13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

I'd be gutted if I found out my 13 year old had had sex. But the way you're talking...

thrown a grenade into the middle of our family
I told her this is going to complete change our relationship
her family is falling apart

Seriously op, get a fucking grip. YOU are the problem here.

This is really a textbook way not to deal with this situation.

If she is on the pill it’s extremely unlikely that she will be pregnant. When I was 13 two of my close friends of the same age lost their virginity (I was years later!) and they grew up into brilliant, functioning humans. It’s a bit shocking but not the end of the world if she has support around her x

100%!!!

I’m sorry but you told your vulnerable 13 yearbooks who over dosed a year ago with mental health issues that your relationship woukd never be the same and that your family is falling apart because she made yes a wrong choice and had sex. She came to you and this is your reaction ? Despite knowing her background.
I can see why this might of happened

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

it takes 2 to tango.

Also, are you surprised that your daughter struggles with her health? You have a child who has had poor mental health since 6/7 years old, who took overdoses before and has body image issues which you state are “in her head”

All of that makes her more susceptible to being pressured into sex as a result. He basically resonated with her biggest insecurity?

So just ask yourself logically, stripping all of your emotions out - do you think your reaction has helped the situation, helped her health, or improved your relationship/built trust?

Just imagine how different the situation could have been had you responded in a rational manner. You could have even just encouraged everyone to sleep on it and had a conversation when you calmed down instead of reacting in the moment. Your style of parenting, isn’t the sort of parenting that suits her needs but rather aggravates them.

it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her
shes 13, this is a really weird thing to say. Are you blaming her for your debt?

I wanted to see him, wanted him to see the devastation on our faces that he played a part in.
the kid is 15 with no stable family or home. It was obvious this was going to happen because he was looking for love and a connection with someone. I understand you’re angry but can you not see that this is a vulnerable child too?

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday
Why

she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family.
Id probably be more worried about why my 13yo had sex in broad daylight with a practical stranger and no protection, and how she feels about it than how it affects me.

she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart
the family is falling apart because she had sex? That’s very odd. That a lots of responsibility on a 13 year old to behave correctly to not tear the family apart.

I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.
shes probably pretty hurt and lashing out that after all the work she’s put into your relationship this year, and how she trusted you with this information, you said this. Why would your relationship change because she had sex?

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant
why does everyone know? How does she feel about that? Have you asked her? That seems fairly traumatic.

why do you keep saying she might be pregnant? Have you ever used the pill before?

and you’re saying you could walk away from her? It all just seems very dramatic and like she’s getting a lot of blame for a lot of things op. Your post comes across like you don’t actually like her. I think it’s normal to be horrified at this situation, but your reaction really indicates you could do with some mh support too, to work through your own anxieties and relationship with your dd.

No boyfriends or girlfriends until university. It is not necessary from a young age, and can in many cases be disastrous and distracting, especially around exam times.

My parents had that rule with me and I have the same for the dc.

I was very grateful for the easy excuse to get out of relationship peer pressure at school. I could concentrate on having fun with friends, going to clubs and my school work.

I don't understand why you suddenly turned on your daughter and had a go at her. This is all your doing, you brought her up to think a 15 year old boy from a foster home was a suitable boyfriend at 13. To her you seemingly condoned it then suddenly revoked that. Her anxiety might be from a lack of security and boundaries at home, you certainly didnt respond in the manner of an emotionally mature adult.

Children don't grow up or develop their values in a vacuum.

You are the parent in this situation. I think you need to take a step back. Yes she is being careless, thoughtless and mean but though reckless she is new to all of this. Sounds like there is some level of peer pressure and she is too young to know how to handle it.

Sit her down and have an honest chat. At this stage it is all about showing how you can fix the fractured relationship so she feels able to turn to you again. If left, she will just hide things and the grenade you talk about could be a lot worse. I agree with the previous poster that the hand grenade was yours to throw. You panicked and reacted badly, now it's time to explain that to her.

All of that aside, if the boy isnt a good influence, you are going to have a job keeping him away. That's also why lots of honest conversations will help her understand about consent and good choices etc. It sounds like she is unlikely to be pregnant but STI screening could give her a bit of a reality check too.

Teens are selfish. They don't mean to be but they are. You're doing the best you can with the tools you have but please don't assume she alone is that problem. I hope it gets easier for you all x

F me can you imagine how crowded Mumsnet would be if we all thought we "may be" pregnant by being on the bleeding pill?! Geezus.

your reaction to your daughter was absolutely horrific. I’m not sure if you can put right the damage you’ve done. You need advice not from us. First start with an apology. Poor poor girl.

You have completely overreacted here OP. No, its not good she had sex (if that’s true, which it may be or maybe she’s trying to antagonise you). But you are the grown up here, and you should have made yourself the person she could come to with problems.

Also, you say she has body issues, but the first thing you say about her here is that she’s beautiful. Not hard to see what might be the issue?

This is an insane reaction from you. Your daughter confided in you & you basically shamed her & told her you can't look at her the same. What you should have done (and hopefully still can) is to make sure that firstly she wasn't coerced in any way & that she understood the implications of having sex. Not even just pregnancy/STD's but the emotional side. She had already done it, you now telling her she's ruined your relationship was deeply hurtful and unnecessary. If people in her school know theres a good chance she will get enough shaming there. You were meant to be her safe place. Obviously you can't time travel but the red flags were there - the boy is obsessive over her & you haven't done anything to teach her that this is unhealthy. I think you need to reach out for support for both of you. The world hasnt ended - she had sex with her boyfriend & is on the pill. Your reaction wasn't good - hopefully you can rebuild the relationship.

Have any of the professionals who have dealt with DD since she was 6/7 suggested that you might be contributing to her MH issues?

By that logic I "may be" pregnant too cos I used a condom while I was ovulating 🙄which is less effective than the pill.

I know it's easy for other people to say they'd have done things differently, but the very first thing I'd have done is gone and bought a early signs pregnancy test for her to take. Have you done that? She's very likely not, but surely that's the key thing to resolve.

I agree, she doesn't hate you. 13 is tricky.

It certainly not common for a six year old in a healthy family home to be suffering from such severe MH problems they need to see a professional (barring SN needs).

My thoughts exactly. Jesus Christ some of these replies are unbelievable, people are talking like it's practically inevitable.

I agree. Dysfunctional family environments can trigger poor mental health in children.

Is your DD immature for 13? What do you mean you could walk away if it wasn't for the debt?

I'm with others OTT. It's not ideal but she did come too you and you've massively blown this up. My mothers friend had a baby at 14!

She sounds extremely vulnerable op. You need to stop punishing her and being so angry.

Not really. Royals etc may have had political marriages very early but even then it was unusual (and frowned upon) for young wives to have babies.
"Apart from a few decades in the early 1800s, the only time since 1550 that the average age of first marriage for women fell below age 24 was during the baby boom of the 1950s and 1960s."
It's never been the norm for 13 year olds to be mothers https://www.campop.geog.cam.ac.uk/blog/2024/07/11/what-age-did-people-marry/

Famously Margaret Beaufort had Henry VII at the age of 13 or 14 and was badly injured by the birth due to her youth.

13 is normal for menstruation now but the age has dropped dramatically over the last century or so "Between the 1890s and the 1950s, the average age at menarche – the medical term for first menstruation – fell from 17 to 12."
https://epibiostat.ucsf.edu/news/what-drives-earlier-menstruation-girls

You keep saying your DD might be pregnant but why have you not get her a morning after pill and a pregnancy test? The more you try to keep her apart from her bf the more she will be determined to see him.