14yo DD - has girlfriend

[hellolightnessmynewfriend]

Over the past couple of months, DD14 has been spending a lot of time with a new friend. I knew this girl had previously been in a relationship with another girl, so I began to wonder whether there was more going on than just friendship.

About two weeks ago, during a car journey, I gently brought it up with DD. I asked whether she was seeing her, and she said that she was. She then asked if I was mad at her. I told her that I love her and that I support her no matter what. I also explained that we needed to set some boundaries, such as keeping bedroom doors open when the girl is visiting.

Privately, I have been finding the situation quite difficult.

DD and I have always been close, but as she has entered her teenage years, parenting has become more challenging.

She has started to show typical teenage behaviours, such as some attitude, not listening and becoming more self-absorbed.

More seriously, last year she struggled with her mental health, including disordered eating and self-harming. We sought professional help, and although it was an incredibly difficult period, things did improve.

Then this morning, I noticed that she had love bites on her neck - and then helped her cover them up.

Part of me feels this is a phase. But, I don't know.

Aside from the above, she does well at school and has lovely friends.

How would you deal with this??

Honestly, I feel a bit lost.

What exactly about the situation are you finding difficult?
Deal with what? What’s to deal with?

I would deal with it the same way as if she had a boyfriend, check she is not getting obsessed and still seeing other friends.

Is it dating a girl or dating anyone?

She's my only child, so I don't have experience of parenting her with boys or girls. All new territory - unchartered and a bit scary? I guess an issue is that she's become more secretive and moody since this all started. And it just takes me right back to the disordered eating/self-harming months. And I think my thoughts are all tangled up - as I feel quite down about the state of things (outside of this new relationship) anyway.

She hasn't been speaking to her other friends as much. She hasn't isolated herself, but the not seeing other friends as much worries me...

I’d be pleased she’s prefers girls to boys. Given how awful a lot of men out there seem to be.

Do you not remember being 14? I was secretive and moody, my 14 year old is the same and thinks I know nothing. Just keep communication open and don’t over react to stuff. It’s all normal for the age and stage. And try and remember how you felt when your parents did x y and z and don’t make their mistakes.

It’s totally valid to be finding it hard, the insinuation on here is because she’s dating a girl is unfair. Parenting a teen girl is hard work! I have a 14 year old and it’s all new to me, she’s a joy and generally doing really well, I still worry and find things difficult.
it sounds like you’ve been lovely and also supportive with her mental health. No parent wants to find themselves in love bite territory but I guess you just deal with what comes up and keep going, shes able to talk to you and that’s so important.

If I break it down, I would say:

1. I'm worried about her dating a girl (and not boy) *
2. Getting love bites - escalated quickly from a girl that had no 'romantic' experience to suddenly getting love bites
3. Lack of boundaries at the girl's house

• I'm not homophobic! I don't want life to be difficult for my daughter - no parent does. With how last year went with her mental health, I'm on eggshells about things being harder for her. Also, it's just a bit to process, right?

Honestly, she probably looks around at boys her age and thinks 🤦🏻‍♀️

In the car conversation, she has said she usually likes boys. I don't know if this is actually true or not.

Part of me thinks it's positive that she can experiment without it being such a BAD BAD thing these days.

Thank you. It's bloody hard work! I think my thoughts are quite tangled and maybe my initial post wasn't clear.

Being able to be open about her sexuality and having positive romantic experiences might improve her mental health OP. It's really important you can be supportive even if you're having wobbles under the surface.

I understand what you're saying about her age and it all being sudden. I think it's harder sometimes to put boundaries in with a same sex relationship as there's not the same risk of pregnancy. But it's ok to have rules about them being in a bedroom etc, as you are saying.

It's hard to see our young ones grow up and it does add an extra layer of worry if they're gay. Homophobic abuse hasn't gone away and it's normal to be concerned for them. But the main thing we can do as parents is show acceptance, love and support. Be really vocal about this as she needs to hear you're ok with her being gay. Think of yourself as balancing out all the negative messages she hears every day.

Sorry just seen your update about normally liking boys - maybe she's not gay but being bisexual isn't a bed of roses either!

From what you've written, I see yellow flags rather than red flags. Things for you to monitor but not to panic or act on yet. There are positives here:
-she can talk to you
-she has had a difficult period but engaged in support and things improved - that's great
-she is generally doing well and has friends

Things to keep an eye on:
-Intensity of the relationship, they can go 0-100 at this age
-Seeing less of friends, perhaps talk to her about this
-and finally, your own attitudes - you say you're not homophobic but you do seem to think you'd prefer it if she was interested in boys - that is homophobic! And sadly many people would feel the same but you need to recognise and own it as it may well be your DD is picking up on it and this is causing her to shut down a little.

Yes, I was definitely secretive and moody! It was quite different though as I never had the same relationship with my parents. But, I guess teenage biology is teenage biology, etc.

I don't really have any advice but I understand where you're coming from and I don't think there's anything wrong with your reaction.

I do think you were right to discuss boundaries etc. Just because it's a same sex relationship doesn't mean that anything goes or that you don't need to worry about healthy/abusive relationships, consent, STDs etc. She's still a child and it's valid to want to protect her from getting in over her head or being risky/reckless, especially if she's not very assertive and might be at risk of feeling she has no choice but to submit to a more forceful character.

You haven't mentioned anything bad about this girlfriend. So presumably it's not a case of thinking it could be abusive/coercive etc.

It sounds like she's had quite a few issues but hopefully her girlfriend is understanding and supportive. Just be there for her and make sure she knows she can talk to you about her feelings and relationships.

If you think her liking women might be a phase, I suppose it could be. But as long as she's happy it doesn't matter what sex she's attracted to.

It might be a phase, it might not. You can’t really know. All you can do is keep an open line of communication, ensure she knows why a healthy relationship looks like, and make sure she’s aware that women can also be abusive. I know that last one sounds silly but abuse and cohesive control in lesbian relationships can look different from heterosexual ones. In my experience it can be more subtle and harder to spot when you’re going through it. Before someone jumps up my ass about that the key words there are my experience - so take from it what you will.

This is pretty much exactly what my DM told me when I told her I thought I liked girls. She said it was "a hard life" and "probably a phase". I never mentioned it again!

What are you wanting to deal with? There doesn't appear to be anything wrong?

Also- do parents still think in 2026 that asking teenagers to keep their door open will stop them having sex? 😂
Give the girl some privacy fgs.

Honestly, it sounds like she's in a fairly good place, she's told you honestly what's going on and you've responded exactly the right way. I would just keep the dialogue open. Keep discussing consent, and how that can manifest in feeling "pressure" as well as just being forced to do something. Keep discussing boundaries, keep discussing emotions, how she's feeling, any negative comments etc. No, she may not tell you, but that's normal for teenagers and at least if you keep the conversations open, she knows you're happy to listen. Keep an eye on any changes in friendships or her feeling she can't do certain things, and discuss them with her.
I wouldn't worry about bullying/nastiness, the world is a different place now, it's not unusual and sure someone might make the odd comment but it isn't like the full scale level of difficulty that coming out was when we were young. It sounds like this girl was already openly gay, so she clearly knows and can support your dd.
I'd be super pleased she's not into boys right now, just look at what is going in in the world, look at what porn is available to teen boys plus the risk of pregnancy. There are of course risks in any relationship but I'd say this is a much better scenario (or as a mother I'd be happier with it) than if she was getting love bites from a boy. Try to see the positives even if it's hard for you. Your dd will pick up a vibe even if you don't say the words aloud. I'd keep "maybe it's a phase" to yourself, even if it is a phase, nobody wants to hear that about themselves and teenagers cannot abide not being taken seriously. Discuss things in a mature, serious way and don't let her think you're assuming things will change (right now, she probably thinks it'll be this girl forever and ever anyway, because you do when you're young!)

I think you're doing well, being gentle and non confrontational is difficult! Your daughter will appreciate this I'm sure and it will make it easier for you to talk.
I think a lot of kids at that age are confused about their feelings about things and people so leaving her to sort her own head out in her own time is the right way 🫠

Who says life is harder as a lesbian? And if it is, what should same-sex attracted women do? Cease to exist? Stay in the closet?
How about trying conversion therapy? After all, it could be argued it's in the best interests of the OP's DD.

Like others, I was told life was going to be more difficult for me because of my sexuality. What was I supposed to do? Life was harder for me because I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like and unfortunately never managed to have one. But that's got nothing to do with my sexuality and everything to do with poor parenting.

I'd really hoped things had changed, and they have, but they haven't changed enough by the sound of it but I do think the OP will remember how she felt in years to come and cringe.

Also, just to second what @GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf says.
Lesbian relationships can be just as toxic and hetero one. Anyone who thinks the opposite and that they'd get it easy if only they were a lesbian is mistaken.

It sounds like a phase.
I understand your concern...And it's not homophobic to have preferences for your children on who they would end up in a relationship with.

It's not like they are just holding hands, It's the hypersexual element of love bites at 14 which would really worry me.

It’s incredibly normal for teenagers to be snogging and have ‘love bites’ and you’re being a bit weird. She’s 14. This is very normal for a 14-year-old.

I don’t understand why you’re worried she’s dating a girl. Surely much less risky than dating a boy. If she sleeps with her girlfriend she’s not going to get pregnant.