Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

Don't take the harsh posts as an attack.

Posters are just highlighting things that your mental health made it difficult to see or understand. Mental health issues are a bitch and skew your way of thinking.

Engage with every support available to you and your daughter. It won't be quick or easy but hopefully you can both find a way back.

The specialist involved will have the experience and tools to help you both.

THIS 💯- your posts sound very “me, me, me” and whilst you say she is your number 1 and acknowledge the damage done you are also painting her out to be a evil madam who is ruining your chances of happiness. If it is really “meant to be” with this new man he can wait - or is bringing new kids into this situation what is driving you?

To be brutally honest you are letting feelings rule the roost. You should be making logical / thoughtful wise decisions based on facts, wisdom , common sense …. Not decisions based on feelings driven by sentiments like “ evil” or “ soul mate”. These are ridiculous sentiments and will drive extreme and difficult behaviour.

you keep saying does no one understand the feelings…. Yes we all do but we all understand that feelings are only part of the picture and the brain needs to be involved.

OP, I really hope you can get some mental health support yourself, as the issues with extremes in relationships and emotions are coming through really strongly in your posts. The way you talk about your partner is extremely idyllic and very all or nothing. It’s either you get married and have babies and he supports you both forever and ever, or it is over and done. Where is the middle ground where you continue seeing him when his shifts align with her school days?

I'm sorry, but I think her acting out when you are on the phone to him is a clear example she wants you to herself. Please put your relationship on the back burner until she is 18. I'm sorry to be so harsh. I am a lone parent with one daughter who also spent a considerable time away from her in hospital so I really can empathise, but a relationship is not ideal at this point. If you can't stand to be away from him then see him on the sly when she is at school.

I don't think you have to give up your relationship with your partner, OP. Making yourself miserable and resentful isn't going to help your child.

But not as a blended family. Not as part of your daughter's life. Your relationship with this man doesn't have to involve your daugher or their children. They are separate things.

Yes the OP has mentioned babies with the new man.

I have BPD due to my mum and dad. I was exactly how your daughter acts, because my mum finally left my abusive dad, didn't recognise I had complex issues and was out partying every weekend neglecting me. Very possibly your daughter feels second best to your new man and his kids. Leave him, focus on your daughter. My mum did the exact same with men after my dad, would have 1 move in with us for a year or so then he'd leave and another would come. Sorry but it's extremely traumatising to go through. You gotta prioritise your daughter before she's too old to care about repairing what's left of the relationship. I'm no contact with both my birth parents and I wouldn't ever speak to them again. Won't even be at their funerals, so do with that as you will.

This Guy isn’t your saviour. He can’t fix everything for you or her. Try not to pin your hopes on anyone from outside coming in to fix this.

The only thing that will help right now is making your home as calm and safe as possible for you and your DD.

It’s going to be really hard for you, but she needs all your love. It’s terribly sad that you both had such an awful time, but you want to move on so quickly. She needs your life to be about her and her safety, as it should always have been. You don’t just need to be a good mum now, you need to put in everything she missed while you were ill. Obviously that isn’t possible but she needs to see you try. Focussing on a lovely man isn’t trying. Sorry.

Haven't read the whole thread but OP on the offchance you see this and it hasnt been mentionned- if you split with this guy to give your daughter stability etc- do not tell her why.

Just say it wasn't working out and no more than that. Say youre not going to date for foreseeable future. Keep to it. But dont let her think this is something you did because of her. It will give her too much power and responsibility- for someone who is struggling thats too much to cope with. And never, ever throw it in her face that you split up with the love of your life for her. After everything she's been through, she needs calm, not extra emotional demands.

Also to add I have Cptsd, bpd, major depression and anxiety disorder. Your daughter needs you alone, if you can't give her that let her grandparents have her. I'm sorry but you are choosing yourself and your wants over your daughter. Take it from someone with BPD , you are idolising this man and thinking he's the answer to all your problems. The answer to your problems are getting sufficient help for yourself, giving your daughter all your focus and spare time and energy. Also a 14 year old isn't evil, she's traumatised because of YOUR decisions which she had no control over. Yes you couldn't predict he's abusive, but you were the adult in the situation and how do you expect your daughter to now feel safe with another random man in her life when that happened so recently?

@Chel14 dont sacrifice your life for your DD. Keep your BF but keep him distant to her.

Talk to the GP about hypnotherapy it might not work because she resists but it's worth a shot.

Also share social media posts - I follow Gabemartinelli. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1083662423214419/?mibextid=AVBFy39gCzeZnCNl

Your DD is at a difficult age. She will change as she matures.

Stop apologising to your DD about your own illness.

Carry on reinforcing you are there for her. You are going nowhere. You love her. Everytime she is horrid, tell her you love her.

Godspeed x

OP people have tried and tried but you still don’t get it. She isn’t purposefully hurting people - she is hurting herself.

All of her hurt and trauma and pain is coming out on her hurting other people to make them feel the way that she does inside.

As an analogy - she was this beautiful vase and your ex keep chipping away at it and damaging it and finally dropped it and it shattered. She can’t pick up the shattered pieces - it’s too hard and difficult for a child. And now as she tries you have asked another man to hold that vase. It doesn’t matter how much time he is around or spends with you - she knows you are with another man and the last time that happened she was destroyed. Her teenage brain through all the trauma can’t separate the two. A man in your life no matter how lovely or not involved means trauma, pain, abuse etc. It isn’t him specifically but the idea of a man in your lives that has mentally created this for pain for her.

You were abused and traumatised and that is super hard too - no one would wish that on anyone. You need to create a word with loving boundaries for your daughter - stop bending over backwards through guilt and doing whatever she wants. You aren’t her friend you are her parent.

Also I don’t know many teens that keep a clean bedroom and help loads around the house etc. Thats just the age.

Do things with her that are positive and will create positive time together rather than it just being negative.

Sit her down and explain (without making it about you or getting upset) that you are worried about her and you love her but things are going to change. Then clearly lay out loving boundaries.

I completely understand you are a victim and traumatised but you are only seeing this from your point of view. She is hurting. She is in a world or hurt and needs you to love her unconditionally - without others involved. You have entered a new relationship for you and no matter how great that was for you it wasn’t for her. Your words her are about you being a victim and not understanding why she can’t be happy for you or why you can’t have what you want. This has manifested itself into her awful treatment of others.

Seriously think about as a ten year old what that would do to your mind all that trauma and then fast forward to teenage years. You could see this coming a mile off.

Tell her you love her everyday and that you are trying your best and then again set loving boundaries. Do nice things together. Get yourself counselling abiut how to deal with all this even if she won’t go. Your mental strength will only help her. Good luck.

The only examples you give are of her being a moody teen or about you having your magical love. So as far as anyone here can see you’re blaming her and using awful words about her when there doesn’t even seem to be any extreme behaviour. (And again, with her going through this trauma I would expect her to be still struggling)

Forgetting about the new man completely, what you need to do now is show your daughter that you can and will be her rock going forwards. That no matter what she does or what happens, you are there for her and will always be there for her, unconditionally.

She is playing up to test you (subconsciously) and see whether you get rid of her if she's not good enough. Show her that is not an option. Show her you aren't going anywhere, and that you will wait this out. Show her she can count on you.

Don't expect quick results. She needs time, and consistency.

I remember reading someone who had been in care. He said the first thing he did when he arrived at a new home was trash his room. If his carers kicked off, he escalated to the point where the placement failed. If they sat down and asked him why he had done that, then maybe there was a chance they might be there for him when he needed them.

Be there for your daughter. Keep asking her why she's doing that, and trying to understand. Remember that you unfortunately modeled self harm for her at a critical point, so self sabotage is something that she will be drawn to. Understand her. Wait it out.

It's going to be tough, but then there is a major injury to heal there. There will be scars. But you can do this.

I've been with my dh for 35 years and he is a great man. Alongside our dc he is the light of my life but I would still not describe him in the way you have your new partner, it sounds so love-struck, this way of thinking about someone has no longevity.

I am sorry that the only way to realistically bring this situation back on an even keel is to give up your relationship with this man but it really is the only way atm. My dh's brother has had an almost identical life to yours but he continued the relationship with the woman he had put up on a pedestal. The relationship has long since fizzled out and he is now left with 3 adult dc who have nothing to do with him and one has basically gone on to repeat history. She has had awful MH issues as a result of her upbringing.

For the sake of your dd please end this relationship and only start another once you and your dd are on solid ground again, it could take years but it's your only hope. Unfortunately, once we become parents these are the sacrifices we have to make. I have made several painful ones for the sake of my dc's welfare (I too have MH issues).

Poor kid. The amount of women who subject children to utter shite so they can have sex. It's just so depressing. I like to think women are more children centred than men. That the world would be a better place if we had more women in charge. Then I read threads like this. The absolute entitlement of it, thinly veiled in victimhood "don't I deserve to be loved wah wah".

I hope to God if anything happened to my OH or we divorced, I'd have the strength to actually put my child first. Maybe Id 'date'.... Maybe Id have nights away. But I hope id have the wherewithal to know - absolutely - that my child would be better off without another man and potentially that mans kids in his life. But Jesus the amount of women who seem perplexed at the idea that landing children with men (sometimes abusive men) ends badly is shocking.

Why can t your kid just accept the extra love. Get a grip!

This.

This is all very intense.

@Chel14 I understand how you're feeling and acknowledge how incredibly difficult you're finding this. You too have been through hell and now you've finally found happiness, you're faced with giving it up. Additionally, you're worried to distraction about your daughter.

I was surprised when reading this thread how compassionate the replies you had were. You asked for "brutal honest " advice and it wasn't until page 3 you got the brutally honest part...That was in reaction to your feeling upset & emotionally triggered by the replies and starting to lash out.

First things first, your daughters behaviour sounds appalling and I recognise your reports about her lack of empathy and intentional verbal cruelty.

• 14 year olds don't understand the weight of their words or behaviour

- she's fighting back against the world, her experiences and her past by using the tools first available to her - this doesn't make her evil, it makes her lost - and I think you know this because you say you know how wonderful she really is

The thing about anger, lashing out, behaving badly and being mean is that makes a person feel in control - not to be confused with controlling It feels empowering.

After huge trauma and so much happening out of her control, she is now naturally acting in a way which empowers her. This won't be a conscious choice, she's only 14. She can't really help how she's acting (which is reacting).

There is a lot of emptional dysregulation in her life, both good and bad. As well as all the trauma, there is intense love, intense need, intense desire...this makes for intense pressure. Her behaviour is her trying to regulate the emotional highs of her home life as much as the trauma

Not her emotional highs, yours. I'm not condemning, or judging, you're not a bad person. But she is isn't equipped to deal with them. I'm not sure you are either - few people would be.

Others are right that your partner being in your life is part of the problem, but it won't magically get better now you've broken up with him (how did he take it BTW?) Her teenage years are going to be rough.

Reading these replies, you need to take a step back from the emotional reaction you feel. Put it to one side. This would be hard for anyone btw but you need to see people aren't being nasty, there is a lot of practical advice.

I'm not clear on what happened with your therapy assessment? DBT is a good call - you need help with emotional regulation as well as support to heal and deal with all this.

No you're not a bad person for falling in love with a wonderful man and wanting to find a way to help your daughter without giving up the relationship. You're not a bad person at all.

I do think that the intensity at which you experience emotions is getting in the way however and that you can't help your daughter without getting help & support for yourself to manage these better.

If you genuinely believe this you are delusional.
He is just a man, who you've only been with for 2years and you're behaving like hes a messiah. Sorry but grow up, your poor poor daughter, you havent considered her at all, why on earth get into a relationship and why keep saying this will benefit her, theres nothing in your posts that would benefit her

This sounds really hard. Have you heard of Shifali Tsabary? She is an American psychologist who has written books, does lots of podcasts and things. She does talk about parenting teens. She takes a really understanding approach. Sounds like your daughter is in a really bad place at the moment. Have you spoken to her openly about all of this? Sat down and told her- I was unwell, I feel so guilty about that, it wasnt your fault, im so worried about you, let's make a plan? All the best xx

@Chel14 if you're still here.

Firstly, remember that a significant proportion of people on Mumsnet are strange individuals who seem to genuinely love telling a poster who is struggling that whatever they do is wrong. They love putting the boot in; I've been here 20 years nearly now and seen this tendency grow. So look carefully at the tone of the posts - are they genuinely tough love, or is there a wish to hurt behind them?

Secondly, few people have walked your path. Some, but not many. So some people will try to give advice and it's genuinely well meant, but it's not applicable in your situation.

Okay, to your actual posts.

I think you need to stop and think very very carefully about this man in your life. He is not automatically a bad thing. You, yourself, in dealing with a child who is acting in such an impossibly difficult way need support and love and care. If he really is loving are caring, to break up with him would remove a support that actually can help you in your dealing with a young teen behaving in a very difficult way.

I think you need to consider carefully and rationally if he really is as good as he seems. Does he 'ring true'? Can he be manipulative; is he suggesting ways to make your life better, or do his suggestions somehow make things worse?

Do you have outside, honest friends/professionals who can give you external feedback whether he is a good thing or bad for you?

I think a reality check here is a good thing. If the feedback, external and from yourself, is that he is positive - keep him. If not, then break up.

With your daughter, my heart goes out to you. My autistic older son was hell, although in a different way. (my second is coming up to puberty and I'm honestly wondering how to survive it - not a joke). Not only do you have the extreme events of the last four years you have hormones and puberty and school problems in the mix.

I think you need more help than you're getting but where can it come from? This may be it.

You need, absolutely, to keep firm and consistent boundaries and to keep on being loving. Despite all the hell that will break loose when you try to enforce boundaries, it is essential to give her an underlying sense of security, and in fact something to rail and fight against, to allow her her very considerable distress.

If she has shut you and everyone else off at the moment I think you have to accept that for now. She can only come to you at her own time. Are there any adults at all she can talk to? Teacher, out of school person? Having just one (and it won't be you) can tip the balance.

Beyond that you must take care of yourself. She's going through hell, but your own mental stability is vital and dealing with a beloved child going through this takes one hell of a toll on you. Do everything you can to keep yourself going, and yes imo if your partner is a genuine good one, that means his hugs and support too. It can make a world of difference.

One thing the posters suggesting you break up don't seem to take into account is that having a (genuinely constructive) partner is something that actually, will keep YOU going. Because you have your own mental distress and then you have to deal with this. You can't give if you're running on empty and if you end up destabilized and back in hospital it would be catastrophic.

As far as you possibly can, stay calm. Breath calmly through your nose. ~Try~ not to react strongly - the more you react the more the situation can spiral. Harder to do than to say! Keep in mind, always, that you are the adult and she the child and you can control your behaviour better than she can. Don't get drawn into shouting matches.

Keep suggesting things to do once or twice a week. Not all the time, that would be overwhelming. Keep talking about homework - she will reject it, but underneath she will know that you are still concerned and caring.

If you can endure these years then she may well come out the other side. There's going to have been damage, as you know. But there may be enough stability for her for her to come through and build, if you can keep a loving base solid enough.

It may be that in 4 years you will reconnect (a long four years). It may be that the damage has been too big and it takes longer. Possibly a long time. But if you can stay strong then the chances of her coming through are higher.

Right now school results matter a bit, but providing a solid base matter more. You're doing the right thing by praising her for a good day, though it might help to say 'that was a good day' and not say 'lets make it two'. Count each good moment for its own worth at the moment.

Small but pragmatic note - eat healthy, don't drink much alcohol, and if you can try to stay fit and try to sleep okay. Hard to do again, specially the sleep!

From my heart I wish you the best with her.

This made me sad, your therapist has failed you here. You need a therapist who understands trauma properly. I have had 5 years worth of trauma therapy and still can’t remember stuff. Other people tell me things that happened but I have no recollection. I probably never will remember! It’s our bodies natural coping mechanism, but it’s definitely no barrier to the effectiveness of the sessions. The therapy has changed my life!

I’m sorry you’ve also been through this. It’s truly a life altering moment isn’t it ♥️

your therapist has failed you here.
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