13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

morning after pill?

This doesn't read as if it was written by the mother. If it's a real story, I'd say it was the father, claiming to be the mother as this is Mumsnet.

planning on walking out in 2028 when debt is clear, ie can afford a seperate household, is much more of a dad move. The obsession with the child losing her virginity, over the trauma she may have gone through, sounds quite male too.

And scolding the many posters who have said the daughter needs support, and the OP being appalled that this is "what mothers have come to" reads like a man who's wife isn't supporting his main character ambitions.

So hopefully, if this is true, there's a mother supporting her daughter through this, as her husband flounces.

You have not read the original article looking (you link a summary of it) and you have not even correctly read the summary.

The article is not looking at the average age of first conception over the last 1/4 million years but an aggregate average age for conception, separately for males and females.

So with females, we're not looking at the average age of first pregnancy but averaged across fertile life - so from onset of menarche to menopause.

Just correcting in case anyone mistakenly thought you might have been correctly summarising the summary of the article!

No, you haven’t “overreacted” in the emotional sense — your reaction makes perfect sense for a parent who has been through so much, especially given her past mental health struggles and the shock of what she told you. You are in shock, and your anger, grief, and fear are all part of that. However, while the feelings are completely valid, the expression of them — “losing it,” confronting the boy’s foster family immediately, etc. — might not have been the most effective way to protect your daughter or rebuild trust.
You were acting out of panic and love, not cruelty. But your daughter, especially at 13, will have experienced it as judgment, rejection, or loss of safety — even though that’s not what you meant.

At 13, her brain is still years away from being able to connect impulsive decisions with long-term consequences. Emotionally and neurologically, she’s driven by belonging, validation, and independence — not by risk assessment.
…it’s likely she’s shutting down as a self-protective reaction. That “emotionless and combative” behavior is often a trauma or shame response — it’s easier to act like she doesn’t care than to face the enormity of what happened.

Right now, no amount of lecturing, punishment, or reasoning will reach her — her brain is in defense mode. The best step you can take is to help her so she feels safe enough to talk later.

Even if she’s on the pill, schedule:

• Pregnancy test
• STI Screening
• A visit with a GP or nurse

If possible, let her be part of arranging this; it helps restore her sense of control.

Try and avoid shame as she won’t respond well to guilt or punishment when it comes to sex or relationships. Instead of saying, “You’ve ruined our family,” try reframing to:
“You’re still loved. You made a serious choice that has big consequences. We’ll face those together, but we need to talk about safety, respect, and your future.”
This keeps the door open instead of pushing her further toward secrecy.

Right now your daughter needs to know one thing above all: your love isn’t conditional.
You can still hold boundaries, but she needs to believe you won’t abandon her. That sense of safety is what will allow her to open up, accept responsibility, and heal.
You’re doing your best in an impossible situation. It’s okay that it isn’t perfect — what matters is that you keep trying to reconnect and get support for both of you.

I honestly think you have handled this terribly. The dramatic language is completely ridiculous. She obviously trusted you enough to confide in you but your reaction is so over the top that I fear you may have damaged your relationship with your daughter beyond repair. You seem more concerned about your feelings than hers. She needs support and calm medical advice not a hysterical and unsupportive mother.

Is it really that shocking that a previously suicidal teenager with “body image issues”, had sex with another vulnerable teenager who kept discussing sex with her? The writing was on the wall that they would be interested in sex. He was basically telling her what she wanted to hear in terms of body image issues. The time to have taken preventative action has gone.

Now that they have had sex, she can’t get back her virginity so what are you wanting posters to suggest?

You sound like my mother. The drama and the devastation. All about her. I was 14 and a mess and being abused. And pregnant.

I don’t see her. Haven’t in years.
You are the issue here. You will lose her. You.

You are not acting like a loving, caring parent, you are making it all about you, the. Are shocked your child hates you. It’s like you haven’t got any parenting skills, what made you think marking around to the boys house would make things better!!!!
Hope you daughter is ok and gets the help she needs, get yourself some parenting lessons and remember it’s not about you and what the neighbours will be thinking of you.

I think we know why this poor child has MH issues.

WHAT A REACTION!

This is horrifying, my daughter is 12 and I can't imagine how I'd feel.

Firstly how certain are you that she actually has had intercourse?

Teens say things, sometimes it's to rile you, sometimes it's testing the water to see how you'd react because they are thinking about it but haven't done anything. Also sometimes youngsters don't fully understand what sex actually constitutes, and plenty of 13 year olds wouldn't.

I used to burn teaspoons and leave little lines of flour or sugar on the kitchen top to wind up my single father, yet I have never touched drugs and was 29 when I actually found out what burning spoons had to do with drug use!

Also, I don't think either of them would have committed any offence legally because of their ages (although it doesn't make it OK).

Additionally if she is taking the pill reliably, even if she has had sex once, the chance of pregnancy is low.

However if you do think she may have had genital contact, a test for sexually transmitted infections would be worth considering.

Also, and I know how horrible this is going to sound, but if you think there is a possibility of future sexual activity, please please get a long acting form of contraception sorted out either instead of or alongside the pill.

This doesn't mean you are accepting it or aren't doing everything in your power to prevent it, but you cannot supervise her 24/7 and a pregnancy at that age with this boy would be an absolute disaster, and avoidable.

she’s 13!!!!!! It’s entirely her parents business. But to be honest, as soon as I knew she had a 15 year old boyfriend it wound have stopped there.

I am from a completely different part of the country ( you would bave classed us in middle class bubble) and I also had friends sleeping with the boys who lived in the homeless hostels and local childrens homes when we were in year 9.
Agree that it seems kids are kids for longer nowdays. My mum left school, home and started work at 15. I can't imagine any 15 year olds doing this nowdays.

Let's be factual, she's unlikely to be pregnant on the pill.

Unlikely but not impossible so worth taking a test

13 really isn’t unusual - you’ve lived a very sheltered life if you think so

They are both minors and close in age so unless the 15 year old has shown clear signs of coercion or exploitation, then unlikely that it would be treated like an adult case.

@Completelydevastated I think the way it’s been handled is possibly not ideal but I don’t think many of us would have done much better. I totally get why you’re devastated.
agree that she really needs you on her side though. Good luck. I really hope it works out ok x

WTF.

You have handled this poorly.

You need to reign in the dramatics, pull yourself together and be the adult and be a parent.

Of course you can be shocked, upset, angry and all the rest, but the bottom line is, you have a mentally unwell child who needs you.

Thank you ChatGPT

You're expecting too much of a 13 and 15 year old. Of course your DD won't understand the impact on you. A 15 yo won't learn anything from seeing the 'devastation on your face'.
You have made this all about you and your feelings instead of supporting your DD. I'm not sure she hates you but I can see why she would say there was no relationship if this is how you usually react to her emotions. You say she broke down to you but you're angry at her and tell her she has destroyed the relationship. It sounds like you've handled this really poorly with little consideration for the child who is most affected by the situation.

But it’s already happened so now the only thing to do is show her love and any support she needs?

But it's already happened? Surely the best way to prevent it happening again is to keep communication open & explore the reasons why your child felt having sex was right at such a young age? Of course be upset, disappointed etc. These feelings are perfectly valid & normal. Even fine to communicate to your 13yo - "thanks for telling me, I am upset as although you may feel ready, your brain isn't actually mature enough to be making these decisions. Was this your own decision? Was your bf/gf respectful? I would prefer you didnt do this again because you are too young, it puts you at risk of std's & bf/gf coild get into trouble too. If I can't trust you to keep yourself safe I will need to do it for you so you won't be able to go out unsupervised for a while"

What a horrible comment this is. What is wrong with having some compassion.

I couldn't work it out from her post. Yes in which case a better scenario is to give her the morning after pill.

Actually - and I appreciate this will go down like a lead balloon - but where both parties are under 16 years, they may both have committed a criminal offence. But the legislation is to protect children and not to punish them and prosecuting children for having sex with other children won't necessarily lead to prosecution)

(Under 13 is a different matter)

You are the issue here. You have completely overreacted. Your teenager had sex and you are considering moving out of the area? Honestly you need your head looked at

was your daughter irresponsible? Yes completely. Did she do the right thing by telling you? Yes. Have you completely ruined your daughter trust and faith in you to help her when she’s in a tough situation? Yes.

after this debacle, your daughter will never tell you anything again. The trust there is completely gone. You have ruined your relationship with her over something that no offence is minor. Shes on the OCP so unlikely to be pregnant, both virgins so STDS unlikely. You have blown everything out of proportion. You are acting as if she is defo pregnant which is so unlikely. Talk about overreacting. She will go no contact with you in the future and you are entirely to blame