14yo DD - has girlfriend

[hellolightnessmynewfriend]

Over the past couple of months, DD14 has been spending a lot of time with a new friend. I knew this girl had previously been in a relationship with another girl, so I began to wonder whether there was more going on than just friendship.

About two weeks ago, during a car journey, I gently brought it up with DD. I asked whether she was seeing her, and she said that she was. She then asked if I was mad at her. I told her that I love her and that I support her no matter what. I also explained that we needed to set some boundaries, such as keeping bedroom doors open when the girl is visiting.

Privately, I have been finding the situation quite difficult.

DD and I have always been close, but as she has entered her teenage years, parenting has become more challenging.

She has started to show typical teenage behaviours, such as some attitude, not listening and becoming more self-absorbed.

More seriously, last year she struggled with her mental health, including disordered eating and self-harming. We sought professional help, and although it was an incredibly difficult period, things did improve.

Then this morning, I noticed that she had love bites on her neck - and then helped her cover them up.

Part of me feels this is a phase. But, I don't know.

Aside from the above, she does well at school and has lovely friends.

How would you deal with this??

Honestly, I feel a bit lost.

This is very important, I'm sorry you went through that

It 's dangerous if people assume women can't hurt other women in relationships.. moreover it seems patronising to assume women are automatically soft and kind.

I think you've done the right thing. Keep being gentle and show that nothing has changed with your relationship

It could be good to explore some advice about talking to her about safe sex, if that conversation makes you anxious.

She’s 14, and lovebites are hardly massively advanced for her age. What exactly are you worried about with her having some sexual experience? If she’s having them with girls, there’s no risk of pregnancy and a significantly lower risk of STI. It didn’t escalate quickly, you said she had been spending a lot of time with this girl over months. Can’t see your average teenage boy waiting that long to make his move!

What do you mean, lack of boundaries? Supposing she’s having full lesbian sex, why is that an issue? What could possibly be the problem? Consent? Assault and abuse? Both much more likely from a boy than a girl. Although not impossible.

Why are you worried about her dating a girl? It’s really none of your business. And however ‘gently’ you questioned her over it, questioning her is not appropriate. She needs to feel safe to come to you, not like you’re watching her remove and she’s likely to be in questioned. If she comes to you, support her. Otherwise, be thankful her life will be probably be much easier if this is her true self.

I do not see relationships with women as necessarily easier and safer (except the issue of pregnancy) as the intensity and pain when/if things go wrong is much the same; and there are healthy homosexual relationships with two mentally stable people and also unhealthy ones where you would need to be keeping a close eye on her mental well-being, which is understandably your concern, given her history.

I think a few years ago - certainly when my now adult children were teens - when it would have been true to say that taking the path of homosexual relationships might have presented a bigger challenge in life than any of us would wish for our children; but that has now changed and I think you can cross that worry off your list.

This. The rate of domestic abuse (specifically rape, physical violence & stalking) in lesbian relationships is actually significantly higher than in straight relationships. It’s not just emotional abuse that can be a concern in lesbian relationships- statistically a lesbian relationship is more physically dangerous than a relationship with a man. It’s not all safety, cuddles and deep chats like a lot of people seem to assume

Intense relationships at 14 probably will burn out in a few months. Welcome the girl to your home, ensure they dont spend so much time together that schoolwork suffers and say as little as possible about it.

Why are you worried about her dating a girl? It’s really none of your business. Really??!! This is so Mumsnet... of course her 14 year old CHILD's situation is OP's business. It's called concern for her already vulnerable child, care, desire to be involved and to help her navigate her life - commonly known as parenting.

I have researched this issue and studies said to show significantly higher rates have been misinterpreted. I've done a short write-up on this which I'll post downthread.

Regardless,, abuse should never be written off as not a huge concern, no matter what kind of relationship.

Re the cuddles idea, I think that partly comes from some people who have an oddly desexualised view of lesbian relationships, hence overly playing down abuse risk.

While I agree the love bites seem to be a natural teenage progression (I’m not even sure they’re as intimate as kissing…), of course the OP should be gently questioning her child’s romantic relationships, regardless of what sex the partner is. It’s extremely important that OP shows interest, keeps an eye on the relationship and keeps communication routes open.

Specifically on the claim about rape, stalking and DV : this usually comes from the CDC survey which is US anyway and might not apply to other countries. This survey counted lifetime DV prevalence, but did not record perpetrator sex. Many lesbians have been in prior relationships with men. Surveys which DO record perpetrator sex tend to have roughly equal DV to hetero couples

I'd tell her that love bites are not they are not loving. The bloody hurt. It's really not pleasant and a bit immature.

I don't think dating a girl is a big deal. I think the same rules need to apply as if it was a boy. I'd have a lots of talks about consent. Doors stay open. I'd also educate her on STIs. She still needs to take precautions if she is going to have sex and limit her risk of transmission. I would educate her on what is avaliable for sex with both males and females. While you don't what it yo he happening. It will be happening whether you like it or not so it's better for it to be safe sex.

Personally I'd just treat the situation exactly the same as I would if she had a boyfriend. If its a phase its a phase. But it probably won't be. You have no control over it so just ensure youre supportive and accepting as you don't want to push her away.
It may take you a while to get your head round this but you need to deal with this privately without it impacting your daughter.
It might not be your first choice but remember that it's hers!

One of the things that sometimes helps at this stage is for you to guide them towards things to do together other than snogging (of which there will still be plenty!). I had to smile the other day when my teenage DGD was happily making biscuits with her boyfriend. There was something delightfully balanced about this. They were so relaxed in each others' company and enjoying a shared activity.

Maybe when the girl is there you could suggest things that they might like to do? It is good for teens to be doing stuff together. Offer to take them round the shops; to MacDonalds; get them to help with making supper; watch a film. It might go down like a lead balloon, but worth a try! Anything that reduces the intensity, even if only slightly.

I would think its a passing phase but would wonder why she's with a girl if she likes boys?

Bisexuals exist

Yes, because same sex relationships are traditionally free of strife and turmoil, aren't they?

Wow what a generalisation.... Because all girls/women are lovely innocent sweet beings... I have come across some shitty men on a relationship level but I've not dated a woman before to compare (only heard about it from friends that do and have all come across some duds themselves) but over my many years bitchiness, nastiness, conniving, vindictive, etc - list could go on - has only ever come from females. And not just in the playground, a lot of the playground mean girls go on to be even nastier adults.

Right from school days I always got on with the boys better, totally different dynamic.

@HippeePrincess well it’s fairly clear in the post. Daughter is becoming teenage. Attitude, being secretive, and now in a physical relationship . I’m not sure if you’ve gone through the teen stage yet, but it’s pretty easy to see how this would require some adjusting for parents, isn’t it?

It ought to be less worrying that this is a girl rather than a boy! There’s zero concern about pregnancy, and less risk of STIs, injurious domestic violence, etc.

Rookie error OP. You should have posted that your DD has a boyfriend. You’d have got lots of support and advice about how to keep her safe from emotional and physical harm. Instead you’ve got all the angry man-haters accusing you of homophobia, because you’re not having a party to celebrate your young daughter embarking on a sexual relationship.

There's no evidence it IS a sexual relationship, though.

Lovebites are not evidence of that.

Are you saying they're more likely to have turmoil?

If that's what you mean, why do you think that?

Lesbian relationships and marriages have a higher rate of divorce and domestic violence than hetero and gay ones.

I've debunked this a few posts before. See my post at 17:55 today.

Side note on gay male relationships. There is quite a lot of evidence suggesting that DV and sexual assault within the gay male community are quite underreported due to stigma re being a male victim, and added fear of homophobia from services. So while it may be the case that gay male couples have the lowest DV, there's much evidence to suggest it may not be much lower than any other kind of relationship.

On divorce, it's unsurprising that lesbian relationships would have the highest divorce rate since women intiate most divorces.

Gay men are much less likely than straight men to be in a relationship in the first place. So those who are tend to be a group that's especially prone to commitment. Moreover, around 30-50% of partnered gay men report being in open relationships, thus eliminating a major cause of marital breakdown since sexual boredom is being catered for. Both of these make them harder to compare directly to straight or lesbian couples.

Speaking from personal experience, and the experiences of people I know, I suspect the high divorce rate amongst lesbians is down to sexual boredom. It even has a name, lesbian bed death 🤣 I suppose that’s one downside to being in a lesbian relationship. The excitement tends to wear off quicker.