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Teenagers

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Teen refusing to attend school and concerns about fines or court

55 replies

OnePeachBiscuit · 18/09/2026 12:32

Hi all, does anyone have any experience of their teen not going to school and facing fines / court ? I tried everything with school to get him in. He just wont go. He's so smart, isnt being bullied, has friends. I offered the option of me home schooling him for math and english but he wont even pick up a pen.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2026 17:21

Do you think there could be any undiagnosed SEN? My dd was diagnosed AuDHD in year 13. I took her out of her former very large school at the beginning of year 9 as she was close to school refusal. Not the first time btw.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 18/09/2026 18:41

I'd want to explore what "school don't care" means. What's going on here? I work in a school and teenagers don't tend to randomly decide they're not going to school ime.

Would exploring the option of a school move be helpful?

WhyIsThereGlitterEverywhere · 19/09/2026 09:09

This sounds like EBSA and there is a lot of information online about it. I would treat this as a MH issue.

usererror99 · 19/09/2026 09:24

Well I’d remove the x box and the skateboard - surely that’s the obvious answer?

Halfandhalf26 · 19/09/2026 09:50

usererror99 · 19/09/2026 09:24

Well I’d remove the x box and the skateboard - surely that’s the obvious answer?

No its not. When its a mental health issue. You're not meant to take their things away.

Jewelcake · 19/09/2026 09:58

i feel for you. This is so hard. We have just been through this in year 11. The pressure for GSCEs is immense, even if the school are supportive this will be an internal pressure that he is failing/ not doing well enough/ not as clever as everyone else. We had had some build up however escalated massively in year 11. It will be EBSA. Don’t take everything away, he will be beating himself up already, small steps to try and get him to say how he feels.

Mapodes · 19/09/2026 11:02

This sounds really hard. Was it a sudden change or gradual?
I’m trying to think what would happen if I hated work so much I could no longer bring myself to go in and then started getting punished at home. I think it would make everything even more miserable and compound things.

Would he speak to a MH professional? Can you afford one?

LlynTegid · 19/09/2026 11:05

Agree with the no xBox. I do think there is something you are not being told.

maggisimpson · 19/09/2026 11:09

usererror99 · 19/09/2026 09:24

Well I’d remove the x box and the skateboard - surely that’s the obvious answer?

No, the obvious answer to a young person who is really struggling with something isn't punishment or trying to make their safe space at home as uncomfortable as possible. Not sure where people get these ideas from.

CherryBlossom321 · 19/09/2026 11:23

I took all of my DD’s devices away. Didn’t allow any treats etc. It did nothing at all to improve the situation or increase her attendance. In fact her attendance continued to drop.

It was the school environment at her particular school that was the problem. She scraped through her GCSE’s and then couldn’t manage college. Part way through that academic year, she decided to do some re sits to achieve better grades on higher papers. We registered her as a private candidate which wasn’t cheap, but ended up being worth every penny. She self studied, and smashed them!

Having had time to recover from her experiences (which she didn’t tell me about at the time very sadly), she is now attending an excellent sixth form with 100% attendance so far, and applying for uni.

Sometimes it’s a shitty environment. The only thing I would do differently now is NOT try and make home uncomfortable for her. It was a terrible approach.

tokennamechange · 19/09/2026 12:28

maggisimpson · 19/09/2026 11:09

No, the obvious answer to a young person who is really struggling with something isn't punishment or trying to make their safe space at home as uncomfortable as possible. Not sure where people get these ideas from.

but he might not be struggling with something! OP said he engages with friends, is active (goes out skateboarding) etc. He hasn't given her any hint he is struggling with something and the school don't seem to know either. Losing interest in things he likes would be the most obvious form of depression - he isn't doing that. Not wanting to go outside might hint towards being bullied or involved in something like county lines - but he's okay going out skateboarding.

He might just not want to go to school. Lots of kids don't! And if there are no consequences why would he? The fact that he won't even engage with minimal homeschooling could point to him trying to flex his muscles or just being lazy.

Making not going less easy for him, even if just for a few days, might show which it is. You don't have to take everything away permanently but the fact he's still been allowed his x-box is ridiculous! Of course he's not going to want to go to school if he can just play on that all day.

She could even give it back out of school hours, but it's hardly being ridiculously cruel to take away stuff he wouldn't normally have access to during the daytime anyway!

Mapodes · 19/09/2026 12:37

Lots of kids don’t want to go to school and go, this is true. He is not a little kid. He is old enough and smart enough to realise the implications of not going to school, yet is still refusing. I don’t think making his life worse at home is going to help matters.

Mapodes · 19/09/2026 12:39

I’d also try to understand more about the school don’t care comments.

Tessgirl · 19/09/2026 12:54

He’s struggling greatly with something. Don’t punish him by taking his stuff away- this is really awful advice. Get him an illness code on the reg (mental health counts) to cover the absence. It may take time for him to open up to you but something is absolutely going on here. Treat him with the upmost love, kindness, patience and respect rather than a naughty and difficult teen

Halfandhalf26 · 19/09/2026 12:56

tokennamechange · 19/09/2026 12:28

but he might not be struggling with something! OP said he engages with friends, is active (goes out skateboarding) etc. He hasn't given her any hint he is struggling with something and the school don't seem to know either. Losing interest in things he likes would be the most obvious form of depression - he isn't doing that. Not wanting to go outside might hint towards being bullied or involved in something like county lines - but he's okay going out skateboarding.

He might just not want to go to school. Lots of kids don't! And if there are no consequences why would he? The fact that he won't even engage with minimal homeschooling could point to him trying to flex his muscles or just being lazy.

Making not going less easy for him, even if just for a few days, might show which it is. You don't have to take everything away permanently but the fact he's still been allowed his x-box is ridiculous! Of course he's not going to want to go to school if he can just play on that all day.

She could even give it back out of school hours, but it's hardly being ridiculously cruel to take away stuff he wouldn't normally have access to during the daytime anyway!

Edited

I kind of get what your saying. But I'm not sure if its worth the risk. I mean maybe it can work if its done similar to how you suggest it may give some clues.

With the mental health side of things my dd wasn't a school refuser attendance did go down though. She was still seeing friends now and then playing games on her etc but she was still struggling mentally because off school. She still had suicidal thoughts she was still self harming. If I took her stuff away that isolates her. And i definitely wouldn't take her phone because that stops her calling CAMHS crises line.

With my son he was a school refuser it gos quite deep with DS. But he was going out skating. Had friends he would chat with etc . But he still tried to kill himself.

I know what your saying though its not actually known if its mental health but is it worth the risk of assuming not. But also if its not the the child is getting away with it.

tokennamechange · 19/09/2026 13:28

Mapodes · 19/09/2026 12:37

Lots of kids don’t want to go to school and go, this is true. He is not a little kid. He is old enough and smart enough to realise the implications of not going to school, yet is still refusing. I don’t think making his life worse at home is going to help matters.

"old enough and smart enough"
Really?
You've never met him, you don't have a clue what he's like. Lots of countries (Scotland included) treat under 25s differently in terms of sentencing guidelines etc because it's recognised that brains aren't fully developed until then. I don't necessarily agree with that personally, but it's a fact that, no matter how smart they are, most 16 year olds have very minimal life experience.

I don't think he could really grasp the concept of how not going to school might impact him long term, not just in terms of his education but long term impact on mental health, friendships, etc.

It's easy to think 'I don't need it I can just do my a levels later' without realising how many college courses have been cut, or how he might feel being 5 years older than all the other students, or being bright but being taught in a group of people for whom English is their third or fourth language, or who have failed their exams multiple times already because they struggle with learning, and having to go at their pace.

Or 'I don't need qualifications to be a professional x box live streamer or influencer' without realising how few people make enough money from those platforms to live on.

Or 'I'll still have my mates anyway,' without realising how quickly people grow apart when his friends go off to uni or go travelling on the money they are earning from working, when nobody will hire him because he doesn't even have GCSEs.

He's never paid bills. He's never lived away from his family. He's never had a job. How on earth can he "know" the way his choices might impact him ten or twenty years down the line, most adults don't!

PrettyTiger · 19/09/2026 13:28

I don’t think the school dont care comment is as deep as people are making out, my son would often say school dont care if he’s there or not, there was no deep meaning behind it, he just literally meant that school would continue whether he was there or not, children would still go in and teachers would still be there, school didnt rely on him being there to continue, it doesnt mean it’s some hidden message 😕

TeenToTwenties · 19/09/2026 14:46

Won't or Can't ?

My DD missed all y11 as she never returned after covid struck in y10. Counselling and antidepressants helped but it was/is a long long road.

Mapodes · 19/09/2026 15:09

@tokennamechangeI agree he won’t understand the full implications. What I mean is it’s probably a lot more complex than thinking oh, home is more fun, I’m not going to go in.

maggisimpson · 19/09/2026 16:38

tokennamechange · 19/09/2026 12:28

but he might not be struggling with something! OP said he engages with friends, is active (goes out skateboarding) etc. He hasn't given her any hint he is struggling with something and the school don't seem to know either. Losing interest in things he likes would be the most obvious form of depression - he isn't doing that. Not wanting to go outside might hint towards being bullied or involved in something like county lines - but he's okay going out skateboarding.

He might just not want to go to school. Lots of kids don't! And if there are no consequences why would he? The fact that he won't even engage with minimal homeschooling could point to him trying to flex his muscles or just being lazy.

Making not going less easy for him, even if just for a few days, might show which it is. You don't have to take everything away permanently but the fact he's still been allowed his x-box is ridiculous! Of course he's not going to want to go to school if he can just play on that all day.

She could even give it back out of school hours, but it's hardly being ridiculously cruel to take away stuff he wouldn't normally have access to during the daytime anyway!

Edited

A 16 year old, about to take GCSEs, who has always had no problem attending school, doesn't just suddenly decide not to go any more for no reason.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 19/09/2026 20:37

I'm not sure "make home shit" is a great idea. If this behaviour is truly out of character, then something is going on and currently home is a safe place he feels ok enough in. It might not be obvious like bullying, but he is clearly anxious or has something going on here, normally kids dont just give up in year 11 after perfect attendance for 10 school years - he ia nearly an adult, how would you treat an adult who was feeling hopeless and saw no point in life and no future. I think you need to keep an open dialogue - does he see friends? Have any friends asked about him? Is he interested in life? What does he enjoy? What does he want to do (short or long term)? If he has lost interest in things he normally enjoys or is feeling like he life is hopeless, he could well be depressed. If you can get him to the GP or for some counselling then that would be a good first step. There are online schools if he can't go the physical building, but it sounds like he's lost the feeling of having a future/lost the point in learning or doing anything? I think the GP and some therapy would be my first point of call, alongside some very open discussions about how he pictures life in a couple of years (e.g. if he wants an apprenticeship then he needs maths and english). Or even what thing can get him up and out to do anything this weekend.
My experience (via a friend) was that she kept calling school each morning to confirm he had tried to come in but couldn't, and kept turning up for school meetings etc, and as a result it didn't qualify for fines (no idea what they classed it as) but their child missed basically a whole year with no fine because each morning he couldn't come in, rather than just being "off" for a while.

velomumhackney · 19/09/2026 20:40

surely the fines are the least of your concerns.

if there were no fines what would your game plan be? do you intend to financially support him deep into adulthood?

tokennamechange · 20/09/2026 01:10

maggisimpson · 19/09/2026 16:38

A 16 year old, about to take GCSEs, who has always had no problem attending school, doesn't just suddenly decide not to go any more for no reason.

but it doesn't have to be a great reason. It could just be 'can't be bothered' or 'argument with my mate,' or 'School is boring, I'd rather be at home playing xbox' etc. School refusal rates have more than doubled in the last 5 years to 22% - more than a fifth of all pupils. They aren't all severely depressed or being terribly bullied.

I tried to stop going to school when I was 14 or so because I just didn't like it. I was also a bright student, with friends, who had previously enjoyed school up until secondary. If my parents had let me get away with it I would have absolutely just stayed at home instead.

Xanhi · 20/09/2026 08:50

Staying off school used to be quite boring and isolating. You couldn't communicate with your friends at all. Once you had re-watched the 3 movies gathering dust in the cupboard, finished your book and learnt how to make a lasagne from daytime tv, you were more than ready to go back.

Nowadays people have addictive entertainment available 24/7. Gaming is incredibly addictive. Online content is addictive. Online porn is is addictive. Communicating on social media is addictive. It is all designed to be addictive. It is hard for school or work to compete with that.

There are likely to be mental health issues involved as well but if every school refuser was at home drinking, people would be focusing on the drinking and solving the issues behind that in order to help get them back into school.

BeLovingPoster · 20/09/2026 16:11

Sorry to hear this, I understand how stressful this is, I have recently been through similar with my child. I cant believe some of the suggestions, such as taking away all devices, and turning off the heating when it's cold, this does not work, and as home is his safe place, why make homelife so miserable. He could then start running away. I would take him to the GP, it is unlikely he has just started to decide to sod school. School kept saying my daughter was fine in school, and that it must be a home problem, and were threatening with fines. She was suffering with Autistic burnout after years of masking, and recieved a diagnosis this week. After months of not being at school, she has returned this term . I hope things improve.

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