Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

I have a different experience with a child with autism and an intellectual disability but when he hit the teens we completely lost him. It's like the child we had was wiped clean and we've been crawling slowly back to a place where we can live again and it's taken 5 years. He's on anti-depressants and anti psychotic medication for 2.5 yrs and we're slowly weaning him off now as his behaviour has improved for the most part. We have life long care ahead of us and I don't think he will never not be challenging. When things were bad I would fantasise about driving us both into a huge truck. I really saw no end to the misery.

A lot of high functioning ASD children can manage in primary but once they get to secondary things fall apart for them. If you have ADHD you're apparently 1/3rd less mature than your peers. So if your peers are 15 then you are 10. But you are trying to keep up with everyone and everything that's expected of you and that's a massive struggle.

I have no advice for you as such but it sounds like your daughters needs are complex and she might need medication and therapy going from your post. I find they can give the medication but the right therapy is harder to get. Push for an assessment for starters as medication can level things out but it's still a long road.

When talking to her, never get angry, stay calm. Remove yourself from the situation if you're going to lose your temper. Always let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Say less, keep it simple. Reward good behaviour and give her choices and do not make demands.

I tell my son I'm going to do X later this afternoon / tomorrow, if you'd like to do it with me come along. It gives them time to process the request, and it's their choice.
Step it way way way back. Her life sounds so chaotic now, try to be the calm and for home to be the calm secure place she needs.

This is exactly what I've been thinking, I'd be very coconcerned about this man because OP you are a walking target for abusive men and you have a teenage daughter who doesnt feel like she can trust you, this is a recipe for disaster

Your posts show somebody in a lot of emotional turmoil. First of all, you need to take care of yourself, in order that you can care for your daughter. You are angry, hurt, in pain, and have endured a lot over the past few years. You need support, help, understanding, compassion. Someone to listen without judgement. Nobody can rescue you, but you need somebody to give you the space to work out how to rescue yourself.

I'd suggest a counsellor or therapist may be best here - somebody who is not emotionally involved. So maybe keep trying until you find someone who is able to offer you non judgemental listening space. You may have to shop around to find someone suitable.

Next, you can't keep making grand gestures of sacrificing your happiness for your daughter. That's martyrdom, and tbh still centring you.

Lastly:

I don’t put too much pressure. She does nothing round the house, has no responsibilities, I have to tidy her room or it doesn’t get done, gets to request what meal she wants every night, literally rules the roost.

Your daughter needs YOU to be the parent. You have to have rules, boundaries, expectations. You have to hold her to them, provide the container that she needs to feel safe. When a child is given too much power in the parent/child relationship, that's terrifying for them. They need to know that you are in charge.

Some useful articles here on how to connect and relate to your teen:

www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/early-teen

It may seem like a lot, but it's a bit simpler than it sounds. Connect, listen, hold space. Let her feel her feelings. Make sure you are getting support to feel your own.

Wishing you and your daughter all the very best.

If you want a relationship with your daughter you are going to have to put her first and pause the relationship with the new person. Do that, tell her you’ve done it because you want to rebuild your relationship with her and ask her what she feels she is missing from you. She wants to be the most important person in your life again

She isn’t going to be pushed out, he loves her. Tried every way to please her. Spoilt rotten.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, winds me up more than shit parents who claim that their child is "spoilt" when the reality could not be further from the truth. This poor girl has witnessed her mother in an abusive relationship, had to go and live with her Gran whilst her mum is admitted to a mental health facility, goes back to live with mum, shortly after mum gets new boyfriend, has trouble at school, has started smoking... All of this and she's barely even hit her teenage years.

Yet she's apparently spoilt rotten. No, she is not. She is a traumatised and scared young girl who needs her mum. And this new boyfriend doesn't "love" her. You've said yourself you keep them separate as she doesn't like being around him?! So how the fuck can he love her?!

yes this man is my dream. Everything I could ever have wished for in every way. I feel love for him I didn’t know existed.

For fucks sake. Open your eyes. This is how you're describing a man you have known two years (and don't even live with). And yet your CHILD (who is probably damaged beyond belief) is described as evil, deceitful and manipulative?!?!

Also, where is your daughter's dad in all of this?!

Much love to you
🫂 💐 xx

First you so sorry to read this post and hope you’re ok! I remember seeing a life coach a few years back as I was struggling with losing who I was and the first thing and probably most memorable bit of advice he gave was to put myself self and he explained that in any sort of emergency in life you are told to look after yourself first and that way you can then help others, being a parent is always hard especially as we typically prioritise our children and partners over ourselves but once I started to work on this and have my own boundaries things have changed positively. You deserve to be happy and in love and have a happy future.
Your daughter sounds scared and hurt and probably has some resentment aswell and if she wasn’t with you for some time she’s probably built barriers to protect herself from being hurt in the future.
shes also at an age now where they go through the difficult years and express themselves more which is good but don’t always communicate things in the right way. Deep down she will know that you love her but she’s probably over protective of you and doesn’t want to see you upset or hurt again and she’s probably scared of what will happen to her if things happened again.
my opinion is that you need to have boundaries and explain when she crosses the line and this is a fresh start, hopefully over time she will see you’re happy and she will understand as she matures aswell. Try and get her to see why your partner is great and how it’s different to before but also make sure that she feels included especially if it’s only been you two for so long.

Guilt on your part stopped you effectively managing bad behaviour when it started. She was traumatised and needed clear boundaries and a strong guiding hand. I think you felt guilty and that manifested itself as you letting her behaviour go unchecked. She now lacks boundaries and respect. It will be far harder to correct now but you should try.

All I do is be a mum

Rubbish. My mum DID used to go out. She would go on weekends away with friends, would go out for lunch with my aunties and grandma and would often to go to the theatre and book clubs. You can do all of that and still be a brilliant mum and put your daughters needs first.

You don't win any points for claiming you don't EVER go out🙄There is more damage and trauma to be had from your new relationship than from going out to brunch with some friends.

does that really make me so selfish?

Yes. You need to not have a relationship until you have repaired the one with your daughter. I don't care how hard it is.

I really don’t understand the timeline here, you say you and your daughter had 10 years alone, then you were in an abusive relationship for 2 years then you were hospitalised and she lived with her gran (for how long?) then 2 years later she’s 14 (ie now) but then in another post you said the abusive relationship was 4 nearly 5 years ago so when she was 9?

And the introduction of the new man was very slow and at your daughter’s pace but at what point during all this was it? if you were just being a mum and not going out anywhere, how did you met this man? At what point was she introduced to him and then his children?

Without knowing the timeline details it does sound like an awful lot has happened to your daughter in a very short space of time. It’s definitely the right thing to ask your new man to give you time and space for now and hopefully he will wait for you until you contact him again (that could be a year(s)/more depending on how things go with your daughter). I can see from your latest posts though that you understand the need for that, so that’s good.

How is your daughters relationship with her gran? Will she listen to her if she has a talk with her? If not is there truly no one else that your daughter has any time at all for? No teacher or friend or friends mum? If so I think that is really sad and upsetting for your daughter, she must feel so alone and is really playing all that out in a destructive way.

Have you suggested doing therapy together so that she can go with you and talk to the counsellor while you’re there? She might feel like she can get out how she feels about you and what’s happened to you both if she’s telling them and you at the same time?

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice regarding what are the next steps or agencies/people to talk to as I haven’t needed to deal with a situation like this but I do feel for you both, but mainly your daughter as she is truly the innocent in the initial trauma. I would focus entirely on your daughter going forward (no other distractions) and yes I agree with the other poster, don’t tell her she’s the reason you’re breaking up with the new man, maybe say something like you’ve realised you need to heal yourself and help her and you didn’t want to be distracted from that focus.

Good luck in moving forward, I can imagine you’re in for some hard times ahead but keep going with all agencies/help offered and keep reminding yourself of that daughter you had for 10 years and that you’re fighting to get her back. x

If this man is as amazing as you think and this is true love, he can be the equivalent of a long distance relationship and stay out of your life besides calls etc and rare visits that don’t involve her. It isnt extra love for her, it’s impending fear and the possibility of additional trauma.

Im a woman who was a girl who grew up in a horrifically abusive household. And I wonder when the shock of what I witnessed wore off would my behaviour have been quite challenging, I suspect it was, I grew up early 20s but I was a very vulnerable teenager who did do some wild things. Also horrible things, I was a serial cheat on boyfriends but due to what I’d seen and Im not minimising what I did, every single one of them was verbally and physically abusive. I was a wreck from what I’d witnessed, Im still utterly riddled with ptsd and struggle with my own mental health. I love my mum but I am still struggling to understand why she allowed things to become bad for me and still stayed knowing I was being hurt. Let it sink in that growing up in domestic violence situations is child abuse and children are removed from their parents because of the level of impact on them.
She needs help from you, not extra love from a new man you’ve fallen in love with.

You have put her through hell and whilst it wasn’t your fault your ex abused you, the choice to keep her and not send her to her grandmother or even involve SS and have her put into foster care was all yours, her future isn’t like her peers because
of her previous trauma and you’ve no idea how impacted she’ll be. She may come out the other side or she may genuinely be a lost soul.

I can tell you I have had a series of traumatic relationships, I've allowed men to hit me, I have had drug and alcohol dependency.
If you met me you’d think I was so normal, a nice mother of 4 lovely children, semi detached house in a nice area, nice husband and family dog.
I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation, I have part of the back of my nose missing from cocaine, I used to drink 3 bottles of a wine a night, Ive tried heroin and slept with more men when absolutely not able to give consent due to my level of intoxication than I care to think about. I was lucky, becoming a parent stopped my self destruct but that could have also tipped me the other way and I easily could have carried on the lifestyle I had and lost my DC.

You have no idea which way your daughter will go so to give her a fighting chance, put her and nothing before her. Talk, hold her, get some kind of therapy together.

me clarifying yet again he is gone, the focus is still on him!

What?! In the 2 hours since you first posted you've already broken up with him?! At 1am?!

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar your post sounds rational and helpful and you weren't putting her down for her past mistakes and choices she is making. You should 100% put your kids first, I hope she manages to keep keep things balanced. Have a lovely day xx

… but the OP says she had 19 weeks of assessment with the therapist -
that sounds very in depth,
often therapy can make things worse - especially when we are talking about BPD / EUPD -
and therapy that makes things worse can be very risky

I suspect that the outcome of the assessment was a particular type of therapy was found to be unsuitable but I bet there was a summary and recommendations of what the OP would be more likely to find helpful -
I did ask the OP what the details / outcome of this 19 week assessment phase was … but she did not respond !

THIS.
Plus from your OP she is potentially dealing with ADHA/PDD too.
You brought a man into her life who has left her with deep trauma, you being ripped away from her, leaving her home, you come back a different person and then introduce a new man into her life!!
Im not surprised she’s utterly fucked up!!
Poor Poor kid.
I know how much my DD struggles with ADHA/PDD and she has a stable home life with me and DH, her married parents.

You chose to have this child.
Why on earth did you get involved with a man -it’s horribly selfish.

She has said she will engage -so get her therapy asap and as much as she can get.
Put your relationship on hold. She needs to be the ONLY consideration in your life.
But, you won’t will you.
Women who jump into relationships with ‘the love of my life’ never do.
Can she go and live with her grandparent?

OP, you don't have to give up the love of your life. No matter how traumatised your daughter is, she has no right to ruin your life as well as hers. No one, no matter how much they have gone through, has the right to be abusive to another person. I think you should back off and put clear boundaries in place. Be absolutely clear about what kind of bullying and belligerent behaviour is unacceptable. Stop trying to win her round. Start with tough love - in the long run you're doing her a favour as one day she will have to move out and interact with other people.

You might also consider that your daughter's issues might not be exclusively down to trauma. People inherit genetic traits, and she may have some from her father. You are not the sole cause of her problems.

She doesn’t have ADHD/PDA. She has complex trauma from the shit show OP brought, and continues to bring to into her life. Do you honestly not see how badly you are failing her?

You keep going on about the first 10 years and how great they were. The thing is, you erased all those 10 years when you exposed her to domestic violence and mental health issues. What you should have done once you were better is start from zero and made her the priority and rebuilt a relationship with her from scratch. Instead what you did was rest on the laurels of the time before DV and MH, and started building a relationship with another man. It’s hardly surprising your daughter feels angry, hurt and lost.

She will take a very long time to be able to trust you again, in fact she might never, but you have to focus on building a life together with her before you even think about letting anyone else into it.

She should be your sole priority, as it's due to your issues she is this way.

I'm so sorry. I have a DD 15 who has been a bit difficult recently, but not with the combination of factors that you have described, and am finding it hard and unfamiliar. She is convinced I have been pushing her away (and want to) - from my perspective, I am not, but am doubting myself as it feels I don't believe her side.

There are 2 things I wanted to type: first, about the role of staying with Gran. Situation here is that either a Grandma or a close friend of about 25 may be able to look after my DD for a short while, that is, less than a week. I can't go deeply into this yet but my DD said something on the lines of 'I don't want anyone that doesn't live here, to be there instead - they move things, they (basically upset the secure norm to a disturbing extent).' After 10 years of one norm, it may be this that is really hard for her to feel non-anxious or optimistic about.

The second is that I would think that for a long time, she could be expecting whatever situation to all topple again, however positive it feels. In fact, the more positive it feels, and the more you feel it's working, the less she may trust it. That's how the last few years have gone. Unfortunately my own mum (and her sister) lost her dad as a child, in traumatic circumstances, and to an extent this has always been not far from the surface of her personality and was always there with a kind of childish halo around it when I see it, it's hard to describe. I don't think that you fix that, or that you personally would be able to - but both circling that possibility and seeing slowly that it doesn't always work out, noticing that it doesn't - might be something to investigate.

What are you on? It’s OP who has ruined her daughter’s life, not the other way around. She has trauma as a result of her mother’s poor choices. It 100% is OP’s fault and her responsibility.

I think you need to let go of the guilt. It will eat away at you and destroy you.

I don't think you need to let go of your soul mate. You have enough love for more than one person. Let go of the guilt and hopefully you and your daughter can start to heal.

Not addressed to you, so WTF off.

You've had a very tough time here so I'm just going to give some practical advice as this is what you asked for.

You said earlier you don't do special 1 on 1 bonding things because you don't want to reward her behaviour. I felt similarly when I trained to be a teacher, there was a 'naughty' girl who was being 'rewarded' with 1 on 1 time with the teacher. But she wasn't naughty, her behaviour was because she had unmet needs, attachment problems, needed to feel bonded and secure and safe. So that 1 on 1 time really helped. So try not to see it as a reward but rather as a treatment. Look up attachment disorder and how this is treated. Have this in mind in how you treat your daughter.

You also say you're encouraging and praise her, like if she does a full day you say well done, let's make it 2. To me that last part about making it 2 days ruins the whole thing. Basically she needs to know you love her no matter what, not if she does full days at school. Praise her for what she HAS done and leave it there.

As someone else says I'd take the pressure off, stop talking about how to improve, do 1 on 1 things and really show her she's a priority no matter her behaviour. This age is a really difficult time even if children haven't been through trauma. You're starting your bond again completely from scratch.

You call her evil and horrid here, although you SAY you love her and take responsibility, to describe her in this way...she will be able to tell that's how you feel. So you need to address your responses to her behaviour. You said you tried therapy but he said you weren't appropriate because of your memories? Sounds like not the right type of therapy. Look at CBT. Look at going private. Lots of therapists will give heavy discounts to certain clients so do contact them to ask. Have specific therapy to address your relationship with your daughter, in the context of what you've been through.

The partner, you say you only see him when she's not around but you also mention her coming in when on the phone to him. You say you'll end it but sounds like that will be difficult for you so just to be realistic here, if you don't end it it needs to seem like he doesn't exist from her perspective, including not talking on the phone to him or even texting him when she's around.

Basically she needs to feel like your number 1 priority by your actions, it's not enough to say it. That you love her unconditionally. That you are there for her no matter what. You empathise. This will take time. Keep going. Show up day in day out in your actions, not just words. And don't give up on her.

in what way does introducing another man and his children benefit her at all? She’s witness abuse, been sent to live with her grandmother, now has her mother back but you admit you’re not the same woman you were. You love this man, she doesn’t and doesn’t have to. She doesn’t want step sibling's, all perfectly normal. You say he loves her? I doubt it, why would he? People don’t just ‘love’ their partner’s teenage children. Aside from which, she doesn’t want or need his love. What she wants, and meeds, and deserves is the full attention and care of her mother who wasn’t able to be there for her in the past. Your daughter isn’t spoilt rotten. Shes traumatised, been subject to domestic abuse and her needs are now being subjugated to your desires.