Helping teen DD shut down creeps

[ArtyBartFast]

DD 16 was in a cafe the other day with a friend when a middle aged man approached them, gave them a free drink he said he didn't have time to drink (!?). They accepted but when DDs friend went to the toilet, he reappeared and started talking to DD, asking questions like "are you a uni student".

She felt obliged to chat because she wasn't sure if he was being creepy or not. She tried to shut him down by saying she was younger than uni. He started going on about how lovely her friend was.

I've said she's not obliged to chat to anyone and any middle aged man chatting to young unknown girls in a cafe is inappropriate, and he knew it.

Any advice on what to say? Teens are pretty people pleasey, which I expect he was exploiting. Is there a good phrase I can teach her to shut this nonsense down?

I thought about grey rock but that's effort. One thing to remember would be great.

I'm so annoyed. They are nice kids giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt.

"We don't accept drinks from strangers."
"We are having a private conversation."

Please teach her it is not her duty to people-please sleazy old men.

If they turn nasty at being rejected, remind her that this is proof they are unpleasant controlling bullies. Tell her about the "Ask for Angela" campaign and suggest she and her friend go to the counter and use it if they are in a cafe or restaurant. If they are anywhere remote or it is dark, not to think twice about phoning for help.

Too many words and too many chances to spark conversation and also too private.

Loudly shocked as if he had dropped a spider on the table would be best. Make sure others notice.

There was a good shut down of the lothario character in the US comedy ‘Two and a half men’. He approached a young woman in a bar to be told “I’m sorry sir - I don’t have Daddy issues..”.

In real life of course a woman might fear a violent response.

It's tough to do but she needs to perfect her withering smile and say 'we don't need no free drinks mister'. And don't engage further.

I spent my life endearing creeps like this and all it does is encourage them.

Yes you’re right. We don’t need anything and leave us alone is better.

They are in a café, not in a pub or on the street. I agree that avoidance of violence is better. But in a café, it is right and good and safe to raise one's voice and enlist society.

Tell her to never accept free drinks from strangers and that she can say after a few minutes of polite conversation, I’m don’t feel like talking now but it was nice to meet you, bye. If they get hassled then move tables or leave.

I’ll let you get on as you said you didn’t have time to finish your drink.

My DD did this very loudly in public, totally shut them down.

Someone offers a drink, say
"no thank you"
"Why? Just take it it's free"
"No' we're / I'm ok, thanks so much"
"Are you a uni student"
Say sharply in school teacher voice: "Sorry, this is not a good time" look away and act as if you need to call someone.

Don’t take/accept anything of a stranger especially a lone male EVER and in this case a simple “fuck of mate we’re kids” loud enough so everyone can hear - I don’t have a daughter but I certainly wish my mother taught me to stand up to men instead of be abused by them - I’m 40 now and peri so my sun glasses are well and truly off and no shit is taken these days however back then I wish I knew I didn’t have to appease anyone especially a man by talking/smiling etc instead of straight up fuck off !! Honestly the older I get I hate men more

I've told them to just say "Leave me alone." and if that doesn't work immediately to ask a woman nearby, or staff if they are somewhere with staff, if they can help them get rid of a guy who is perving on them. I've also suggested taking a photo if they can do so without feeling they'd put themselves in danger.

I go for bold and bolshy over witty and cutting because I think wit needs to be something they develop as a proper skill - it's too easy for it flop and get turned back on you when you're inexperienced. I also emphasise that it's fine to be rude, to name what they are doing as creepy, and that creeps rely on women feeling like they can't be.

But agree with others that emphasizing not taking drinks of strangers is vital - and be explicit about the feelings of obligation it often causes being deliberate on the part of the giver and entirely okay to ignore if they do slip up, but the more vital reason to refuse is the risk of getting drugged (even in a coffee shop). They are too old and independent not to have that drummed into them explicitly.

Rule of thumb don’t accept any food or drink from strangers.
Don’t engage in eye contact or conversation with strangers, weirdos can spit a victim a mile away.

I've taught my daughter to just say "no thank you", repeating it louder and louder to attract attention from others until they go away.

She's also phoned her brothers and conversationally mentioned that a creepy bloke keeps trying to talk to her.

Please keep the phrases and responses coming. Good to have a few.
Key thing is attitude, I always had attitude with unwanted male attention but my dc are more polite and appeasing unfortunately.

I think this advice is great. It's firm and unambiguous, but is unlikely to elicit an aggressive response.

She doesn;t need to engage in a few minutes of polite conversation. She is allowed to enjoy time with her friend withoutpandering for 1 second to a creepy man.

This is good. It shames him and draws others' attention to him.

It may not elicit aggression but it is full of people pleasing tags:

"Thank you" (for something I don't want, didn't ask for and is an excuse to intrude and prey? Why thank someone for that?)

Then, if they continue to pester, another "thank you" - for what? For continuing to harrass them?
And "I'm not feeling like" which can be used as a point of negotiation. "Ah, come on, now girls! You're not feeling like meeting new people? How do you know you are not missing out?"

Young girls need to learn how to say "No" unambiguously and not feel the need to ingratiate themselves with dodgy men, but to draw public attention to the lowlife behaviour.

the line I like - and remember using years ago - is 'we are having a private conversation do you mind' - there are various levels of polite you can bring to this. I was pretty lairy as a teen and did not make any effort to be polite to revolting old men harassing me and my friends.

She could say - 'sorry we are having a private chat here - - she should NEVER accept anything from creepy people - but I understand it may feel pressured

She could say very abruptly - please could you go we are trying to talk.

I promise you the clearer she is the quicker they will get the fuck away.

say it loud then other people will hear too.

I really agree with the above poster - please encourage her away from the whole 'thanks, 'im not feeling like' horrible people pleasing crap.

It just provides little windows of possibility for creeps to keep pestering

I know she doesn’t but speaking as a woman with teenage daughters, shutting down men abruptly leads to angry outbursts. Rejected men can be vile sometimes even aggressive and possibly violent. I wish it wasn’t that way but it is. It’s better to be polite for 2 minutes before saying, nice to meet you but we want to chat now. Thanks, bye.

He didn’t have time to drink his drink he ordered ?? Weirdo
my response would be “ ask the staff to put it in a takeaway cup for you to go “

I’m with this, she doesn’t have to be all
aggressive and ‘piss off’ but equally she can shut him down pretty sharpish without the whole ‘thanks, I’m sorry’ etc.

Good old fashioned, point and shout “Stranger!”
I think anything you can say firmly and clearly whilst drawing attention to the situation is good. I used to go with a very loud, “Leave me alone!” First time it worked was when I was being harrassed and followed home after a late shift in retail on the bus. It did take me up to 18 to be confident enough in myself to do it though.
I tell my children to look for people in uniform or a family and ask for help. They should NEVER have to make themselves feel uncomfortable by people pleasing and pandering to an adult male who should know better.