Teen refusing to attend school and concerns about fines or court

[OnePeachBiscuit]

Hi all, does anyone have any experience of their teen not going to school and facing fines / court ? I tried everything with school to get him in. He just wont go. He's so smart, isnt being bullied, has friends. I offered the option of me home schooling him for math and english but he wont even pick up a pen.

I'm afraid you have to make life at home less comfortable. What does he do all day? Maybe start by turning off the wifi and confiscating his tech during school hours.

Do ye ever have relaxed chats about it, as in out of the blue, him in the back seat of the car or the two of you talking about something else? Home school is a huge jump unless you’ve been thinking of it before. Keep talking to the school, ask him what he wants out of life, why he feels it’s hard to go into school etc. I will tell you no matter what his mh is the most important thing- my son had a year of school refusing on and off, sometimes with him so miserable we had to keep watch in case he tried anything. All that matters in the very end is happy and healthy. That’s literally it. In the meantime we got him happier with life- board games, trips shopping with bribes of treats, he’d help me bake. It was like back to toddler parenting. Very very tough when you’re juggling work and the school sending letters although they would agree that we were ringing and emailing all the time. In Ireland so lucky with no fines but they could have referred us to ss

How old is he?

He's just turned 16 he should be in year 11. never missed a day before year 10. I've taken his phone away many times and switched off the internet nothing gets him back. I've asked what the barrier is. He says school dont care or I dont know.

daily chats. he says school dont care but they do. they've been very supportive, offering a reduced timetable, only come in for the things you like. All priviledges removed, no phone all that but as you say I worry something else is going on. I just need to get him thorough whatever this is.

He sleeps, plays xbox and goes skateboarding. thats it.

Remove his xbox and skateboard as next step, until he opens up about what is going on.

100% turn the WiFi off and take his phone away so that he isn’t just sat at home doing what he wants instead

Yeh I’d suggest the doctor in case there’s more going on but if he refuses then there’s not much you can do with that. I would remove all hobbies though - no phone, Xbox, I think I’d probably go as far as TV. also discuss with your local college if there’s anything they can offer - sometimes kids from year 10 upwards can go to college

You have to make your home so boring. No gadgets tv books games at all. Basic lunch provided no treats. You carry on with your normal life. And a good one is winter is coming switch off that heating during school.hours Give him a hot water bottle. It has to be torture to sit home all day doing nothing.

I’m in Scotland and I know it’s different here. In England it’s still possible to leave school at 16 for college or apprenticeship? My 15 year old was told to leave school - he was hardly ever turning up and school had enough of him. He was lucky to get a last minute place at college on a certificate course. I was really concerned, I didn’t think that would be the answer but it made a massive difference to him and he had great attendance! He felt much more respected and the environment was less controlling. Another 2 years at college and he got his HND. He transferred to 3rd year at Uni and graduated with a degree age 19.

What other changes are you seeing (or existing issues). For example, appetite, sleep, personal hygiene. Start a diary. Does he see his friends? What is your best hunch? What does he say he wants to do longer term? Was this a falling off a cliff change in behaviour or gradual? Can you go on a drive with him somewhere, sometimes that’s a safe space to chat.. what does your instinct say do you feel any neuro divergence issues at play or anxiety, depression or is this presentation in response to an event at school that he won’t disclose?? I’m sorry you are going through this at such a critical point in his education. I hope he feels better soon.

If you think it’s mental health related then I’d be careful about all the advice telling you to switch everything off. It made the situation 100 times worse for us with self harming etc.
all the mental health charities advised us not to do this as you’re taking away their lifeline to their friends and mental health support lines.
Camhs also advised against it when we finally got in front of them. Which Only took 2 years 🙄

I had a teenager who refused he was 15. There was alot going in though it was complicated. But I ended up deregistering him for home education which also never happened.

Also my dd whos 16 really struggled in year 10 and 11. The pressure was awful. After school master classes. More home work at home. Punishments if they accidently get something wrong. I have only touched on it there was a lot. Dd became very stressed self harming suicidal due to all the pressure. I had to step in and make some adjustments refuse certain things etc.

I'm not saying this is your ds I'm just saying year 10 and 11 can be alot of pressure.

All of this. I assume you removed his phone and any screens eg xbox, tablet, pc etc a long time ago?
No more access to any of those things. And tbh id probably take the power cable out of the computer /console/tv and take them to work with me.
School would soon start looking like the more fun place to be

Why is he still allowed the xbox when he isnt attending school.
The xbox and skateboard both need to be earned for the weekend with school attending monday to friday

Yes exactly the same as my ds i got ripped apart oh here for not taking ds stuff away. But yeah its actually the opposite to the standard advice of take their phone etc. I think it can be hard for people to understand when it's the opposite to whats seen as normal. I hope your child has got the support 💐

Take his phone away, remove his Xbox and turn off the WiFi

Depending on his birth month, is he allowed to work? What are his plans? If he won’t go to school, he must get work and contribute to the household costs.

Saying the school don't care suggests there is something to care about

Totally agree. Something is going on.

If it is MH related, taking devices away may make it worse. It can make the child feel so isolated from their friends and unable to vent/communicate, and shut them off from you even further.

Maybe see if he’s willing to do a GP appointment?

@OnePeachBiscuit

This happened to us many many years ago and the DSs in question are now fine members of society. In our case the "truancy officer" would visit and on occasions haul the DC off to school. [Humiliation was not seen as a bad thing in those days].

Failing to send child to school can still result in a prison sentence though to be honest this is very rare as long as the parents are involved and interact with the school. I would certainly want a firm meeting with headteacher in presence of DS to get an agreement on both sides.

https://www.madeformums.com/news/twenty-five-parents-jailed-for-childrens-truancy/

"It is said" that a friend at the time with similar problems came down for breakfast with a suitcase kissed DCs with weeping and wailing and was seen no more for some days - actually on 2 weeks holiday.

I would be checking his phone for bullying etc something must have happened

But what is your gut telling you? Is he lazy or is he depressed? Can you get him an apprenticeship instead? Does he feel like the world is just too shit to bother? He can find inspiration and purpose still. Just pull him out of school and do something else with him.

If he is saying that school don't care then that would suggest there is an issue that school haven't addressed and I imagine it's can't because the issue prevents it rather than won't. Dd had EBSA I didn't remove anything and once CAMHS were on board they agreed that nothing should be removed and dd shouldn't be expected to push through her feelings. She did go back to school and had only 2 days off because of illness in the following three years but she went back to a school where the environment suited her better.