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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 17 in a secret relationship with 29 year old man

109 replies

connie26 · 16/10/2025 20:03

Should I be worried? She seems to really like him and he does seem nice. I know DH wouldn't be happy if he found out.

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 16/10/2025 20:04

Why is the relationship secret, OP?

nocoolnamesleft · 16/10/2025 20:08

Probably secret because he’s been grooming her.

Soontobe60 · 16/10/2025 20:09

What does a man of his age want with a 17 year old?

wrongthinker · 16/10/2025 20:09

Of course he seems nice. He's also grooming you, OP.

TheaBrandt1 · 16/10/2025 20:10

Oh my god. I don’t know what I would do but I would have to do something.

Cillmantain123 · 16/10/2025 20:11

Open you your eyes.
It’s completely inappropriate.
He isn’t nice , he is grooming her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2025 20:15

No 29 yo dating a 17 yo is nice.

steff13 · 16/10/2025 20:17

IdaGlossop · 16/10/2025 20:04

Why is the relationship secret, OP?

Is this a rhetorical question?

leakycauldron · 16/10/2025 20:18

Umm I was once this 17 year old in a relationship with a 29 year old....,
There was no "grooming", I worked at a pub he went to the pub. We talked. He asked me out.

It lasted about 4 months. My parents knew from the start and didn't make a fuss. It fizzled out on both sides. If they'd made a fuss chances are it would've lasted longer!

I have no idea how they managed to not say anything. I have a DD now and the thought of it makes me sick!

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 16/10/2025 20:21

My best friend at school was 16 when she was seeing a 29 year old man, also secretly (initially!). He was all kinds of inappropriate (think prison sentence) as I was aware even at the time (and believe me, I was a young/naive 16 year old). I'm sure the fact that her father worked away from home was a factor - I'm sure she was partly looking for a father figure.
She finished with him herself (thank goodness), which is when he started to target me - obviously in an attempt to make her jealous (stupid man; I gave him a wide berth and she wasn't swayed anyway).
Try not to alienate your DD by being too judgmental while gently encouraging her to develop critical thinking eg why doesn't he have a relationship with someone his own age ("after all, he seems such a nice person" said through your gritted teeth).

Sheldonslovechild · 16/10/2025 20:25

I've been there and got the tshirt.

Please try and make her see sense. I was 17 and he was 30. Thought I was so grown up and not one person stepped in and said anything. He spent 10 years abusing me.

There is only one reason that somebody that age wants a young girl and it's not because she's different and so mature for her age as he will tell her. It's because he can control and abuse her.

Looking back I really really wish my parents had of stepped in. I still would have probably fought against them but at least they would have tried.

I still have the mental scares from that relationship 15 years later and my whole adult life has rotated around the trauma caused.

She probably won't listen to your advise but please at least try.

Donttellempike · 16/10/2025 20:29

connie26 · 16/10/2025 20:03

Should I be worried? She seems to really like him and he does seem nice. I know DH wouldn't be happy if he found out.

I have a 17 year old. I would be very unhappy. That’s a Massive gap. I would not be impressed with this man at all

You have to play it clever though or you’re going to push them together

Gruffporcupine · 16/10/2025 20:40

I was stupid enough at a similar age to her to date a 30 year old. It ended on its own and I was unscathed. Unfortunately there won't be anything you can say to change her mind. Just keep the communication open and non judgemental so that she knows she can come to you when it goes south

Nicefreshbedding · 16/10/2025 20:44

An ex of mine used to go out with a 17 yr old when he was 29.

When we got together, his Mum said she was glad he was going out with someone his own age. 🤨
Clearly she had her opinion about age gap relationships.
He's now in another age gap relationship but as they are older, it doesn't appear so grim to people.

It does prove however, that he hasn't ever grown up.

Blueuggboots · 16/10/2025 20:45

Red flags everywhere!!!

Spongblobsparepants · 16/10/2025 20:49

According to the creepiness factor calculator (half your age plus seven), this is not appropriate - and I speak as someone was seeing a 27 year old at 17 (makes me shudder now). Have a gentle chat with her about power and life experience imbalance at that age.

Ultimately though, all you can do is be there for her when it hopefully comes to an end.

I feel for you OP. I’m shortly going to be in a room with friends of my SIL. He groomed started seeing a SIL’a friend when she was 15 and he was 30 and already a father. They’ve been happily married with children for a long time now, but I can’t help the fact that he makes my skin crawl.

anytipswelcome · 16/10/2025 20:49

Nice men of 29 don’t date 17 year old girls. So he might have ‘seemed nice’ to you in passing OP, but he’s not is he? It’s gross. Someone will be along to say they met their husband at 17 when he was 30 and they’ve been married years etc but it doesn’t change the fact that a man of that age proactively choosing to date a legal child is not a fundamentally decent man.

Greenwitchart · 16/10/2025 20:49

A man who is almost 30 should not be dating a teenage girl.

Completely inappropriate.

I would be really concerned about his motives: controlling man who is looking for someone young that he can manipulate and/or perv who has a thing for very young girls...

mo25 · 16/10/2025 20:51

My dd is 17. This is completely inappropriate. When I was 23 I wasted 4 years of my life with a 33 year old. Also inappropriate. Open your eyes it’s 2025 and everyone knows this is grooming.

MudLark87 · 16/10/2025 20:54

I think the school safeguarding team would love to talk to her/you. She is a child. He's a lot older.

stoptalkingdirtytome · 16/10/2025 20:56

I’m 29f and can’t imagine going out with a 17yr old. My stepdaughter is 17 😩sick

TheAphrodite · 16/10/2025 20:59

whats a 29 year old bloke got in common with a 17 year old girl 🙄 why doesnt he want to be with someone closer to his own age?

TheExcitersblowingupmymind · 16/10/2025 21:01

Creepy as,it's not often I say it because there's usually no need I'm male and this is all sorts of wrong.
Apart from the age factor what the hell would they have in common.
Hopefully fizzles out before long.

user2848502016 · 16/10/2025 21:16

I would be worried, what decent 29 year old wants to date a 17 year old?! Even if he is lovely I would be concerned about your DD missing out on normal 17 year old stuff because she’s trying to be grown up, and concerned about her limiting her choices

MaidOfSteel · 16/10/2025 21:26

When I was a 17 year old I started seeing a 28 year old man. I didn’t realise it immediately at the time, but looking back with the benefit of age and experience, I can see that he probably wanted someone younger and naive, who would not notice the initial signs of controlling behaviour and violence.

And, in all honesty, I can’t see what a grown man would have in common with someone in the sixth form at school. Please talk to your daughter seriously about this. I’d be very uncomfortable in your position.