13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

I’m sorry, but you have massively mishandled this and very likely this mishandling is what will have destroyed your relationship with your daughter. I suggest you calm down, your daughter is on the pill therefore it is extremely unlikely she is pregnant. The biggest danger here is your daughter who has poor mental health having parents who are acting like this, I am honestly gob smacked.

No matter how you felt inside you should have sat down calmly, been happy she felt your relationship was strong enough to discuss this, and held a calm conversation to ensure her physical, emotional and mental safety

Telling your child your relationship with them has changed because she's had sex at 13 is bloody awful and shit parenting

OP are you getting therapy as well as your daughter? Because I think you need some handholding while you take a beat to really self reflect.

you are the one who threw the grenade. Your kid told you what happened- a trusted piece of information and instead of taking it as her feeling safe with you to do so, you massively overreacted! You wanted to see this kids face so he could see your devastation? Oh please come on. It’s ok to be upset but this is really not proportionate.

you owe your daughter an apology and you need to repair what is ruptured. All you will do is push her further into the arms of dysfunctional kids like this BF who will get clingy and love bomb and she’ll lap it up because she wants to feel safe and unconditionally loved.

you’ve gotta get a grip of yourself. Be devestated in private. To her face you thank her for telling you, explain she needs the morning after pill and you ask her if it was truly consensual, how does she feel now and what does she want to do moving forward, relay safe sex, boost her to advocate for herself and be able to recognise what she wants and how to say no because there’s no way she 100% wanted to lose it in a public space even if she consented at the time. This could have been an opportunity but you made it about you.

I understand why it's upsetting, especially as boyfriend is older. However if she's taking the pill properly then it's very unlikely she'll be pregnant.
She could have kept this secret, she told her mother for a reason. Don't shame her, support her. Very sad if the whole school knows, maybe that's why she wanted to tell you.

Why do you expect your daughter to be sensible and grounded when you, her role model, are awash in grandiosity and catastrophising? I would prioritise getting yourself into therapy to work on your own issues first, instead of focusing on your daughter as the problem.

The way she responded is an overreaction. Not being horrified by it. You can still be horrified by it and react in a much better, more productive way.

Maybe the father will be able to engage better with his daughter than OP while she (OP) recovers some equanimity and work on restoring the relationship with her daughter

eh? Lots of 13 year olds have boyfriends!

You sound like the issue here and I really feel for your daughter! Understand the situation is far from ideal but you sound quite unhinged and very dramatic! I would suggest you get some help so you can support your daughter in a healthier way!

Well if I was her I wouldn't be telling you anything ever again.

Do you often massively overreact?

Maybe, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, your behaviour is causing/exacerbating DD's MH issues.

Either way, you need help, OP. Your reaction is not at all normal or healthy.

Why are children having sex and playing relationships? :S

Oh OP, this reaction really isn’t going to help you in the long run. I lost my virginity at 14, my mum found out and reacted in much the same way as you, she made me feel dirty and ostracised and like the worst person in the world. It had a huge effect on my attitude towards sex and relationships, led me to move out at 16 and to this day, though our relationship is much improved, I don’t trust her enough to tell her some things.

You run the risk of ruining your relationship entirely and pushing her away if you don’t do some major damage control. Of course it’s not ideal, of course you want better for her and of course you’re worried and scared but you don’t put this kind of pressure on her.

You did the right thing in ending this"relationship".
Your child is not in a good place mentally or emotionally and a romantic relationship is the last thing she needs. She will be exploited by predatory boys like the BF as long as she thinks relationships are the answer to her problems.

The boy's foster parents have a duty of care toward him that they have not fulfilled, and you did the right thing by talking to them.

Your daughter needs therapy.

She does not need to be told she has torn your family apart or ruined your life, and I don't know why her whole year group knows her private business - if she has been talking about this all over the school, then all the more reason to get therapy for her.

Find a therapist as a matter of urgency. What MH support did she receive after her OD attempt?

I appreciate you're devastated, I would be too, but you seem to have over reacted. You shouldn't let your daughter feel shame but help and guide her about the right and wrong choices to make. Ok I've not been in this situation but don't push her away further as it may make things worse. Sorry you're going through this.

They absolutely did. 13 is and was a normal to start having a period.

Imo, this is just one of those massive and horribly difficult milestones parents sometimes go through. I think by telling you she was.... uncertain about what she'd done and wanted her mum. She may be feeling scared, regretful, worried and sadly blowing your top will really not help her right now.

As hard as it is, esp with your daughter having MH issues, try and put your fears and worries aside for a moment, ie, she is unlikely to be pregnant and worrying about 'what if's' isn't helpful. If it turns out she is pregnant, you will no doubt deal with it as a family later.

Please be a mix of her mum and her friend. It's actually wonderful that she even told you, many children wouldn't. I really hope that she doesn't stop telling you in future about her life because of the way you have reacted.

Keep calm, I know not easy when worried, but try and keep calm, be a family unit. Good luck.

Isnt unusual? Isnt it a criminal offence to have sex with a 13 year old?

That's a sadder comment on the state of society than you apparently realise.

Nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend at 13. Nobody.

what a considerate post for the OP. Recognising her shock and encouraging her.

OP I wish you all the best in repairing your relationship with your daughter. I hope you can support her through this.

I think you need to calm down and take stock. She's 13 ffs. You're the adult. If you thought you'd breeze through her teenage years because of your previous close relationship then boy did you have a shock coming your way. Puberty, pre existing mental health problems. And endometriosis. She's having a really tough time of it.
Frankly I think you'll have future challenges on the horizon. So you'd better toughen up. She's going to need your full support.
You falling apart and saying spiteful things is most assuredly going to make life more difficult for both of you.
It's your job to navigate these challenges with her. She's not your enemy.

I became sexually active at 14 but I didn't tell my parents because they'd already overreacted when I told them something minor earlier. I never willingly confided in them until I was an adult..

However sex at 14 didn't cause any long term problems. I grew up, had some lovely and not so lovely relationships, became happily married and am now a widow. I've never needed an abortion..

Your reaction is totally unhelpful, OP. Like so many PPs have said, you've made it all about yourself. You have some grovelling to do.

I feel for your daughter what a massive crushing over reaction to something that had already happened. My lovely Mum would have said "what can we do to make this safer?"...she was stern, a tartar...said "don't get pregnant" every pair of plates, my Dad too...but I know she wouldn't have done this. Your title about virginity says it all.
My first sexual experience was at uni...but my tough Mum wouldn't have been as awful and would have given me the tools to navigate safely not condemnation. Wow you've made something awful out of something on the normal spectrum of human behaviour

I'm 72 and my best friend in secondary school started having sex at twelve. She went on to become a doctor.

They always have done. There were girls at my school in the 1960s having sex at not much older than that.