My teenager is making me ill

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This is awful, being a good mum is so important to me and I have catastrophically failed.
I am on my own with 2 DS, the eldest is 16, youngest is nearly 12. I have been on my own with them for 10 years. DS2 has AuDHD, but through lots of hard work and professional support, he is an amazing boy, we're close and get on really well.

DS1 is awful to be around. His mood changes quickly, he constantly berates me, calls me an idiot, stupid, useless, a terrible mum, fat, massive, failure. We have had a difficult time the last few years, we were made homeless from our rented home of 9 years, and I bought a house none of us want to live in, but we were desperate and needed to stay in the same county. I drive them to and from school which takes 1.5 hours out of my working day meaning I work in the evenings. I drive eldest to and from friends because he doesnt like getting the bus on the evenings. DS1 stopped spending time with his Father about 5 months ago, so every weekend is me ferrying him around. I went to dinner at a friend's house 40 minutes away last weekend and DS1 plans changed and he was no longer going out with friends for dinner, so he rang me and spent 30 minutes demanding I come home and cook him dinner. He constantly blames me for buying the house and puts me down over it. Our senior dog is a hound and barks when she sees people either excited because she knows them or territorial, it has gotten worse since we moved and I do appreciate it is annoying, but other than the barking she is a great dog who DS2 and I love. DS1 is obsessed with getting rid of her, he will hit her if she barks and tells me he wants her to die.

We argue everyday. Just now he shouted at me and called me useless because I didn't pick up his football kit. I am getting our house ready to sell so we can be nearer school and DS1 friends. DS1 doesnt want to move back to the village we lived in for nearly a decade as his friends aren't there, DS2 and I want to go back and just go home. But we will move nearer the school for DS1.

I have clearly gone very very wrong. He tells me no 16 yo should have to put up with moving. He tells me I should be moving us into the most expensive local area and "why can't we just move there". I have tried to be a good mum, I thought kindest would prevail. I went uni and did a masters to try make sure I could provide for us. I have done all this completely alone with no support. I am exhausted, my whole body is tense. Its like living with a bully. DS2 flinches around DS1 and neither of us know what to say to try and avoid conflict.

I honestly don't know what to do? DS1 tells me he has no respect for me and feels sorry for himself that he has a mother like me.

Honestly, you should move to the place that you want to live in. He won't be living with you anyway in a couple of years and it costs a fortune to move house.

He's being really horrible to you - no wonder you're so upset. Give him the bus fare rather than taking him anywhere now - he's old enough to travel on his own. Can you speak to his dad about it or is he just like him?

This sounds really hard. You seem to be doing a great job as a Mum. What is his Dad like? Do you have any family to support you in managing him?

You sound like all you do is run around after him? Where are the boundaries?

Being a good mum doesn’t mean becoming a complete martyr 🤷‍♀️

When he’s rude to you what are the consequences?

Why did he stop spending time with his father? He sounds very angry.

Thank you. Honestly, I don't really give him consequences, we just have a argue or I just stay silent. Sometimes I won't pick him up from a friends. I don't really know what consequences I can give him that he would actually 'allow', for example taking away a device, he would just grab it from me.

His dad hasn't expressed any curiosity about why DS1 has stopped seeing him except for a couple of hours every 3/4 weeks, he has just accepted that DS1 wants to be with his friends. His Dad has stopped with anh chores and has largely left him alone. His Dad lives 45 minutes away and is married and they dont have any children, he goes on holiday 4/5 times a year without telling me, our lives couldn't be any different. I don't think his Dad will be supportive at all. I am estranged from my family as they were unsafe and/or uninterested but its taken a long time to put boundaries in.

We live in Scotland so the boys get free bus travel, but DS1 doesnt like the 20/30 minute journey home.

My whole body aches and I'm working full time, I'm getting headaches, struggling with sleep, feel perpetually sad. DS1 doesnt get into trouble at school, it just feels its all on me to absorb.

Why doesn't he have respect for you? You aren't his skivvy and don't need to drop everything and run him around everywhere. I don't understand how that becomes an argument.

DC 'Mum, I am not going out now, you need to come home and cook for me'
You 'Oh, sorry to hear your plans have fallen through. You know I am out and won't be cooking tonight, but there is pasta in the pantry and a jar of pesto. I should be home by 11. See you then!'
DC 'No, you have to cook for me'
You 'As I said, I am out. Eat or don't eat, up to you. Love you, see you later.'

What sort of father figure does he have, and what is he like at school?

I absolutely agree. I have tried several times to get him help, I've managed to get him on a waiting list but he then refused. I've offered to pay for private therapy and he doesn't want it.

He said he isn't interested in going to his Dad's because he doesn't like it there. He says he feels like its going to visit two people who don't know him.

DS2 has a different Dad, hence I haven't been in a relationship since. I've tried twice. If DS1 just needed boy time or even time away from me he could go to his Dad's. In the weeks before he stopped seeing his Dad I was collecting him after 1 night, he'd be on the phone to me telling me he missed me and just wanted to come home. DS1 played football for years and his Dad wouldn't take him, so I would drive 45 minutes to collect DS1, then drive him to wherever his game was.

I feel broken now. A lot of this is my fault, I've done everything for them and DS1 sees me as dirt.

You feel like you're being bullied because you are being bullied. He is kicking out against you because you are his safe place. Don't move somewhere that suits you less for a kid who will be 18.and off in a trice

That sounds horrid OP.

Consequence: not giving him a lift, or changing the internet password.

Please remember to contact the police if he becomes physically aggressive xx

I’m sure you’ve posted about this before OP? Especially about his anger over the house move.

Stop ferrying him around. Stop feeling bad about how life has turned out and start getting tough with him! You admit you don’t give him any consequences, what’s his incentive to change?!

Sometimes kids can be like this if their dad abandoned them (I don't know if he did, don't think you said), and it's very unfair on the parent left, but it happens a lot more than people say. Would counselling help, so he realises it's not your fault, and not his. Sometimes kids blame themselves, but take it out on the parent who stayed. Something about the words you say he uses makes me worry this situation sounds similar to people I know. I hope you and he get teh care and support you need.

This is awful to read OP. You sound like an absolutely lovely mum and your son's behaviour is atrocious. I'm not sure what the answer is but didn't want to read and run.

How awful for you. Hitting the family dog is beyond the pale, I’d literally be kicking him out over that and the bullying.

I think a big sit down chat over how none of you can stand his aggressive behaviour any more is in order. As the PP said call the police if he’s aggressive, he needs a short sharp massive shock.

He doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself. If you start showing him that you are worth something - by putting yourself first for a change - he might start to realise he can’t bully you anymore.

You’ve got to stand up to him. Start making him get the bus. Stop giving him lifts everywhere.

If he’s giving you a barrage of abuse walk away. “I don’t have to listen to this” then walk away, don’t argue, just draw a rock solid boundary and stick with it no matter how awful he is.

And yes, if he escalates then I wouldn’t hesitate to call the police - you have to show him that you are worth respect.

he is a bully

when are you going to stand up to him and say no?

Oh OP, this sounds so hard. DS1 has a lot to process (unless dad, house move etc) and you are the safe space he can let out on. That doesn’t make it any more bearable though.

Does your employer have an EAP program you could utilise? I know you are short on time, but having someone to brainstorm solutions with might help. You absolutely need support with putting boundaries in place with DS1 and unpacking your family dynamic in general, and someone who specialises in this area could be a lifeline. Otherwise your GP might be able to advise if you are eligible for sessions.

My other thought is wondering if DS1 is also ND. His behaviour is exactly like my AUHD 8 year old when he’s under pressure/strugging, especially with change. Not sure how you’d get a diagnosis at this point, but looking at info on parenting explosive ND teens might help. My brother was exactly like this as a teen (he was just horrible) but was a very easy kid before that. Take heart that he grew up a lovely adult!

Tou are doing really well and have got so much right in tough circumstances. Keep making time for yourself as much as you and get all the support from professionals that you can drum up.

I remember your other threads. Is the hitting the dog new? I know the dog does have significant behavioural issues that are unpleasant for him to have to live with but that isn’t acceptable.

Have you tried any suggestions from the other threads and if so can you give us a brief idea of what so that we can try to offer something new/helpful?

Could your DS1 be ND? Some of what you say sounds like he could be? Obviously that doesn’t excuse all of his behaviours though.

I understand you struggle with consequences like taking his phone away if he can be angry and intimidating. Can you start with consequences like not picking up his clothes = his washing doesn’t get done, or not rushing home to cook his dinner = he has to cook himself or he goes hungry?

Does he have any positive male role models in his life?

Would he do something like boxing to channel his energy?

Would he get a job volunteering somewhere, to give him some self esteem back?

I’m guessing you’re used to men abusing you and that’s why you accept it from your ds?

You need to stop trying to keep him happy as it’s obviously not working. Just say no to him, no more lifts, no more putting up with his disrespectful attitude.

Hes bullying you and you are acting like a victim.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I had two dog trainers for 3 sessions to help with the dog, both said she is a great dog, she's a hound so her go to is barking, I am a push over and need to be more assertive. There has been an improvement, but DS1 remains adamant that I need to get rid of her, and continues to make things worse by punishing her through pushing or grabbing, which is making her more anxious. DS1 says I am not keeping him safe by keeping her, although barking is the most aggression she has ever shown and is not aggression based. I will continue to try and make improvements with the dog, I really don't want to rehome her, DS2 absolutely adores her too and would be distraught.

DS1 believes (really believes) that i am a bad mother. He doesn't want to hear anything I say. To my detriment I have built my life around the boys, I have a few friends and we go for walks or have dinner, I dont smoke, take drugs, drink, I dont spend money on myself, I work full time to provide. I dont have boyfriends (writing this i can see why he thinks I'm a loser).

Is there anyone I can contact for practical Input or help? I just tried to talk to him and he just keeps saying that my behaviour is mental. Its awful, but I wish he would go and live with his Dad.

He stopped seeing his Dad as much and completely stopped spending the night there about 5 months ago, he said he doesnt like it there and wanted to be nearer friends (although he stays in more than he goes out anyway). He said his Dad and his wife felt like strangers. He has never ever spoken to his Dad the way he speaks to me.

Part of me just wants to run away now.

He's 16. Stop doing everything for him. He's taking you for a mug, you're allowing it, and that makes him further disrespect you.

You need to break this cycle.

I'd sit him down and say-

I've come to realise you are treating me like an abusive partner would. I wouldnt accept this from a partner and I won't accept it from you any longer. These are the things i'm no longer going to put up with. ( give him 2 things ). If you can't manage this I am going to arrange for you to go and stay with your Dad. I will give you one strike, then youre out.

Stick by it.

Its not too late.

But you need to show yourself some respect if you want him to show you some respect.

Hitting the dog would boil my fucking blood. Get angry and set some boundaries NOW.

Thank you, thats good advice . I grew up in a house with an angry man who was physical and its like my body is remembering, I notice that sometimes I dont even breath properly. But that comes with guilt because obviously that's not my sons fault and I think it makes me prone to exaggeration, or I at least question myself and tell myself things aren't that bad and I think thats why I overstep my own boundaries, I dont really always know what my own boundaries are but I feel it all in my body.

Even reading my posts js embarrassing and feels very woo is me. Thank you for baring with me.

Pick your one boundary then, which feels most important to you, then insist he doesnt cross it. It might be the dog, maybe name calling, whatever. Tell him you will no longer accept this, then stick with it. One strike and hes out. I'd have an overnight bag packed for him and be prepared to drive him to his Dads. I think you need this for yourself and he needs it for him. You sound like you have no experience sticking up for yourself so you might have to fake feeling strong but you can do it. Then tackle another problem another time. You can do this!