out of your house. Get him to his dad’s for a bit, then refuse to have him back. He can stay with his dad or go into a room somewhere.

When he’s out and you’re safe, I’d consider writing him a letter detailing everything you’ve done for him and the crap he’s given you back. I feel upset for you, but also angry. Your son needs taking down about 50 pegs, abusive little shite.

He is potentially dangerous. I wouldn’t drive him to his dad’s, I’d get his dad to collect him. Don’t tell his dad you don’t want him back until he’s safely there and out of your house.

Nothing you do for your son will ever be enough. You and your other son deserve a life free of this abuse, and a life where you can heal.

His dad doesn't get a choice. It's about time he did some fucking parenting. Pack him a bag and drop him off.

Exactly this. Your son needs to get the hell away from your other son, you and your poor dog. Grow a backbone. What kind of man will he be?!

You need to take some action . Pack his bag and drive his sorry ass to his dad’s . Tip him out the car and don’t look back . Your life begins now .

This. You need to start protecting your younger child. DS1 is now a domestic abuser and animal abuser. Maybe point that out to him?
I only ever disrespected my DM once, she marched upstairs, packed a suitcase with my stuff, flung it into the garden and demanded an apology or I would be following it outside...

You really need to be tough and firm, possibly too late..??....Yesterday I heard a 4 year old, walking past my house, he was screaming at the mum...you are stupid and lazy...go back to the shop and get my sweets....!!...If I had spoken to my parents like that.....it would have had severe consequences....

Your son is abusing you and your poor dog. Drop him off at his dads.

If anyone hurt my dog itd be the last thing they did. Ring the police on him, tell them the abuse and let him be arrested.