Ok, I recognise this scenario op. I had it with my dd2, who later turned out to be autistic, but I am not sure if that is relevant or not?
Anyway, my thoughts on this are that, at its heart, it is anxiety based behaviour. Your dd is feeling a little exposed since her brother left home so she has commandeered the attention of the other male in the house… her dad.
Also mixed in to this family dynamic is a teenager challenging authority and trying to disrupt the established hierarchy. Playing one parent off against the other.
People don’t talk about this so much but there can be moments between parents and teens where the teen tests and challenges, consciously or unconsciously, their parents’ right to be in charge. And it can be a difficult period, especially if the parents don’t stand together and parent as a team. And especially if they just interpret this behaviour as a teen being deliberately obnoxious without exploring the reasons behind the behaviour.
I sympathise with you op, because it can come across as disrespectful and hurtful, especially if you are the parent being cut out, but ultimately this is a teenager being controlling in an attempt to make herself feel less anxious;
i. because she is worried about the future. being in this worrying twixt and between stage we call adolescence and she isn’t quite ready to quite grow up yet, but she also wants independence and freedom, and that conflict within her is scary and confusing
ii. because she is subconsciously testing her family foundations to see if they are strong enough, so she is safe to push herself off the rock and become an independent adult. She is testing your solidity as a couple too! And subconsciously creating a crisis to observe how you behave under pressure.
iii. because she feels everything is changing in herself and in her family life and she has had a glimpse of uni life through her brother, and what her future might hold, and because she doesn’t feel quite up to that challenge yet, part of her wants to revert back to being a little girl again to make herself feel safe
iv. because she is overwhelmed by anxiety and this manipulative and controlling behaviour focuses attention on her; just as it does when a toddler demonstrates a firm preference for one parent over another, so it becomes an effective cry for help!
So show her lots of understanding op and talk to her like pps have suggested, get her the help she needs to manage her anxiety, but at the same time, you also need to very calmly and clearly, assert your expectations about school attendance and put boundaries in place about who is in charge. It depends what stage her anxiety has got to, but speaking very generally, avoidance tends to entrench the behaviour even more.
So do what you can to encourage her to stay in school, even if that means you and your dh taking it in turns to sit outside the school building, working from your car all day , so you can be on hand at break and lunch time if she needs you for as long as that is necessary.
This is a crisis moment when she is doubting her own ability to cope with life and move forward and your role therefore as parents is to very calmly and kindly show her that she is capable of standing on her own two feet and she can trust herself. And part of building that confidence is facing fears and keeping promises to herself and other people eg to attend school when she said she would.
But in order to do that op, I think it would be good to get her teamed up with a licensed psychologist specialising in adolescent anxiety, panic disorder and agoraphobia, as it sounds like she could be in danger of developing all of those things.
Does your dd have a lot of stress on her at school atm? How are her friendships? What about eating, sleeping and exercise? Is she on her phone too much?
Talk to her gently op and find out what is going on with her. And brief your dh that you and he need to stand together as a team. Some dads revert to being a referee or piggy in the middle in these situations as they don’t want to lose their “favoured fun Daddy” status, and this only exacerbates the issue, so be clear that he needs to stand squarely by you op and he needs to make it unequivocally clear to your dd that he is backing you up.
Incidentally op, sorry to mention this, but the above only applies in situations where the man in the family is trustworthy and a good person. If there are problems in your marriage, or if you are being subject to coercive or controlling behaviour, or if there is any question of sexual abuse, or abuse of any kind towards you or your dd, then you need to seek outside professional help, separate from him.
I only say this because teenagers are sometimes the canary down the mine, inasmuch as their behaviour sometimes, but but not always, indicates that there is something wrong in the home.
Mostly though. it is adolescence itself that is the issue! Talk to your dd gently op and see what you can find out. Good luck 💐