What options do I have? 15 year old son bad behaviour in school. Toll on us is huge

[Helpw0383]

My son is 15. He has horrendous problems in school. Hes always struggled with the classroom environment. Teachers and us think adhd but cahms will never accept referall as he does so well outside of school. Its extremely frustrating.
Anyway, his behaviour in school has now deteriorated to the point hes barely in lessons. His relationship with the teachers is breaking down.
Every day he gets detentions, isolation and is on report. He doesnt attend any detentions and does no homework.
Im not just saying this , other people will back up what im saying including teachers. When he is not in a classroom he is great. Perfect on school trips. Perfect on work experience. Great outside of school.
Even though he doesnt cause us problems at home, the stress of the school situation transfers into the home.
My husband and I are both working professionals with qualifications etc and we just can't relate to this behaviour. Weve tried ignoring and punishing but nothing works. He repeats alot of the behaviours.
He is in year 10. I honestly don't know how we are going to get through the next 12 months. He is going to fail every gcse. We just want him to pass english and maths at grade 4. I would be happy with that
What can we do to help this situation? I dont want advice or tips on the behaviour as us, counsellors, family, friends and teachers have all tried to help and nothing works.he is also massively triggered by other badly behaved students of which there are lot of in his classes. Hes in bottom sets. Was in top sets and is capable of that.
He has mocks coming up, they will be able disaster. Any time he sits a test he cant keep quiet etc. Ive asked for him to do them elsewhere.
I cant homeschool him as he doesnt engage at home. Didnt during covid. Was running round the room. And like I say doesnt do homework.
I am positive that hes going to get expelled.

Is there anything we can do? There is a sen hub in the school that he wants to go to, but he doesnt have an actual diagnosis?
Reduced timetable?
If we pulled him out is there anywhere else he could go? Such as a college? We are in the midlands.
My husband and I are heading for divorce and its largely due to this. The stress is incredible. I have school ringing me every day. Husband is so frustrated he just says hes naughty and has given up. Please help

That sounds very positive OP. Please also request an EHCNA ASAP. The info is below. It sounds like you have lots of evidence. Your son should be seen by an educational psychologist as part of the process. If your local authority refuse to assess, appeal.

Asking for an EHC needs assessment | (IPSEA) Independent Provider of Special Education Advice https://share.google/YPSm0VWgmj1UCLP44

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

All sounds great OP and very similar to what worked for my daughter. I had a battle with science due to it being “core”, so I’m glad they’ve been relaxed about that.

id also suggest some mental health days. When I knew my daughter was escalating, it was inevitable that she would be suspended if I didn’t get her out of the situation. So I would keep her off the next day, or even a few days, for her to just clear her headspace. In the absence report I would state “mental health day” and I would never receive a call or welfare check. I didn’t let her fester in her room on those days. I would encourage her to talk, take her for walks or lunch. We would do some revision cards together. Just me and her. Her overall attendance for year 10 and 11 was 82% but we did come away with some passes.

Late reply but this all day long. I stopped punishing my Son for his behaviour at school as he had already had one punishment why would I dish out another? My boy got to the point where school put him on a managed move to a SEMH school and he has done so well. He sat in his English exam for 1.5 hours today!! He has ADHD, Irlen, dyslexia and dyspraxia and the mainstream school environment would never ever have worked for him.

I agree about preserving your relationship with your boy. I think their self esteem takes such a bashing (no matter how bolshy they are!) and it must feel awful to have everyone around you angry at you.

Your route to get an ADHD referral via your GP. And then you can elect to go private if you can’t wait for one.

I would look into tutoring if you can! I work with lots of students like your son and find that 99% of them are able to engage on a 1:1 basis with much less pressure and work tailored to their individual needs, even if they aren’t managing lessons at all.

Consider if medication (via a consultant) is the right way to support learning in his existing context or if the environment is too poorer fit (schools often are a poor fit for neurodiverse kids). If the latter and you can throw some cash at things, look at alternative home ed provisions near you… he needs an engaging environment linked to his interests, maybe a farm or sports or crafts or mechanical or Steiner route (plus English maths). Ask on your town/county homeschool Facebook page what opportunities are around locally? You may even find your local college has a 14-16 provision free for home educated kids? What are his strengths and interests, what sort of environment does he need to succeed?

This sounds so like step son
he’s bright, creative, quirky, funny and loving
all I see now is a depressed, rude, quite frankly frustrating child who won’t get out of bed
was refusing school, gradually getting him back in

but work experience last week…… he shone. Went every day early, said he’s sad it’s over. Showing his dad and I his pitch for a respite centre design (was an architect firm)
It was like all his potential was shining again
i don’t have any answers, other than to try and get through school
my eldest DS is autistic, extremely bright but school and him did not work
he went to uni, loved it. Foundation year, 1st class degree and a masters distinction
he has loved every minute of it, school can’t cater for everyone

I would echo @KostaBoda preserve your relationship with son first and foremost. My son got so many detentions that he would be booking them three or four weeks in advance. He got one merit in five years and that was when a friend took his planner and had his own put in son's to ruin son's record of zero merits.
Son had no issues anywhere else he was great at home and extra curriculars. Some was that he had a reputation and they pounced on everything.
I didn't punish at home because how would that help? I looked at the reasons and raised any I felt justified with him but the vast majority I ignored. He did no homework, they gave up asking and he did the last two years with only a pen in his back pocket. Son actually loved school and it was like water off of a duck's back tbh he had lots of friends, enjoyed the trips and the sports teams and did enough to get what he needed for the next stage.
Funnily enough after 6 form at a different school,he behaved marginally better but didn't make much effort, he went to work for Local Government in school support. When he would phone his old school they would phone back because they believed he was winding them up.
Now he has a very successful business he laughs about the number of times he was told he was ruining his future by not behaving in school.

Can he go to a different school? Worth a try for a new leaf/change of environment. This isn’t working anyway so you have nothing to lose.

Do you hit him where it hurts when he gets a detention, figuratively speaking? Ie take away his phone or gaming system, whatever will bother him.

I have every sympathy, we have started to have similar problems with our daughter at 14. This is where years of over-indulgence and gentle parenting have got us. Some kids need super-strong boundaries and zero tolerance early, I think. Some of course do not and that’s great. If I’d been tough like my parents were tough with me I’m sure we wouldn’t be here.

This was us in year 10 and I was almost broken. Kept him off the last few weeks of term as he had completely given up while I contacted psychiatry.com for a private assessment for adhd. school had to complete a questionnaire, so did we and then a really understanding psychiatrist did an online assessment and provided an in depth report. This got him meds. Cost a few thousand pounds and several months of titration to get the right dose but he started year 11 in a much better state of mind. Scraped 4s and 5s in science, maths, English and engineering but that has been enough to get an apprenticeship and go to college.
I found taking him to mc donalds and giving him lifts helped our relationship as he couldn't escape in the car,and had to talk to me! We still have bad days but at least he got some qualifications