Dd coming between us and I’m struggling

[timetogetherimpossible]

Dd (15) seems to be unhappy. Attention seeking and blocking me and dh having any time together.

It started about 18 months ago she wanted to increase a sports activity so we added a session to each week. She said can dh take her which was fine. I didn’t actually think much of it but in hindsight it was a clear preference and when I’ve offered she’s said no she didn’t want to go.

Then she started asking for other things , needed us to help a lot with homework. Starting asking me for lifts all the time saying she was tired couldn’t get the bus, didn’t feel well etc so I did it as obviously thought she wasn’t 100%.

It has got more and more intense. It’s become clear in the last 6 months that she is trying to separate us at all opportunities by needing one of us to take her somewhere or help with something.

Ds left for uni last year and we have recently changed work patterns so 3 morning a week we are both WFH. She won’t leave the house on these days for school will refuse as has actually said she doesn’t want us left alone together ??? I don’t understand where this has come from.

If we try to have a meal in the evening or watch a film she’s there saying can we turn it off and do her homework with her or saying how long will we be as she wants to talk about her sports sessions?

Im not sure what to do ? Is this some kind of phase ?

I think she’s heard or seen something about possibly trying for another baby.

I think this sounds likely. If the dynamics in the house have changed she might be basically trying to ensure it's not you guys v her, or trying to get assurance from each of you that she still counts without her brother. She might just be missing him. She might be afraid that it'll be her leaving home soon. Nothing about this seems particularly troubling as such, she's expressing a need in the best way she can. I would say you've don't the right thing by going with it. Lots of love and attention isn't ever going to have a negative blowback. Maybe find a way to show that you're a unit, a family, and it's not you two v her.

I think it's that she misses her brother and is therefore looking for more attention from her parents. This is not the time to be treating her like an unwelcome guest. She is your child, you are a family, not just a couple.

When your youngest is 15?
And the parents are likely pushing 40.

Of course that’s insane.

People panic when their kids get older because they think they’re losing their identity.

That's young people. Old people don't have sex just for fun in their minds 😆

I think this is really concerning, OP. I would be worried that either her dad is abusing her +unthinkable thought, I know, but it happens); that for some reason she has become convinced that one of you will harm the other; or that it's some kind of mental health episode she is going through.

I just can't see another explanation to this.

Speak to her, and if that doesn't get you anywhere, I would try to seek counselling for her fairly urgently? If you think she would talk to a counsellor.

I don’t really get people saying her dad might be abusing her. She is wanting to spend more time with him. Surely if it was that she would be avoiding him?
I did initially think she must have some irrational idea that one would harm the other but now I think it’s sex and babies she’s afraid of.

I agree. I was nearly 16 when my youngest sibling was born. There was very little time for me after that, pretty much at the exact time parents need to be really available. In fact, I felt I was used as an unpaid babysitter much of the time, with no value put on me as a person in my own right. What I needed was irrelevant because a baby's needs trump that of a 15 year old. I was left to make my own way home from nights out because df drank and DM couldn't leave the baby so I ended up walking home alone late at night, or staying over in risky situations (as did my 14 year old sister). It was grim and things happened that I would never want for my own child.

If this child is already trying to get her parents' to pay attention to her, then things will get much worse for her if they have a baby.

I think PPs are simply mentioning the possibility of SA “in case” or as one in a long list of possibilities, because sadly, it does happen within families.

Moving away from the situation in this thread though, it’s important to recognise that some young girls, who have never lived in a stable loving home, do not recognise abuse for what it is, therefore some victims still seek affirmation, contact and what they perceive as love and attention from their abuser.

Also SA, being very much about control, means that young victims are often coerced and groomed in to believing that their abusers actions are normal, so not all of them avoid or run away.

Since ds has left the family dynamic has changed op .
So depending on your was she a daddy's girl and your son a mums boy ? And now she's noticing that your spending more time with her dad and she feels pushed out ?
Or maybe it was always mum and dad and she had big nri as her person ?
Maybe she feels like the third wheel and she's just trying to find her place in this new unbalanced dynamic .

I think she knows

This is a really good point!

If you were very close to your son op, your dd may feel that her dad’s attention is now going to be redirected to you, instead of her. She may not even be doing it consciously.

Have you asked her?

You'd be surprised. A friend of mine heard her parents having sex, when she was around the same age, and thought they must want another baby. We're adults, of course we know that having sex isn't all about having babies, and yes by 15, some youngsters do grasp that, but not all. It depends on the OP's daughter's friendship group, not all 15 year olds are having sex, so therefore she might not know of anyone who's had/having sex.