15 yr old son has broken full length huge mirror

[sweetpea6002]

Hello
my eldest son kicked our full length huge mirror and it’s now broken. Heavy wooden frame, sits on living room floor and leans against the wall.

I’m so upset.

backstory…a screen time argument… my kid had been on the PS5 the whole morning, some of it with his brother. I asked him to switch it off and go for a walk or go outside for a while after lunch. He hurt his ankle a week ago and is supposed to be limiting walking to 20 mins. I suggested going around the block. I got told I am so controlling, other kids don’t have screen time limits, his life is so terrible because of this etc etc.
think I’m especially upset because yesterday my wing mirror got stolen whilst I was in the car, and I’ve had a parking ticket too. So a lot of costs when I’m finding it v hard financially atm.

I do think he should contribute towards the mirror getting fixed.

feeling v low.

any advice on how to move on? Thanks so much.

15 and he kicked a mirror and broke it? I don't think he should 'contribute' towards paying for it, I think he should pay for it.

Firstly calm down and take time. There needs to be a consequence but nothing will change if you issue it now or later. Yes, contributing sounds fine, it should be proportionate to his funds.

Sell the ps5.
Buy a new mirror.

Yes agree, he should pay for it in full.

Has he apologised? Definitely make him pay for a replacement. I think whether he was remorseful or not would decide on whether I would take it any further.

If he kicked the mirror out of frustration or anger then yes, there absolutely should be consequences. If he generally cannot control his temper when told to get off video games then I'd be taking it away

This.

You have my sympathy. I have a 15 year old too.

I do think he should contribute financially. Maybe 2 months worth of pocket money or something like this.

What else is going on in his life? I do know children must be on a certain "level" to keep up with their video friends. Some of them are terrified of falling behind.

I also think he should pay for a replacement. He kicked it.

Yep. Anything else will tell him he can be violent and destructive and get away with it. He's 15 not 5 he should be able to control his emotions.

You have a bigger problem than the mirror. Let everyone calm down and don’t do anything about it. Tomorrow (or when you are both calmer) talk about what happened and what was going on in his head and get him to talk through what he would like to have done / what you both can do differently next time. This is about screen addiction, your relationship, and not the mirror.

I know its not the point of this post, but how did someone steal your wing mirror?

The natural consequence here is that you are forced to conclude the PS5 leads him to be unable to control his temper. Therefore it needs to be packed away for 7 years and hopefully that will mean he does not suffer any additional bad luck 😉

I don’t think he should contribute, I very much doubt he’s much money and it’s a big punishment. I always took the time to talk to mine explain why it was an issue, and if it failed I’d ground them or similar. I think asking him for money is just going to make the whole thing even more acrimonious. I would say next time if it happens again he contributes.

but I’m also not sure I’d force an injured 15 year old to go for a walk round the block to be honest. I’ve hurt my ankle and I would not have liked it if I was told that. It’s fairly shit and I also don’t see the issue with him in his ps5 on a sat afternoon and wny he has to for a walk round the block

I’d never put a full length mirror in the living room that is simply sitting on the floor and leaned against the wall. It’s just asking to be broken and is really unsafe.

Don’t replace it unless you attach it to the wall.

As for your DS15 with the injured ankle, the 20 mins of walking is his daily limit. He will meet that just going from bedroom to kitchen to living room to bathroom during the day. You should not be sending him outside to walk around the block, that will hamper his healing from the injury. Screen limits shouldn’t really apply when someone has to stay off their feet due to an injury. If it were my ankle, I’d be binging Netflix shows with zero guilt. So I understand his anger and frustration.

I would certainly require he contribute towards replacing the mirror depending on how much money he gets via pocket money and I would involve him in the shopping and finding a good deal. I would also have a word with him about not kicking or hitting things when angry and what he can do instead when the feelings are that intense. Like would you be ok if he screamed into a sofa cushion? Or hit a cushion? Teens are known for their emotions being more intense due to hormones- big kids with big feelings. So by the time he is an adult, he will be better able to manage the emotions.

PS5 would be gone to pay for a new mirror if that was my son. He can save up for a new one in the hope it would teach him to treat other people's property with respect.

I appreciate we all have different approaches but I think this is totally mad. Talking to him gently about what you both could have done differently?? He could have not lashed out and smashed up your belongings, and could have listened to you. You don't have to negotiate with him it's your job to stop him turning into a violent adult man!

I guess it depends on how you see lashing out (all behaviour is communication) and how you view the best way to prevent someone becoming a violent man. I agree that’s what we are aiming for but fear and power and exogenous attempts to control someone seems like it might escalate rather than de-escalate the situation.

"by the time he is an adult, he will be better able to manage the emotions."

With respect this is naive/optimistic. Surely you are aware that there are grown men who respond to challenge or criticism with violence? Don't you think they learn those behaviours as teenage boys?

Funny how he didn't break his own stuff, isn't it?

Whatever happened in the lead up to breaking the mirror is irrelevant here really. You need to teach that young man that you don’t resort to any kind of violence when you’re pissed off. Nip it in the bud now - take the PS away until he replaces the mirror and engages in a serious apology / behaviour chat with you.

If he broke it in anger/on purpose which I presume he must have. Unless he was performing circus training and knocked into it?

Yeah he needs to pay for new one. It could've caused really serious injury or worse. So that needs punishing as well.

I agree, sell the PS5. If he is so addicted to it that he gets violent when asked to come off it and go for a walk, something is very wrong.

The PS5 would be gone in my house :)

Absolutely.