My teenager is making me ill

[StaffDesktop]

This is awful, being a good mum is so important to me and I have catastrophically failed.
I am on my own with 2 DS, the eldest is 16, youngest is nearly 12. I have been on my own with them for 10 years. DS2 has AuDHD, but through lots of hard work and professional support, he is an amazing boy, we're close and get on really well.

DS1 is awful to be around. His mood changes quickly, he constantly berates me, calls me an idiot, stupid, useless, a terrible mum, fat, massive, failure. We have had a difficult time the last few years, we were made homeless from our rented home of 9 years, and I bought a house none of us want to live in, but we were desperate and needed to stay in the same county. I drive them to and from school which takes 1.5 hours out of my working day meaning I work in the evenings. I drive eldest to and from friends because he doesnt like getting the bus on the evenings. DS1 stopped spending time with his Father about 5 months ago, so every weekend is me ferrying him around. I went to dinner at a friend's house 40 minutes away last weekend and DS1 plans changed and he was no longer going out with friends for dinner, so he rang me and spent 30 minutes demanding I come home and cook him dinner. He constantly blames me for buying the house and puts me down over it. Our senior dog is a hound and barks when she sees people either excited because she knows them or territorial, it has gotten worse since we moved and I do appreciate it is annoying, but other than the barking she is a great dog who DS2 and I love. DS1 is obsessed with getting rid of her, he will hit her if she barks and tells me he wants her to die.

We argue everyday. Just now he shouted at me and called me useless because I didn't pick up his football kit. I am getting our house ready to sell so we can be nearer school and DS1 friends. DS1 doesnt want to move back to the village we lived in for nearly a decade as his friends aren't there, DS2 and I want to go back and just go home. But we will move nearer the school for DS1.

I have clearly gone very very wrong. He tells me no 16 yo should have to put up with moving. He tells me I should be moving us into the most expensive local area and "why can't we just move there". I have tried to be a good mum, I thought kindest would prevail. I went uni and did a masters to try make sure I could provide for us. I have done all this completely alone with no support. I am exhausted, my whole body is tense. Its like living with a bully. DS2 flinches around DS1 and neither of us know what to say to try and avoid conflict.

I honestly don't know what to do? DS1 tells me he has no respect for me and feels sorry for himself that he has a mother like me.

Kick him out. Fuck around and find out time. Through no fault of your own, he sounds like an absolute gobshite. Let's see how he likes life out in the real world, especially given he can't even handle catching a bus. Do not be bullied by any man.

Think about your relationship with your younger son, as this reminds me of the situation between my mum and sister when I was younger. Sister was abusice, my mum spent years trying to appease her. Mum worried sister felt left out so would go out of her way to include her and let her lead. Mum stressed she’d lose the relationship with her. She never considered me in this, I was just meant to put up with it all. I’ve not seen either of them for nearly three years.

Do not get rid of the dog. Make DS1 homeless. You, DS2 and your dog will be happier for it. Don’t let DS1 control the narrative further.

Could you sit him down to talk, acknowledge he doesn’t seem happy with you and suggest he stays with his Dad for a bit? See if that makes him realise what he’s got? If he doesn’t want to set out the expectations.

The consequence of you not giving him consequences and boundaries is that he treats you terribly and will continue to do so because he can. Truth is he is probably unhappy and doesn’t like behaving that way towards you but doesn’t know how he should be behaving cause you arent showing him how to.

You need to pull your self together for ds2 and dog. Don’t rehome the dog. He needs to go to his Dads for half terms give everyone a break. His Dads got to step up.

you also have to stop feeling guilty and like you owe him anything. If he says that in the car, tell him to get out and get the bus.

@Azandme Yes!! That’s the strategy I took with my ds and his challenging behaviour. He is now a respectful young man in his 20s - he recently phoned me up to complain and be shocked by some of his younger colleagues behaviour, their entitled/flakey/lazy ways. I grinned quietly to myself!

This isn't your first thread is it.

Without me searching, wasn't there one about the dog, then one about where you live and you really really really wanted to move to so and so but unfortunately that property went quickly before you could do much about it.

Parent your son, stop allowing him to be in charge legally he is still a child ! he can leave home in 2 years - sooner if he was of the type to join the forces !
you have to consider your younger son who needs you so much ! and the dog too !!!

Have private messaged you.

Thank you. I spoke to his Dad, he said he doesn't believe me, he said he and DS1 are close? (DS1 doesnt want to spend any time there and hasn't slept over for 5/6 months) and he has never seen behaviours I'm describing. He won't have him for anymore than a couple of hours on Sunday. DS1 lied to him.

I spoke to children and families, they have said I can access systemic family support, they are calling me back next week.

I spoke to my dogs vet; she said that rehoming is the best thing to do, that the dog is very stressed so from a welfare point the best thing is to give her a home without someone pushing/hitting/dropping things on her. The vet said that if she can't be rehomed the next option to consider is euthanasia. She said training will be incredibly difficult because she is stressed, and stress stays in a dog's body for days. I haven't mentioned this to anyone yet. I took her on a 2 hour walk.

My youngest cried when I asked him if he was okay after the incident today and said he wished the fighting would stop but its everyday, and he remembered when DS1 and I used to love each other.

Thank you for the messages giving me a kick up the arse. I need it, I so easily relinquish control and I'm so worried about DS1s threats not to talk to me again. I will absolutely be stronger with consequences, I should have absolutely taken away his PlayStation the other day. I don't need to care what he thinks, hes absolutely convinced I'm a terrible mother who should never had had children, and like another poster said, it hasn't made him like or respect me at all..

My heart is breaking for you reading this @StaffDesktop . He is torturing you, DS2 and the dog. Please drop him off at his dads as you clearly need a break if you are to survive this.

Move to the place you want ro
live in and if he doesn’t like it he will move out which sounds as if it’ll do you a favour.

He sounds like a jerk who needs a firm hand. Is there a male relative who can talk to him?

He won't have him for anymore than a couple of hours on Sunday. DS1 lied to him

So? Don’t let others dictate to you. Seriously, once he’s at his dad’s, just don’t have him back. Once he’s out of your house, don’t let him back in. His abuse of you, his brother and your poor dog is disgusting. Even if you get support, there’s no guarantee it will work, and even if it does, that will take some time, and your health will suffer.

You deserve better than this. Your son needs to be elsewhere while he sorts himself out. I think if you let him stay with you, he’ll just be ‘good’ for a very short period, then fall back into his abusive behaviour. This is serious. If you refuse to take him back, it might get him more help, and it might be the shake up he needs.

Surely your dog will settle once his abuser is gone? It might take time but he’ll feel safe.

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP, your dysfunctional upbringing means you were never taught healthy boundaries or ways of relating.
have you had / are having therapy? Sounds really really important that you get some support xx

So his dad will have him on Sundays? That’s great. You drop him at his dad’s and tell him since he berates you for being an awful mother, he can stay with his dad. Tell his dad he needs to parent his son, and you are not prepared to have him back. His dad can bloody well step up and parent him. 50 mins away from college, so what? Many kids will have an hour or more to and from college, dd and her friends have a 75 mins bus journey in the morning and similar in the evening. Living further away from his friends is probably a good thing as it’s quite possible a crappy friendship group = crappy behaviour. A bit of a shock is what he needs and I dare say his dad will see exactly what his son his like.
Be strong OP, show your son you’re not putting up with his rude, aggressive and obnoxious behaviour any more. Your dog and ds2 can relish being free from your abusive son for a while.

And if you get rid of the dog ( which I actually think is the wrong thing for you to do) what will be his next issue? Will he then start kicking and hitting DS2 everytime he sighs or speaks?

yeah, pack him up and dump him at his dad’s. The reason he hates it there is because his dad probably doesn’t take his shit like you do.

Grow up and be a mum, teach him actions have consequences and show DS2 that you are actually going to protect him. Stop with the hand wringing.

I don’t think the poor dog should be re-homed or euthanised, you should either sort your arsehole of a son out or kick him out.
I can’t believe what I’m reading here…

Don't rehome the dog. That isn't fair to her at all. And it would change absolutely nothing with your son, I'm almost certain. The dog is just a convenient scapegoat at the moment. If she were gone, he would find something else to complain about and blame you for.

Obviously, your son needs help. But if he won't accept any help, there is little you can do. It sounds as though he is furious at the world and jealous about the relationship you and your younger son have. Is there any truth to the idea that you have favoured DS2?

I absolutely wouldn't put up with his language and demands. I would stop ferrying him about everywhere and I'd stop cooking for him (though of course make food available). I'd make it very clear that the next time he hurt the dog would be his last day in the house. He can live with his dad. Enough is enough.

Something that stood out to me was 30 minutes of him demanding you come home. I wouldn't stand for that, I'd just be putting the phone down. At 16, he can pick up his own football kit, he also needs to be sorting his own transport out. He may not respect you because you are too much of a pushover. It shouldn't be that way, at 16 he should be appreciating kindness rather than taking advantage of it.
I do feel for him, he's recently stopped seeing his dad and it sounds like you prefer his youngest brother and have poured everything in to the youngest. But there is a balance to be had, you can show love and kindness and maintain boundaries that teach him to have respect at the same time.

stress stays in a dog’s body for days

Imagine how stressed the poor lamb would be stuck in kennels, feeling confused and abandoned. This isn’t the answer. Parenting your 16 year old is. And would you really consider putting her down, because you won’t stand up to him?

Yes, this is awful but you really need to protect your dog and other son. And of course, you.

Easier said than done I know as my kids are occasionally bullying to me too.

You're not alone.

You may think you’re giving good advice, but you’ve managed to do it in a tone that is probably quite reminiscent of the way her abusive son is speaking to her.

I’m not sure why people are telling you not to rehome your dog, I think your dog is in a dangerous position and I can tell you love her. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, I wonder if you might contact domestic violence charities, they sometimes have resources for rehoming animals in situations that are dangerous to them. Sending you a big hug, I can imagine this must be so hard for you.

I so easily relinquish control and I'm so worried about DS1s threats not to talk to me again. @StaffDesktop

At the same time you want to run away or for him to stay at his dad's. Honestly, he's been doing you a favour if he didn't speak to you.

The reality is that pandering to him to keep the possibility of a potential future good relationship is making you, your ds2 and your beloved dog ill.

I'm concerned that with the dog gone, his attention turns to his brother (or OP).
Keep the dog, re-home the boy. If he thinks his mum is that terrible, it's worth an hours commute to get out if there surely 🤷‍♀️

The most likely outcome of doing nothing is that both your boys will distance themselves from you as adults. DS1, because you put no boundaries in place. DS2, because you’re prioritising DS1.

The most likely outcome ont of now putting boundaries in place is that your DS1 will be confused, upset, push back, then finally accept. During that time, he may stop speaking to you. And that’s ok. It’s something you need to do for everyone’s benefit and the long term future with your kids.