14yo DD - has girlfriend

[hellolightnessmynewfriend]

Over the past couple of months, DD14 has been spending a lot of time with a new friend. I knew this girl had previously been in a relationship with another girl, so I began to wonder whether there was more going on than just friendship.

About two weeks ago, during a car journey, I gently brought it up with DD. I asked whether she was seeing her, and she said that she was. She then asked if I was mad at her. I told her that I love her and that I support her no matter what. I also explained that we needed to set some boundaries, such as keeping bedroom doors open when the girl is visiting.

Privately, I have been finding the situation quite difficult.

DD and I have always been close, but as she has entered her teenage years, parenting has become more challenging.

She has started to show typical teenage behaviours, such as some attitude, not listening and becoming more self-absorbed.

More seriously, last year she struggled with her mental health, including disordered eating and self-harming. We sought professional help, and although it was an incredibly difficult period, things did improve.

Then this morning, I noticed that she had love bites on her neck - and then helped her cover them up.

Part of me feels this is a phase. But, I don't know.

Aside from the above, she does well at school and has lovely friends.

How would you deal with this??

Honestly, I feel a bit lost.

Although upthread I’ve mentioned the many issues, including DV that affects lesbian relationships (although the stats are not the full picture as @Carla786 explained), and I think it’s important never to assume just cos someone’s with a woman it means they’re safe…I do understand why a parent would feel more at ease with their daughter dating a girl over a boy. I know I would rather my daughter ends up being gay. If you think about the really extreme worst nightmare scenarios for a parent - date rape, cases of dating app murderers, extreme physical violence etc, it’s almost always committed by men. So, no being with a woman doesn’t automatically mean you’re safe, but it does massively lessen the risk of serious assault, violence and murder

Would you be calling it a phase if it was a boy?

It's normal for a parent to worry and be protective about their child. You want to keep them safe. You are a good parent. And she is still very young and inexperienced in life. I think you know what's best for your daughter. Keep an eye on the situation and trust your instincts

Why do you think the excitement wears off quicker in some cases?

I personally think it's because women tend to have more responsive desire, whereas men may be more likely to want to initiate without prior stimulus. That shouldn't necessarily be a problem for 2 women imo if they both try to keep sex going, any more than a man and woman with both responsive desire shouldn't necessarily have a problem. But I know it can be...
It's also true that a lot of straight marriages have dead bedrooms, generally due to the woman not wanting sex for various reasons, but women in straight marriages may feel more pressure to keep it going regularly as it's more likely to be a dealbreaker sooner for a man.

Definitely agree re dating app etc dangers.
Sadly though I think only one small app is for only biological lesbians, all others allow transwomen. And anecdotally I've heard of many apps not kicking off men pretending to be women, or unicorn hunters (women who lie about wanting a girlfriend but actually want a woman to have a threesome with them & a male partner). So although it does lessen risk, only seeking women doesn't necessarily rule out male predation fully.

“I told her that I love her and that I support her no matter what. I also explained that we needed to set some boundaries, such as keeping bedroom doors open when the girl is visiting.”

I just want to say that I am so damn proud of you and sending you all my love. You’re in a difficult position and you’re still showing love and unconditional acceptance to your children.

♥️💪😍

I think it’s because women tend to be more similar, both being the same sex, and as a result their relationships can become incredibly intense. Great in the beginning, but it’s not sustainable long-term. They become TOO close, which results in over-familiarity, which results in a decline in sexual attraction. Basically, after a certain number of years they start feeling like your sister. And no one wants to shag their sister.

They need your permission? Your advice? Your blessing? Nope. Even the medical profession disagrees here. A fourteen year old asking for contraception is permitted to do so in confidence.

Trying to make it your business is going to result in them feeling (not being, just feeling) practically persecuted and hide it more, having the complete opposite effect. A child with a history of disordered eating especially needs that. Eating is one of the final refuges of autonomy and there is often an element of feeling controlled (NOT necessarily here, and not necessarily parental. But it’s a common assertion of autonomy). The least damaging thing you can do about this (completely normal and age appropriate) behaviour is to stay well out of it, be accepting of what she chooses to share and to accept her just as she is. At 14, you’re therapist or coach at best. You can only hope to guide or influence and you need to save that for stuff that really matters. Teenagers kissing (whatever sex) just does not matter (except to them). And therefore absolutely no one’s business but theirs. Let her have some privacy. Have all the concern you like, but keep it to yourself. Those are your feelings. Not her problems. (Yes it’s hard. Parenting is)

Over-intensity isn't helpful to sex, definitely. I think the point re partners who are too similar applies more widely : there need to be some significant differences or there won't be chemistry, as you say, and people get bored.

I suggest she was struggling last year as she came to terms with her sexuality she may be gay or bi. Hopefully now she has a GF her mental health will improve

A women is statistically more likely to be physically assaulted, sexually assaulted or killed by a male partner than any other person. Not to mention have her physical, emotional and mental labour exploited to give her male partner more time to relax. You cannot really be equating the power and impact of an abusive partner with bitchiness of acquaintances? You really can’t be suggesting that your individual experience is that women is are not very nice to you, that’s a valid and rational counter argument to women being most at risk of harm from abusive male partners?

I generally prefer the company of men. That has absolutely no bearing on the fact that heterosexual women are routinely abused and even more routinely exploited by men in their primary relationships, and that a woman’s primary relationship has the most impact of any single factor on her long term happiness and well being. When women demonstrate sympathy for abusive men like this, it’s a sign that they need to feel (not be. Feel) safer among men who exploit or abuse. A ‘fawn’ response. And it makes me sad. Internalised misogyny is a tool of the patriarchy to divide and weaken all women and serve men.

My best friend growing up was gay, and girls can be just as bad if not worse in some cases tbh. She had several very toxic, manipulative relationships and some where physical.

Three things worry me.

The intensity and haste of the sexual factor, love bites.
The non supervision at the girlfriend's home.
Seeing her friends less.

Your DD is 14, not sixteen. She is not at the age of consent.

I worry that she is too young to have both - no boundaries and a very new and sensual relationship.
I worry that she will not have the support of her friends.
I worry that the dramatic love life will over take her well being. She needs good sleep, to do all of her home work, to keep exercising and to see her regular friends.

Can both households have the same ground rules?

• No sleep overs, doors open, parents pick up their kids.

Allow only dating on a weekend after xx homework finished.
Encourage continuing to invite her old friends out to a movie night etc.
Continue with mother/daughter outings.

As much as everyone on here is cool and thinks it's all "normal teenage behaviour", most parents do not have to confront self harming, an eating disorder and lesbianism in the space of a year. I think it's normal to find all that a lot but you're dealing with it well. As for the door open or closed, your house, your rules..... Be aware though that where there's a will there's a way and maybe she'll feel safer for that in her own house. Just keep being there for chats, give her quiet moments with you to open up. That's literally all you can do.

Why do you think people have to confront lesbianism?
Why would anyone assume their child was going to identify as heterosexual?
Sorry but your language speaks volumes.

Because around 95% of women are heterosexual, that's all.

I would also be uneasy about the love bites. I think people that inflict them are weird and creepy. It"s a kind of branding. Fingers crossed the relationship is not long lasting.

My point is that you confront problems and a child being same-sex attracted is not a problem. Or it shouldn't be.

Feeling emotionally safe and being physically safe are very different things. A teen who feels emotionally safe at home might well make out or even have sex with a date at home. A teen who feels emotionally unsafe is going to do that behind your back in desperate a bid for perceived privacy. That’s probably not an issue. Teens are creative and inventive - she’ll find somewhere to go, although she might encounter other risks. But she’ll despise your rules, feel like a child and that will colour all of them. Even the ones that she might otherwise agree are just being sensible and safe. And she’ll get into the habit of lying and making questionable choices. And you may or may not find out. She will rebel hard against at what she sees as no agency and privacy. And that might mean making unwise decisions in bids for freedom. and to feel autonomous and grown up. Particularly in her choice of partner. I implore you to make sex with anyone a ‘to’ choice and not a ‘from’ choice for her. It won’t change her choices for the better.

She may also display other signs of mental distress and reactions to her parents lack of faith in her. I think this parent has seen enough of that want to be as protective as possible. And that means emotional safety. Which means privacy and choice over what to share. My daughter had a boyfriend at 13. I was perfectly happy for them to be in her room with the door closed. So was his mother. I don’t think for one moment she was doing anything in there. And if she was, it’s none of my business.

Focus on being a good influence and using that influence - which is all you have with teens - on showing her what good partners and partnerships look like. What consent looks like. Make it second nature. And you won’t need to worry about this.

“Lesbianism” 🤣🤣 Ok Gentlemen Jack
Notice you seem to be lumping “lesbianism” in with self-harming and eating disorders as if it is negative, harmful behaviour. I just genuinely don’t get why people view it as something harmful. Please explain…

So many replies - but surprised by some of the replies tbh, as she’s only 14 in year 9! No, I definitely don’t want her having full-on sex - whether it’s with a boy or girl!

Up until last year, there were no signs of any mental health issues. She’s had thrived up until then. It was a traumatic time. Pretty brutal. Has that made me hypervigilant about any signs of things creeping back in? Yes. It was all very secretive, insidious and horrible.

The girl seems nice (although different to DD)? I haven’t spent much time with her, just when she’s been over to our house (before that car chat).

Right now, I think DD possibly likes both girls and boys. As someone said, I think there’s so much more fluidity these days. So, I’m not putting labels on anything about who or what she is. Anyway, the girl approached her and I think there was that opportunity that came her way. I suppose that’s partly what I meant that I think it’s a phase. She’s made comments about boys before, but I think she finds them a bit gross and immature right now (!).

I think I would feel similar if she was dating a boy. Although I guess I would have a better idea of how to place the boundaries. With the girl, I’m a lot less certain as it needs to be handled more sensitively?

The love bites happened at the girl’s house.

She’s not autistic - and I don’t forsee trans/non-binary happening.

I’m not making it my business, in the sense of inserting myself into their situation to control things! I’m trying to understand so I can handle things in the best way.

Exactly, 100% this! Nail on the head.

Some posts attract a lot of attention and I hope yours attracts well meaning posts.

I have friends that came out as teenagers, and they mentioned they perceived people’s shock into different areas. Now this was a few years ago and we have moved on a lot since thank goodness. Some believed (rightly or wrongly), that some people worried about their safety, in the day and at night. Some worried they’d never have children and maybe never be grandparents. Some worried about general homophobic behaviour and some getting used to. I am happy to say these relatives absolutely have thrown themselves into their children’s lives and love every moment. In the essence of having a family, so many heterosexual couples face infertility and divorce that no path is of any guarantee. And thankfully many new advances and just general openness has given way for couples to become families.

Girls can experiment and have phases, it maybe a path you that has surprised you. Then you will realise it could have been a lot worse and she bought home an unpleasant person / county lines male etc.

All we want is our children to be happy and loved, if you have this be very grateful and celebrate whether this is a phase or not, so they know you are safe.

I get what you mean. Went through the same with DD2 at exactly the same age at an old girls school. It was a phase and she was dumped by the girl and zero drama. My advice let her be wherever will be will be. Too young still and they are being influenced by tv series in Netflix where the teen couples are mainly girls couples. Bit tired of the agenda pushing.

I’m SO glad there is so much more representation of young same-sex couples on tv these days. Makes me happy for the baby gays of today. Imagine what it was like being a gay teenager in the 90s being “so tired of the agenda pushing” by the media that you must be heterosexual, or you were doomed to a lonely, miserable existence where the world viewed you as a freak.