Helping teen DD shut down creeps

[ArtyBartFast]

DD 16 was in a cafe the other day with a friend when a middle aged man approached them, gave them a free drink he said he didn't have time to drink (!?). They accepted but when DDs friend went to the toilet, he reappeared and started talking to DD, asking questions like "are you a uni student".

She felt obliged to chat because she wasn't sure if he was being creepy or not. She tried to shut him down by saying she was younger than uni. He started going on about how lovely her friend was.

I've said she's not obliged to chat to anyone and any middle aged man chatting to young unknown girls in a cafe is inappropriate, and he knew it.

Any advice on what to say? Teens are pretty people pleasey, which I expect he was exploiting. Is there a good phrase I can teach her to shut this nonsense down?

I thought about grey rock but that's effort. One thing to remember would be great.

I'm so annoyed. They are nice kids giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt.

If she doesn’t feel comfortable using some of the blunter responses above - a good option is typing on her phone and saying “I can’t chat, I’m right in the middle of something”.

Yes ideally she would tell him to sod off but not all teens will feel ok doing that.

Absolutely agree with not accepting drinks.

My parents brought me up that I always, always had to remain polite.

This well intentioned instruction got me into some very sticky situations as a child and a teen because I couldn’t remove myself from dangerous situations without being “rude”.

I made sure that both my DD and my DS knew that they would have my backing to be “rude” to anyone who made them uncomfortable even if it was a teacher, relative, coach etc etc.

I think this one is a really good suggestion and would come relatively naturally to my teens...

I think the problem is sometimes when you're too overt in rejecting men, they can be prepared for it and turn it round on you - I've had men very loudly accuse me of being prejudiced in one way or another when I have called them out - less loudly - for being predatory. The intention being to garner the sympathy of anyone watching for them rather than me and it worked - this has happened to me in this situation more than once.

Another approach I have sometimes found works is to ask if you can help them / what it is they want. If you ask this a few times, they effectively either have to ask you something - e.g., for your number and you can say no - or, more commonly, they can't come up with any legitimate reason they are talking to you and end up going away.

I am bracing myself for this with my two who still look very young, but are on the brink of this.

Yes tell the creep to fuck off. My dads round the corner and he’s a copper or bodybuilder

Well, this thread has restored my faith somewhat. I fully expected to see a litany of replies saying, "he's just beeing friendly" "maybe he's lonely" or "He's not going to do anything in a cafe so they should just talk to him."

I am quite a chatty person so I don' tmind random chit chat with people in cafes, but a pt peeve of mine is when people chat and don't take the hint that the chat isn't wanted (men and women). And of course, this happens x100 when it's a creepy older man chatting to young women/girls.

DD is only 11 and I've already noticed her and her girlfriends selfseleting out of certain situation because of tyhe chances of boys/men behaving inappropriately.

Dd says witheringly “do I know you?” Genius as forces them to admit they don’t know
her it’s a cold approach and they are actually a disgusting sleaze. It also can’t be taken as an insult.

One specimen reversed all the way up a lane to tell dd she had great legs. Many older men are absolutely disgusting about teenage girls. Remember it myself.

Perv: "Great legs!"

Woman: "Fat gut!"

Perv: "??!!??!!"

Woman: "Sorry, I thought we were trading unasked-for personal observations..."

(I am now old enough to say this and not give a shit, my teenage self wouldn't have been).

1. Do not accept drinks/gifts
2. 'No thank you I don't want to talk'. if ignored..
3. 'Leave us alone'. if ignored..
4. [loudly] 'STOP TRYING TO TOUCH ME YOU SEX PEST. I'M 14'

‘Could you excuse me I need to make a call’ and then she rings you and engages no further or if the friend is there ‘could you excuse us we were having a private conversation’

As I’ve got older I’ve frankly just started saying ‘NO I don’t want to talk thank you’

Being direct but polite usually works. Although I had a friend who could do long burps on command and this often also had the desired effect when we were at college

Absolutely she needs to refuse drinks brought over like that, or anything she has not opened herself, or seen made.

"I DON'T WANT A DRINK" loud enough to turn heads with a Scandi noir glare.

Love this 🤣

Literally
‘Thank you, but no thank you’
’That’s very kind, but no thanks’
’I am not in the mood for company right now’
’Thanks, but I’m not interested’

As they carry on and keep talking, because not all of them will take the first answer. Just stare, blankly, at them without responding further.

In my experience it pays to be polite in the first instance otherwise it can cause unnecessary escalation.

Please tell her never to accept anything from a stranger and certainly never eat/drink anything they give her.

Horrible dirty men
NEVER accept a drink
NEVER help a stranger people who need help seek adults.
Tell them clearly I'm under age or sorry thus is a private conversation and turn away. If uncomfortable the nearest middle age woman or woman with kids and ask for help.
A small can of travel deep heat is great for sore muscles

For a start never ever drink anything a stranger gives you

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO US extremely loudly while pushing chair back aa if about to get up also good.

Practising voice projection is important. The kind of martial arts where you release energy by shouting is great for everyone but especially girls. Theatre or debating society too.

One very effective one I've observed was "OK, you're bugging us now." (After a few attempts.

Recently had to sit for hours with my daughter (10) in the ER at our local hospital. There were a lot of people there. One man (around 70) in a wheelchair was brought in by a nurse and left near where we were sitting. Proceeded to tell us in great detail why he was there, and tried to get out of us why we were there. He would attempt to engage anyone walking past in conversation. There was a boy who looked about 12 who got caught by this man, and politely told the man his name, where he lived, what school he went to, and why he was in the ER, so everyone nearby now knows this too. I'm certain this man did not have any ill intent, but bloody hell, parents need to be having discussions with their kids about not going along with this type of thing just out of politeness, because there is a safety issue.

I thank gods every day I raised my daughter terrifying and she excelled 😅

Buy her the book "the gift of fear" essential reading

I have a friend whose mother I only recently met, and I realised she did the same! Lineages of Admirable Terror. This is the way.

I think the most dangerous thing about this incident is accepting a drink from a stranger - who knows what could have been in it.

I'd say that needs addressed too, a very firm stance on not accepting drinks from strangers.

Sorry she's not been able to even get peace in a cafe from creepy men.

I'd maybe go into the cafe myself and make them aware so they can check back on cctv if they have any and make their staff aware to look out for the welfare of their female customers.

Yes, they need to be made aware.

Sunny smile.” I’m sure you’re a decent bloke but I’ve agreed with my parents not to speak to strange men who approach us without encouragement as there are just so many creeps and perverts in this area at the moment”.