Struggling to let go of my 18 year old daughter going out

[AmusedLemonFatball]

I’m really struggling letting go with my 18 year old daughter.

I feel sick at the thought of her going with lads etc, she started going out most weekends and not coming home until 4-5am. I absolutely hate it. I feel really overprotective of her and I don’t know why. I had her at 16 and so I know I can’t say anything but I’m really really struggling. She wasn’t one to really go out and drink etc growing up, she wasn’t always busy with her horses etc but lately they have taken a back burner. She’s made a new friend who I’m not to keen on but obviously I can’t say anything. I think the girl lies alot, is very very focused on lads and is allowed to do anything.

dd works but is going to university next year and I’m worried she will throw it away.

I think I just have really bad anxiety :(

Can we swap? My teen never goes out ever - I am so worried about him.

It’s the lack of control and fear of what might happen to your precious child. I bloody hate it. I’m finding this an extremely testing time in parenting too.
i think it just has to happen though…. It’s as inevitable as childbirth when you are pregnant. Letting them go is the only way to birth an adult. Big hug 🤗.

Going out every weekend and not coming home until 4-5am sounds extreme to me. I don't know anyone who does or did this regularly at any age.

There is so much to unpick. Like is she at college or not ? How often is this happening ? Where? Only you can answer these and gauge what is ok. So my child when at college was expected home generally by midnight and we usually gave lifts. Now as a working adult she’ll go out at weekends and tends again to be home by midnight. Very very rarely like if a special club night for a birthday might be home early hours. The key is it’s not so often to be affecting her life negatively. Also happy with safety around where she is and who with.
so try to unpick what it is worrying you

She’s an adult. She can go clubbing and ‘go with lads’ as much as she likes.

She’s about to go to university and she has a job. When she’s at uni there’s going be a lot of 4am finishes and very likely plenty of ‘going with lads’ too, and it’s better that it isn’t a colossal culture shock for her.

Going out every weekend and not coming home until 4-5am sounds extreme to me. I don't know anyone who does or did this regularly at any age.

@DeftGoldHedgehogYou might not know anyone who does this but that doesn’t mean it’s abnormal for a young adult to go out clubbing once a week. My (lovely, clever, responsible) nephew is working before he goes to university and he is absolutely out with friends until the early hours of the morning pretty much every Saturday night. During the week he plays football and goes to the gym most nights but Saturday night is his big night out. It’s not unusual.

Yes I went clubbing once or twice a week when I was 18 but staying out as late as 4 or 5 am was rare and pretty much only happened when I was on holiday as most of the time in the UK it's fucking cold/wet/inhospitable/everything is shut etc and it's much nicer to be indoors even if you are staying up late/early. The weather is better at the moment, sure, but wandering the streets at that time seems odd/undesirable to me. Being round at a friend's and not being tucked up in bed, fine!

If you live in a big city then there will be clubs that are open until that time. She might get bored of it and calm down. My daughters both went a bit clubbing crazy at eighteen and then got over it and now go out once in a while. Most people did it, it's just tough, you have to trust her to look after herself and be pleased for her that she's experiencing life, she'll no doubt be doing similar at university.

You must live a very sheltered life

I don’t think she is doing anything unusual for an 18 year old.

I get your anxieties, but there’s nothing you can do to stop your daughter, you just have to trust she is a sensible young adult and it will get easier over time for you.

I agree it’s not unusual behaviour for 18 year olds to go out at the weekend and stay out til the early hours. They don’t all do it, but it’s not uncommon.

It sounds like DD has deferred uni for a year and has a job. It’s hard to see why you are so worried about the situation.

Really? It’s totally normal.

I take it that's a 😃. I did this especially at 19+. My daughter does it, clubs don't close until 4am now whereas it used to be 2

I think you have to trust her but talk to her about minimising risk. How is she getting home, always stay with friends as there are these new date rape injections, keep her phone tracker on etc. so you can check where she is. Mine does that voluntarily, it stops her having to text me. She also knows to look out for other less sensible friends and knows she can call us at any time if things get hairy for her or her friends. They need to learn to be streetwise too as otherwise it’s deep end at uni or travelling etc

I think this is common, all my friends say the same thing. And I know my parents also felt the same way when me and my sister went out! I have boys but still struggle to relax fully when my 20 year old is out late. We have to let them live their lives and just make sure they know to be careful.

Eh? This is very normal behaviour.

Ahhh don’t rain on her parade. Going out and getting dressed up was such a fun time of life for me. I was telling my DD14 that back in the 80’s I was out in pubs at 15 and in our rather ropey nightclub probably at 16. I imagine it closed at about 02.00am. I think it’s trickier now with ID being required so many teenagers aren't getting to experience it until 18. Plenty of clubs and food places will be open until the early hours now so I don’t find that unusual at all. If you’ve got Uber in your area then I’d make sure she has that downloaded and enough money to be able to get herself home and she knows she can call you if she has any problems.

I had my first experience of one of my 17 yo twins staying out until 4 and getting a missed call from her….. it’s awful, isn’t it? I don’t think it’s typical to be out EVERY night until that time but at weekends especially during the summer when it’s light again at that time, it does happen. Mine was exacerbated by her leaving her phone with her sister so I couldn’t see where she was in Life360 so a very panicky 3 hours until she checked in again. Gave you thought of a tracking app? It does give me some peace of mind….

You must have led a very sheltered life.

Even in the 90s/ early 2000s clubs were open all night in my city. We were clubbing till 6am at weekends, every weekend. Fun times.

I do know how you feel though OP. My dd is 15 now and starting to do things independently with friends. I can imagine me having a good few sleepless nights when she starts going on nights out with them. I dont think you ever stop worrying either. Im in my 50s and my mum still gives me strict instructions to text her when im home if im going on a night out 😂

I did this as a teenager and in my early twenties with quite a lot of my friends. I know when I lived at home my parents worried but i was with a great group of friends.

Try not to worry to much (although currently my son is 2 so who know what I will be like at this stage) and trust her to be sensible and enjoy it. It doesn’t last forever.

I did it in my youth 40 years ago as did all my friends

Huh? I did at that age starting at 17 until I was 21. I went out every weekend clubbing with friends and rarely made it home before 4am. Most of my friends and work colleagues of the same age did it.

It's very weird that you've taken 'out until 4-5am' to mean 'wandering the streets'.

Plenty of clubs are open until 4am, for a start.

But also, when the OP says 'out' she doesn't mean literally outdoors. She just means 'not home'. It's perfectly possible her daughter goes clubbing until 2am, then gets a burger or something from a 24-hour chicken shop, then goes to a mate's house and attempts to sober up with a coffee before she rolls in at 5am.

Honestly OP, this is the part of parenting with my DD's that I struggled with the most.

Mine were both the same at that age and to be honest, I was when I was that age myself too.

Letting go of the control and seeing them going out and drinking, clubbing and socialising is so difficult for a parent. We no longer know where they are, who they are with, what they are doing and it is so very hard. I spent many a night worrying if they were drinking too much, if someone was giving them unwanted attention, if they had lost their phones, missed their uber home, got separated from their friends, tried drugs, etc etc, the overthinking would have me spiraling with worry.

Sharing this with my own Mum (who had been through it herself with me at that same age) she just said that I would come to a point where I would get used to it and would have to learn to trust that I had instilled everything into her that she needed to be able to go out and have 'safe fun' and that I was to let her learn from her own mistakes as it was the only way she would grow as an adult.

Another thing that helped with us, was that when she first started going out, she agreed to keep Life360 on her phone so that we could track her if we needed to for any reason, and we also made sure she knew she could call us anytime if she needed ANYTHING and we would not judge her.

It does get easier. Once you can see they come home safe and sound (even if they are worse for wear) the anxiety fades and soon you will enjoy seeing her going out knowing she is going to have a cracking night with her friends. Mine now comes home and I love teasing her about her hangover and listening to her stories from the night before.

I didn't lead a sheltered life, I went clubbing, just not until 4 or 5am, I was home by 3am, after the club shut at 2am or stayed at a friend's house. Then I'd be in work at 9am. I wasn't going to illegal raves as frankly I was slightly younger than the main age group doing that. Nor was I taking Es, having older boyfriends and being out all night as some girls at school were at 14. Really glad I was "sheltered" from that.

My parents, when I was living at home, always knew where I was and who I was with and that I could get home/stay somewhere safely though, and same applies with DDs, that's my point. They are not roaming the streets randomly in the early hours of the morning.

It's absolutely fine for an 18 year old to be out late, but there are less safe/desirable behaviours within that and it doesn't make you a snowflake, highly "sheltered" or a helicopter parent to need to know where they are, who they are with and how they are getting home, when someone is living in your house, even though you obviously won't know if/when they are away.

And clubbing is nowhere near as popular now. 18 year olds can't afford to go out as much as we did. DD1 goes out plenty at university but generally this is far less the case in this age group these days.