Helping teen DD shut down creeps

[ArtyBartFast]

DD 16 was in a cafe the other day with a friend when a middle aged man approached them, gave them a free drink he said he didn't have time to drink (!?). They accepted but when DDs friend went to the toilet, he reappeared and started talking to DD, asking questions like "are you a uni student".

She felt obliged to chat because she wasn't sure if he was being creepy or not. She tried to shut him down by saying she was younger than uni. He started going on about how lovely her friend was.

I've said she's not obliged to chat to anyone and any middle aged man chatting to young unknown girls in a cafe is inappropriate, and he knew it.

Any advice on what to say? Teens are pretty people pleasey, which I expect he was exploiting. Is there a good phrase I can teach her to shut this nonsense down?

I thought about grey rock but that's effort. One thing to remember would be great.

I'm so annoyed. They are nice kids giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt.

I’m shocked by your naivety. How have you raised a teenage girl without having to talk her through this kind of behaviour before it even happens. Huge red flag that she and her friend accepted a drink from a stranger. Have you not conversations about drink spiking ?

I think you really need to pull yourself together and start being really clear about the dangers in the world with her.

Stranger: (Smiling) 'Can i get you a drink/ Here's a drink!

DD: (Dead pan face) 'No thanks'. <pick up your jacket and leave immediately>

I remind my daughter she is better off feeling uncomfortable and making a scene if needed for a few minutes, than dead forever.

Thanks all.

The drink was sealed in a can, not open. DD knows about spiking and stranger danger but in the moment the whole "be polite" thing took over. She's embarrassed and annoyed at herself because in a real situation she didn't have the toolkit to tell him to fuck off.

We have rehearsed a few "just say nope".

Thanks for blaming me! I have done these things. The reality of being faced with a polite person apparently in a rush doing them a favour who then turned out to be a creep turns out to be different than the theory.

Fuck off you paedo, nice and loud!

So important to learn that as a teen! I didn't. I'm still work in progress in my 40's 🫣

never ever accept drinks from strangers
don't smile
just say no thank you and walk away

tell them about 'ask angela' but also that some staff don't know about it.

don't leave without a friend who has been separated.

So tough. I think best advice is don't accept anything however well intentioned. Even from a woman.
And then don't answer any questions and certainly don't answer with a question. Help her practice a few stock phrases "sorry I am busy" and "no thanks " and say it without looking at the person so looking at phone or companion without lifting your head up and wave your hand up. Practice a few times with her.
As an aside I think another good trick is to buy a pair of spectacle frames (with no prescription). I wear glasses and my dsis doesn't and the amount of unwanted attention we got growing up was markedly different. She can pop them on going home etc. It just makes you a little less "visible" strangely

She definitely shouldn’t have accepted the drink - for a number of reasons. As to responses, she needs to keep it very short and simple. Saying things like “I’m busy right now” gives creeps the opportunity to re-approach her later ‘because she might not be busy then’.

Refuse any drinks, cash or gifts. If they try to start a conversation, make a completely disinterested one word response as though you’re humouring the world’s biggest bore and literally turn away and carry on your conversation and ignore them. If you’re by yourself and trapped eg on a train, repeat the same word and stare straight ahead. They soon get bored.

We drum into them to be polite then have to teach girls the opposite when it comes to men.

There is no reason for an adult man to be approaching young girls he doesn’t know. No decent man would do so.

The reason for rejecting the drink is not just because of spiking. A man doesn't buy a woman a drink, grab his jacket and walk out. A man offering you a drink or to buy you a drink is offering it for something in return, usually the pleasure of your company for conversation.
When you accept, you are saying, thank AND you are welcome!
These are cues a 16yr old wouldnt get and which it seems you yourself didnt get and this is why the answer should always be a firm No! Until she is at the age she can perceive these nuances correctly and happily consent to a man enjoying her company.

Surely (almost) everyone’s Mum thinks their daughters are pretty, in any event??

So-called ‘plain’ women get just as much grief from men.

Sometimes though, men can get very aggressive when you tell them ‘no’, even if you say it very politely.

I’ve often had to be ‘nice’ to keep him sweet, and until I can get away.

So, it’s not always the best idea to fight fire with fire, in my experience.

OP's DD was in a cafe so not quite the scenario you're describing. There was no meeting of 'fire', just a simple offer of a drink. In this scenario she doesnt have to keep him sweet, she needs to give a firm, No. Most people do not find themselves in the dangerous scenario you describe; isolated, no way of excape perpetrator is menacing but if they do, then I agree, its best to try and calm the perpetrator down by seeming compliant until help comes.

"I'm 16 and its incredibly creepy that you are trying to talk to me for any reason. Someone needs to check your harddrive" said very loud, and with a suitably grossed out facial expression

It’s a common assumption that a drink sealed in a can must be safe, but a friend of a friend was on holiday (maybe Thailand? Not sure) and accepted a sealed can, then became very ill/wobbly and the group she was with took her to the local hospital.

The doctors there told them that sometimes drugs could be put on the top of a sealed can - like a liquid could be poured on there and allowed to dry - and then obviously when you drink from that can the drugs go into your system.

So I wouldn’t personally accept a sealed can either.

Also - as others have said - creeps are giving you a drink so that you feel you owe them something, which is another reason not to accept.

I know they can get aggressive so I don’t advocate outright rudeness not for their sake but to avoid escalation. Just to adjust the polite default standard you would normally expect.

Thats why my DDs “do I know you”? In an unfriendly tone is so good. He then has to say he doesn’t .

He quite clearly bought the drink with the sole intention of giving it to her on the premise he “didn’t have time to drink it” - a can, which he could have taken away with him. Makes you wonder how often he does this sort of thing.

Don’t accept anything, say no thanks, no smile as pp said.

This has happened to me, where men I am really not interested in or who I feel are creepy have approached me in a cafe or bar, I have actually learned from my job as a health care assistant how to deal with unwanted male attention as sadly we do get it at work.
Basically I become unfriendly looking, talk in a very cold & blunt manner.. so it’s not so much what you say as how you say it, being actively unpleasant (without being obviously offensive eg swearing as you are then giving him ammunition to be nasty back) to a man seems to be very off putting to them.
Men like the easy option. A woman or girl who is cold & unfriendly & makes them uncomfortable is too much like hard work.

At work I often use the phrase:
’Thats not appropriate behaviour’. I will say this to a man if necessary out of work too.

I don’t bother pretending I have a partner or wear a ring as many men actually see that as a challenge!

I think it’s difficult because obviously you want them to leave you alone but you don’t want them to get aggressive or god forbid be waiting for you outside.. men who feel their ego is dented can turn very nasty especially if a bit drunk.

’

That doesn't always work. I once tried it as a teen and got "yeah, I know your dad, I just live in the next street".

I was quite bolshy so said sweetly "oh you mean Smith St?" Weirdo: "yeah, Smith St!" Me: "I don't live anywhere near Smith St, bye!"

My go-to for anyone I don't want to talk to is a loud, very cheerful "not interested, thanks!" And just repeat. Loudly. There is pretty much no comeback to that without being extremely odd which draws attention/ help.

A simple no thanks will do. Followed by a “fuck off” if not getting the message. A hard Paddington stare also good.

I don't think there's a 'one sentence' that you can use. I think it comes down to life experience and guidance from you OP.

1. Never ever accept a drink/food (or anything) from someone she doesn't know. Often a 'free' drink etc, can come with strings attached.
2. Don't engage. No thanks, is sufficient.
3. If someone persists, then say 'I'm here with my friend, I don't want to talk to you'. Extreme measures 'Fuck off' is universal in all languages!
4. Never feel obliged to engage, she has zero obligation to a complete stranger.
5. Never be afraid to tell a member of staff.
6. OP, teach your daughter about 'Ask Angela'.

Even if your daughter and her friend were university aged, there's no reason for a middle aged man, old enough to be her Dad, to be making unsolicited conversation. It's odd to say the least.

Fuck off random creepy man