13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

How might she be pregnant? You said she was on the pill. You’ve handled the whole situation extremely badly

Why are you so focused on pregnancy when she’s on the pill?? It’s all “she might be pregnant” - there is very little evidence to support this. You’re making this all about you, like it or not. You’ve handled this incredibly badly and insensitively. Talking about a 13 year old child throwing a grenade in your perfect little family rather than safeguarding her.

Pull it together, respectfully.

It is a sort of a big deal a 13 year old vulnerable (virgin) girl having sex with a vulnerable 15 year old (virgin) boy. However, the way OP has reacted and treated her daughter is a much bigger deal

If this happened on Friday a pregnancy test will be no good yet

If it wasn’t for your debt you’d walk away from your young daughter ??! Sorry but 🫤

The boy is also underage, she had sex with someone underage too, so who is the criminal?

If this happened on Friday get the morning after pill just incase. How do all the school know she might be pregnant?

I haven't read the full thread just the two posts from the OP. Is this even real or is it just me?!

I have a child who is pretty vulnerable and do sympathise but honestly you need to take a deep breath.

Please calm down. It's not the end of the world and you can safeguard her going forward. She is a child - you must not let her see you angry and upset.

They have 'grown up' a lot faster these days.. I blame the internet, chat groups and the use of those being a lot easier to heap on the peer pressure, but am prob talking rubbish as to why!

Loads of us, even though we may have waited longer ourselves and felt nowhere near ready for relationships and sex at 13, had frank discussions about sex with friends at school and later as young adults and so we know that many kids do start having sex this young and still grow up into successful young adults in healthy relationships. It’s not the majority of young teens but it’s not that uncommon either.

This.

With bells on.

It was happening in the 60s.

You don’t sound like a great parent to be honest.

Of course her insecurities are in her head, where else would they be?

You are completely overreacting. How is her having sex causing your family to fall apart. How dramatic. I’d be absolutely devastated in your position but I can’t understand why you are making her actions all about you.

She won’t be pregnant if she taking the pill properly. Again with the dramatics.

I would be more concerned that the 15 year has been manipulative in order to have sex.

Whilst I appreciate the shock and upset, I’m afraid all you’ve likely done here with your reaction is cause her to retreat and no longer be honest/open with you. You have highlighted yourself the difficulties she has had with her MH. She is 13 and navigating a new relationship and all that comes with that. She needs guidance and understanding. That doesn’t mean you have to condone it but clearly she is needing help here. You have now surely made yourself an unsafe place to provide such help.

Wow. Well done for ensuring she never confides in you again 👏

It's not great of course, but she is not the only one to have done this and probably not the only girl in her class and year. At least she told you, not many parents would have their child confide in them like that.
There is a lot of pressure around that age to have sex. The thing is, a lot of people say they have had sex, boast about it at school, but in fact lie about it and havent done it at all. Being vulnerable, she has got swept up in trying to grow up and the boyfriend sounds like he is not in a good place himself.
She is only three years away from being legally of the age of consent and people do start to experiment at this age. If she has poor mental health and poor self esteem then its all too easy to end up doing stuff that you regret like this.
I think you need to bring her closer to you, pushing her away will send her straight into the boyfriends arms and she will keep searching for belonging and find an even worse boyfriend and bad company.

This is definitely not the case for all teens. I was brought up in the 90s in Hull and believe me there were huge numbers of 13/14/15 year olds who were basically mini adults. Many were in ‘relationships’ with grown men. My friend was sleeping with a man who lived in a homeless hostel when she was year 9.

I live in a more middle class bubble in the south west now and, of course there are some girls who look and act older but in my personal experience children are younger for longer, parents are more involved in their children’s life and more teenagers are aware that grown men trying to sleep with them is a massive danger.

Teen pregnancy us actually the lowest it’s been in a long time.

No. H2h

I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

No wonder she came back at you with that comment. How hurtful for her to be told by her own mother, the person (or one of the people) who should love her unconditionally, telling her that your relationship with her has completely changed. I don’t blame you for being upset, I would be upset but you’re behaving like she’s done this awful terrible thing just to spite you and ruin your life. She didn’t do anything like that. She made a poor
choice and didn’t think through all the consequences. She’s 13. Please calm down and repair things with your child and find out asap whether she is in fact pregnant.

OP i say this with kindness as I know you are upset and this is not what you wanted for your daughter. But she needs you now more than ever and not made to feel ashamed by her own family.

Ive never fully forgiven my mother for the way she reacted when I had sex at 15, going nuclear and screaming at me in a STD clinic. Looking back I can see I was actually raped but the shame and blame by others will stay with me forever.

Please remember she’s only 13 and the boy is only 15. You really cannot place adult expectations on them. If the kids at school know, it may be brutal for her and she will need your support.

I understand the shock you’re in. However you’re very much focused on pregnancy rather than the emotional repercussions.
Both kids sound troubled, I don’t think blaming the boy is fair, unless you know your daughter wasn’t in full agreement too in which case this is a hugely different scenario.

She needs to know you support and want to help her to even if you don’t approve of her decisions. Otherwise she will never tell you anything. Do you have any friends to chat to. Or can you consider counselling for you to help to deal with all of this pressure.

I haven't seen many posters saying it isn't a big deal, they're saying the way mum has responded to this very big deal is totally wrong and made the situation so much worse!

Mum has made this all about her, made it clear to her daughter that's she's practically broken the family up, doesn't seem concerned about the impact of this on her dd beyond pregnancy, is totally all about how she will look in all of this. Very much like my mother would have been.

Yes it's a huge deal, and yes the mum is totally valid to be feeling like her world has exploded what is absolutely not ok is passing these feelings on to a vulnerable 13yo who needs to be safeguarded and protected and looked after.

100% where my head went (as an auDHD mum to auDHD kids).