14yo DD - has girlfriend

[hellolightnessmynewfriend]

Over the past couple of months, DD14 has been spending a lot of time with a new friend. I knew this girl had previously been in a relationship with another girl, so I began to wonder whether there was more going on than just friendship.

About two weeks ago, during a car journey, I gently brought it up with DD. I asked whether she was seeing her, and she said that she was. She then asked if I was mad at her. I told her that I love her and that I support her no matter what. I also explained that we needed to set some boundaries, such as keeping bedroom doors open when the girl is visiting.

Privately, I have been finding the situation quite difficult.

DD and I have always been close, but as she has entered her teenage years, parenting has become more challenging.

She has started to show typical teenage behaviours, such as some attitude, not listening and becoming more self-absorbed.

More seriously, last year she struggled with her mental health, including disordered eating and self-harming. We sought professional help, and although it was an incredibly difficult period, things did improve.

Then this morning, I noticed that she had love bites on her neck - and then helped her cover them up.

Part of me feels this is a phase. But, I don't know.

Aside from the above, she does well at school and has lovely friends.

How would you deal with this??

Honestly, I feel a bit lost.

Love bites aren’t ‘hypersexual’ ffs

I think you might be mixing up a few things here. Of course it's sensible to keep an eye on becoming isolated from friends.

I wonder what is to be achieved by keeping the bedroom door open though? They are obviously finding ways/places to be intimate regardless of your rules about doors. Personally I'd be having conversations (that should have been had a long time ago) about consent, not being pressured into things she doesn't feel ready for, what constitutes a heathy relationship etc, and then leaving them to it knowing that they are safe in my house. And being thankful that she's not going to get pregnant!

I don't think many straight people have had homosexual experiences as a "phase". It's pretty offensive to have this taken as a phase...... Maybe she is experimenting maybe not..... maybe she doesn't need a label right now. I wish when I was growing up it was more acceptable for me to explore my sexuality.

I think it's great that she feels comfortable enough talking to you about it. I would support this relationship as you would a straight relationship. Keep that communication open so she can still speak to you if she feels she needs to about anything

You say you are a bit lost but you don't sound totally lost. Most importantly you are supporting your daughter, what you are saying makes sense as does putting up a few boundaries

She sounds like a typical 14 year old girl. They're all moody, secretive, hormonal to a greater or lesser extent.

To those who think same sex relationships can't be abusive, you need a reality check. My friend's DD was in an awful controlling relationship at 14/15. It took MONTHS for her daughter to break free & it was hell.

Just be there for her. Won’t be any different to getting her heart broken by a boy when the time comes.

It's really common for girls that age to think they are gay and have crushes on girls. For many it's a passing phase.
Often teenage girls have crushes on their female teachers but it is a phase.

This is not to say there are girls at 14 who are lesbians and will be forever, but as I say, for some it's a passing phase.

My first relationship was with a girl (I am a straight woman) - and it felt much safer than being in relationships with boys. Maybe it's like a training phase (sorry if I am being offensive to gay or bi people.. not an intention).

It is difficult when you begin to not know every detail of their lives. Self-harming etc is fucking shit and terrifying to deal with (but very common). Teenagers are brutal quite honestly as well as hilarious and joyful.

Time to start trusting the parenting you've already done on the girlfriend front and that she'll come to you if she needs to. You can't help how you feel about it being a phase - social conditioning is very strong and not as easy to go against as Bridgerton et al would have you believe - but do not say that to her. If she's struggling she won't want to admit anything that might prove to you it WAS a phase and won't come to you.

Hopefully the girl is nice anyway?

Apart from the moody teenage behaviour (normal!), I think it's really sweet that your daughter has her first girlfriend! It's a huge moment and really lovely. Of course with it comes different worries, over dependence, hurt that comes if they split up. With your daughters background with mental health too I imagine is getting you very worried.
Sadly cannot protect children against all of life and relationship ups and downs are very much part of life. All you can do is be there for her as much as you can when she needs it (let her know you are always there for her, no matter what) and give her some top class advice without being overbearing or overprotective. You're a great mum!

We've all been teenagers and we've all been your daughter in one way or another and it won't have been easy for our parents so we should be able to understand it won't be easy for you either. And whether people like it or not there are additional factors and elements of support to consider in same sex relationships. We're not in a place socially where nobody bats an eye, and there's the double dunt of potentially dealing with being fetishised both for youth and for being involved with an another girl. That's before you even start to get on to your daughter's personal mental health and previous difficulties and the fact she is also just a typical teenager.

So it's completely normal to feel the way you do OP and all you can do is continue to do what you're doing, keep the lines of communication and support open, and set fair boundaries.

i think its normal to be concerned when things happen out the blue. I would think its a passing phase but would wonder why she's with a girl if she likes boys?

I would also want the love bites knocked on the head. I know people who have used them as a way to try and assert control. They mark the other person as a way of saying they're mine, i don't like them at all.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. I don't think you do do anything different whether she's seeing a boy or a girl..I am a fairly laid back type about these things but I'd want the bedroom door left open with 14 year olds.doesnt mean they can't explore a bit but if it was a boy/girl you'd have no qualms.

It is very important that she feels like she can talk to you, so keep that up.

You'd feel the same if she was dating a boy, she'd be going through the same moody secretive teen thing if she was dating a boy, and being gay is perfectly socially acceptable now - her life won't be significantly harder if she decides she wants to exclusively be with women, it will just be different.

I love that young people are experimenting. Far rather this than her suspect she likes women but feel unable to act on it and get trapped in a shitty miserable sham of a relationship with a boy/man.

My son hasn't had a relationship yet - male or female. I KNOW I will freak out, whoever he brings home. I also know that I need to keep those thoughts inside my head and just smile and keep my heart and ears open for him.

It’s nothing to worry about, many teenage boys passing through adolescence often experience close same sex friendships that may include some physical sexual experimenting. For many teens boys and girls, puberty can be very a challenging time for them and for us, finding their feet as they develop and mature.

Your baby is growing up ❤

She sounds like a good kid... and of course at least she won't get pregnant!

Where did she get the opportunity to recieve love bites if you are asking her to keep her door open?

Her being a lesbian is no issue. Her self harm and ED are. Focus on getting her help for those. Having a supportive girlfriend may help her.

Personally, I hate love bites, always looks like someone marking their possessions.

I think all you can do is make sure she knows what a healthy relationship looks like [with either girls and boys] , that she's doing all the things she needs to do to maintain a healthy body and mind if she's had therapy and support for it and to try to keep things in perspective.

I’d be delighted - at least you don’t have to worry about pregnancy!

Hi OP, my eldest DS is gay. We probably realised this was likely from about the age of 11-12. That being said, sexuality is more fluid these days, so there is no certainty that things will not change for your daughter over the next few years. It really is not an issue if your child is gay or bi. The challenge as a parent is for you to adjust and be clear your love remains whatever her relationship preferences.

I don't think this is fair to put on op. I think it makes sense she should worry that certain things might be harder for her dd - not because of her dd being lesbian or bisexual but because she may have to deal with less open minded people and all the problems that come with that. Especially given that her dd has a history of being vulnerable.

I'm worried about her dating a girl (and not boy)

*I'm not homophobic!

Then what are you worried about, if you're not homophobic?

Isn’t it a sad state of affairs that when I saw the bit about eating disorder and self harm, my first thought was that she’ll be “non binary” or “trans” soon. Is she autistic? Online a lot?

But I digress. Treat it the same as you would if she had a boyfriend, as others have said. And get her some therapy for the mental health stuff. I’d be for more concerned about anorexia and cutting than I would about her being a lesbian.