14yo DD - has girlfriend

[hellolightnessmynewfriend]

Over the past couple of months, DD14 has been spending a lot of time with a new friend. I knew this girl had previously been in a relationship with another girl, so I began to wonder whether there was more going on than just friendship.

About two weeks ago, during a car journey, I gently brought it up with DD. I asked whether she was seeing her, and she said that she was. She then asked if I was mad at her. I told her that I love her and that I support her no matter what. I also explained that we needed to set some boundaries, such as keeping bedroom doors open when the girl is visiting.

Privately, I have been finding the situation quite difficult.

DD and I have always been close, but as she has entered her teenage years, parenting has become more challenging.

She has started to show typical teenage behaviours, such as some attitude, not listening and becoming more self-absorbed.

More seriously, last year she struggled with her mental health, including disordered eating and self-harming. We sought professional help, and although it was an incredibly difficult period, things did improve.

Then this morning, I noticed that she had love bites on her neck - and then helped her cover them up.

Part of me feels this is a phase. But, I don't know.

Aside from the above, she does well at school and has lovely friends.

How would you deal with this??

Honestly, I feel a bit lost.

My daughter introduced me to her girlfriend when she was 15. She is now in her 30s, married (not to her teenage sweetheart, although they remain friends) with children, and very happy. Her wife is a lovely woman and a welcome addition to the family. Sadly, you seem more upset that your daughter is gay, than anything else. Huge apologies if I have read this wrong.

'I don't want life to be difficult for my daughter - no parent does. With how last year went with her mental health, I'm on eggshells about things being harder for her. Also, it's just a bit to process, right?'

You cut this part out when you quoted op...
Surely this explains the worry she has?

Give the OP a break, she has just found out about all of this and is working out how she feels about it - that doesn't make her homophobic just not used to it yet...I'm gay and I've not taken offence at any of her comments.

I had a very similar chat with my DS recently, and for young people these days, being gay or bi is so much NOT the issue it was when we were at school, it is generally so much accepted that it's a bit "meh" to even see it as...anything other than completely straightforward...no pun intended.

But we're mums, of course we worry...it's in the job description, even if your DC hasn't just come through a difficult year. She'll be fine @hellolightnessmynewfriend just keep talking (when she's willing to/wants to) and see what happens with this girl, it may turn into something serious or it may last all of five minutes. Best of luck!

May be a phase, may be not. I'd go with the flow, keep the lines of communication open as far as possible.

At least her GF can't get her pregnant.

Teenagers and young people are massively more open to relationships with either sex these days. I think a straight or gay relationship can be equally as intense and encouraging your daughter to continue to see her other friends is the best plan (and do plan family outings, etc).

For what it's worth, over the past 15 years I've known several teen daughters of friends have gay relationships - and they've all become devout heterosexuals subsequently (I've been in a gay relationship for 27 years now, after being devoutly heterosexual until I was 40!).

Deal with what exactly?

You sound mildly hysterical.
Did you not read the actual post. DD 14 years old, love bites, teenage problems, mental health…? Hope this helps.

Why would life be harder for her if she turns out to be gay? It’s not the 90s! Also, lovebites aren’t exactly a huge jump from zero romantic experience to suddenly getting up to all sorts. It’s basically the first thing teenagers do when they start dating someone. As a gay woman I can tell you it’s bloody great being a lesbian. No chance of unwanted pregnancies, no creepy men (at least not ones I’ve chosen to let into my life), no judgement/different treatment or homophobia in my life for a good 10 years now. However, being a 14-year-old lesbian in the 90s was tough, and a large part of that was disappointment from my parents. It’s horrible for your parents to feel disappointed in you for how you were born and for something that’s a huge and important part of your identity. Please don’t be that parent. Don’t make a big deal of it and don’t put pressure on her to put a label on herself. Let her figure out who she is in her own time. If she does turn out to be gay, be grateful that she’s growing up in the 2020s, her life will literally be no different. Saying that, I know I will feel slightly disappointed if my daughter turns out to be straight, which looks to be the way things are going. I’m practising hiding it well though!

True but women are less likely to murder a partner and they won't be getting each other pregnant.

I don’t think you are homophobic at all. It’s massively disingenuous to think it’s inconsequential.

Sadly gay people still face abuse and hostility, direct and indirect discrimination so you are right to be a bit concerned about how your girl might deal with that given her past mental health problems.

You welcome 14 year olds having sex? Apart from anything else it's illegal and depending on the age of the other party rape.

OP, when I was 14, I had a massive crush on another girl at school. I always had close girlfriends and intense friendships (to the point that my DM once asked me if I was a lesbian) but I ended up married with children. Your DD might be gay or she might be going through a phase: either way, so long as whoever she is with is respectful and treats her well, there’s nothing to worry about. And frankly, there’s nothing you can do about her inclinations anyway. Don’t blow this up into something it isn’t, and above all, don’t let your DD think you disapprove if her relationship, no matter what are your private thoughts. Your DD is still well young, and will find her way through the minefield that is relationships as we have all done - all you can hope is that in the fullness of time, she will end up with someone she loves and who loves her, and that they make each other happy - and does it really matter whether that’s a he or a she?

It's not about being ok with it. It's that if that's what they want to do, you can't stop them.
Telling her to keep her door open just tells her you don't trust her. That's not going to help the situation in the slightest.
Have a conversation, trust her, and give her privacy in her own bedroom.

Make sure she feels that her girlfriend is 💯 welcome in your house. Give them space to watch films, have take away, whatever. Let them figure it all out but in the welcoming place of home.

I mean. She has a girlfriend and they are doing normal things that teenage couples do! I don't get the 'not shutting doors' stuff. For me the only reason I would care about teenagers doing sexy stuff is if one of them can get pregnant!

Ridiculous attitude, Gay teens can still not be ready to deal with a more serious relationships, it’s not all fine just because pregnancy isn’t a risk. They can still be pressured into things, feel uncomfortable, do things they’re too young for etc.

Hi OP! You sound like a great mum & I understand why you are worried.

If your DD does end up preferring women that doesn't necessarily mean she'll have a harder life. The UK is imo a good country to be LGB in. I'm bi & Gen Z myself & anecdotally no one I know has experienced homophobia from peer group. Obviously this does still exist & that's bad, but hopefully not a major problem.

I get also worries re having children but this wouldn't necessarily be a huge obstacle either - if that were the case.

That is true but most people in England are accepting imo, especially younger generations. The UK is one of the safest countries to be gay.

do you know what hysterical means? I would say the op sounds mildly hysterical, did you quote the wrong post hun?

Well if DD is straight it might be. We don't know of she will be or not.

I get your point re girls being safer & it's not offensive. It would be if you were saying lesbian relationships are ONLY a training phase, or that girls, but I didn't read your comment that way.

Otoh, it's important to not think lesbian relationships are automatically soft/safe etc. Yes,,girls are much less likely to be physically or sexually violent, but that doesn't mean there are no emotional risks.

Yes, but some kids will end up as gay or bi. It's not automatically only an experimental phase. Certainly relationships can be challenging but a lesbian wouldn't necessarily be any more so than a straight one

I wouldn't mind a child of mine being gay at all. I would mind them being in love bite territory already by age 14 though.

Yes, some will but an eye. But I do think overall the UK is pretty accepting of gay people.

Lovebites are gruesome imo. Op should make sure DD knows that potentially painful stuff like biting (or anything for that matter)should not be done if she doesn't like it .

Still hysterical.