Struggling to let go of my 18 year old daughter going out

[AmusedLemonFatball]

I’m really struggling letting go with my 18 year old daughter.

I feel sick at the thought of her going with lads etc, she started going out most weekends and not coming home until 4-5am. I absolutely hate it. I feel really overprotective of her and I don’t know why. I had her at 16 and so I know I can’t say anything but I’m really really struggling. She wasn’t one to really go out and drink etc growing up, she wasn’t always busy with her horses etc but lately they have taken a back burner. She’s made a new friend who I’m not to keen on but obviously I can’t say anything. I think the girl lies alot, is very very focused on lads and is allowed to do anything.

dd works but is going to university next year and I’m worried she will throw it away.

I think I just have really bad anxiety :(

Very normal for her age. I did exactly that when I was her age.

Just because you didn't do it, and your daughters don't do it, that doesn't mean it's unusual or abnormal.

And again: going out clubbing isn't 'wandering the streets'.

Even if it was 'wandering the streets', an 18-year-old is an adult and entitled to go out, party, stay out late and wander the streets as much as they like.

Of course you can worry about them. I'm sure most parents do. But you can't stop an adult from doing perfectly legal things just because you happened to give birth to them.

Surely you understand that if your DDs were/are away at university, they would be doing whatever they want and managing just fine? Surely you realise every city / large town in the country is full of 18-year-old students living independently and going out whenever they want?!

Well the obvious question is have you prepared her for this stage of life, and if not, why not. And bloody well start now.

Most if not all parents worry when their teens start going out late at night, it's just part of being a parent unfortunately! I remember my DH merrily snoring away beside me while I lay awake listening for that key in the door before I could rest easier.

But if your anxiety is feeling out of control, that is an issue for you to deal with - possibly have a chat with your GP if you feel it's outside the normal parental worrying? And above all, don't communicate it to your daughter. She needs to feel that you have confidence in her ability to be responsible and sensible as she embarks on adult life. Just make sure she knows she can always call you if she needs to, whatever time of night.

Clubbing isn’t less popular than it was.

I’ve got two DDs and they are regularly going out until 4 or 5 am as are their friends. We know where they are, clubbing with their friends. Nobody is wandering the streets. Clubs don’t shut at 2am anymore. My DD’s aren’t going to illegal raves or taking drugs, they are having a good time dancing and being with their peers.

Exactly.
And keep communication open. You might not like her new friends but there isn't a lot you can do about that. You could ask to meet them invite them round to get to know them better.

Ensure she knows how to keep safe and knows about boundaries etc.

It's really hard letting go. I remember I hated it when my kids started being picked up in cars. Uuuurgh. So stressful.

X

Mine is currently driving down the m5 and I pretend I’m cool with it but I won’t settle until she arrives safely. I use distraction as a coping mechanism. I’m not naturally anxious but being 18 and away from home, I think it’s natural to worry but important to ensure you don’t put that on your child.

I moved out when I was 17, so could do exactly what I wanted with no scrutiny.

It didn't take too many times of going out all night and straight to work to realise I wouldn't be able to keep that up.

It's just wistful memories of a bygone era now though, as I start thinking about crawling under the duvet by about 8:30pm 🤣

I get it - I'm pretty relaxed about these things, but my oldest has been hilariously law-abiding about not going anywhere that's over 18 (even though they look and act very mature, so could have got away with it the last two years) but now they are 18 they are out all the time and late quite a lot suddenly. So it's a bit of struggle sometimes to remember where they are and when they're coming home!

It helps that I know they are very streetwise and public transport-savvy (we are in London) and that, like me, they don't like the idea of being very drunk or drugged up so not likely to be issues there. And they are good at letting me know their plans - I think that's the important thing. It's not controlling to say 'Let me know where you are, when you'll be back and if your plans change'.

I keep reminding myself DC is about to go to uni, so I'll genuinely have no idea what they're doing so I'd better get used to it!

It’s quite normal, it doesn’t mean she’s gone off the rails!

What is it you’re specifically worried about? Safety? Drugs? Pregnancy? If you can narrow down what you’re most concerned about, you can talk to her about specifics.

If it’s safety, does she have money to pay for a taxi home, can she reassure you about where she spends her time in the early hours?

If it’s drugs, she probably won’t admit it to you, but you can help her understand that some are more dangerous than others and there’s ways to mitigate risks if she is going to.

If it’s pregnancy, I’d be making it very clear that you won’t be looking after a baby while she goes to uni. It might be an unpopular view, but I think you want to make sure that if she does have an accident, she doesn’t think having a baby is a viable option.

Don’t you think it’s more likely she pulled and went back to a guys flat, than randomly wandered the streets 🤣

Aw OP, I have no advice to give im afraid but just wanted to say I think it's totally normal. A couple of years back my mum admitted to stay up all night waiting for me to come home...and I would sometimes be out until 5 or 6 in the morning! I felt awful knowing she had stayed up worrying 😟 im sure your daughter is sensible and will just be out having a great time

You weren't a 90's teen then. 😳

Clubs don't shut at 2am now though.

It's quite normal not to go out until 11pm, have a drink or two in a pub and then go to a club. Then head to McDonalds or similar afterwards.

The clubs near us are all packed with 18 and 19 year olds; that's the prime age for going to them. But nowadays, they check ID a lot more strictly so no one is getting in under age.

Good Lord! I'm in my 70s and can well remember going clubbing until 2.00 am, when they closed and then either on to a cheap restaurant or to a friend's home where there were no parents around, most weekends. I also remember going straight to work after a night out, without going home in between.

This makes sense to me.

I had her at 16
going to university next year and I’m worried she will throw it away

She's not you. She's got a life to lead that is not yours, what you're feeling makes sense, but you have to trust her at 18 to have learned from everything you've taught her over the years, now isn't the time to hang on to her and hold her back, because of your own fears.

it is touch, no-one tells you that all the worry when they are babies/toddlers is nothing compared to the worry of teenagers out there walking about in the world with no adults to look after them!

I have a 19 year old DS who is home from first year of uni and he is ND and does not go out or socialise at all and is happy with that. I worry far more about him than I do about 18 year old DD who is went clubbing in a nearby city last week for thew first time as she has just turned 18 and able to finally go out and is now on holiday in Porto Portugal with her firends!!

She likes a drink but unlike when we were teens in the 90s and would be drink several nights a week, they tend to drink maybe once a month, although that has increased since they have all finished their A-levels and have a summer of freedom!

I try very hard not to let her know how anxioous I am. I can see where she is on find my iphone, which I know some people hate but we can all see each other and all agree it is an extra layer of safety - eg if she never comes home we can see where her phone last pinged, or when someone loses thier phone in a field whilst playing with their mates we can help find it etc. I tend to just have a look at that to ensure she has made it back to where she is staying. Gives me a little reassurance whilst not having to text her to see if she is back etc.

And then there's the wait for the first bus/night bus!

Yes, going clubbing is not a one way ticket to debauchery! My 18yo is going out a lot but I know that's because it's the holiday and they won't go out so much on 'school nights' because they get pretty tired and don't want to have to do things the day after a big night out.

That’s way too late to be coming home

From the age of 17 I went out Thursday to Monday nights and got home about that time, every week. Every one bar a couple of people did exactly the same!

At age 18 I used to leave my house on a Friday night, stay over at my best friend's either pub/drinking at home and watching films, go to work, go to my boyfriend's on a Saturday for a night out and show up at home at about 3pm on Sunday! And this was the 2000s so not the Ancient Times.

I think it's location dependent though. I'm not so sure my mum and dad would have been as relaxed in say Nottingham which had bad knife crime or central Birmingham which was rough as on a weekend.

Yes I agree with this. But I feel your pain OP. Dd is currently doing this constantly out socialising and off to uni in September. It’s quite a radical change for us all to get used to.

In fairness I did this as a teen, had a ball <unbeknown to my DM but known to my best friends parents). My teen DD is horrified that I would do such things and thoroughly disapproves. She also however says she expects it skips a generation or two and I am responsible for teaching her future DC bad habits. On reflection and knowing my DGM and her sisters I suspect she may be correct, she was wild and free but also taught me to be the responsible one amongst our friends even when we were all out.

I'm a very normal and boring 48 year old and I can tell you that at 18 my parents - (I lived with my mum - school/college/ then had a year off working before uni) - had no idea what I was up to. I had 'lad' friends from sixth form college who were part of our gang - I'm sorry to say we were up to a lot of no good!

that was the 90s - we were on drugs - ! drinking/ taking rave drugs/ all sorts - I absolutely did not keep my mum informed of my movements or what I was up to - I mean, it was a long time ago now but I don't think at 18 she hugely worried as long as I seemed to be coping okay with life. She didn't know about the drugs - but I grew out of it in my early 20s when I started working after uni.

drugs and booze - however you may view them - are part of youth for a lot of kids.

It was normal in the late 90s to party until dawn as I'm sure it's normal now for SOME teens. People commenting here who never did it - so what? It's clearly normal for some young people.

I did it and managed to pass my a levels and head off to Uni

Op - in what way would she throw away uni? are you worried she will get pregnant?