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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 17 in a secret relationship with 29 year old man

109 replies

connie26 · 16/10/2025 20:03

Should I be worried? She seems to really like him and he does seem nice. I know DH wouldn't be happy if he found out.

OP posts:
Original poster
connie26 · 16/10/2025 22:18

Thanks everyone for your replies. She's quite open with me about these things and I've told her how I feel about it but she's determined to do what she wants. I don't want to push her away but will keep trying to make her see sense without arguing with her. She works with him and so sees him a lot.

OP posts:
DoubleBoubles · 16/10/2025 22:52

Like a lot of the other posters, when I was 17 I was dating a 27 year old and thought it was great. Looking back it really wasn’t

I now have a 17 year old daughter myself and the thought of her being reeled in by an older man like I was makes me feel physically sick.

A 29 year old is not dating a 17 year old because he is a nice man!

RedGreenNeverSeen · 16/10/2025 23:13

I was also the 17 year old in this situation, and it took me a very long time to recover. I hope your daughter is ok, but this is definitely wrong, and she will probably need a lot of support.

Astrabees · 16/10/2025 23:21

I dated someone who was 28 briefly when I was 17. I was at college doing A levels, just passed my driving test and planning for uni so I was quite grown up. He was the youngest son of one of my mother’s friends and was a builder, doing very well, down to earth and good looking. We had a lot of fun going out with different groups of friends, not platonic but not consummated. My parents thought he was a bit of a catch. I went off to do my degree and he bought a nice house to renovate.

Strawberrycreamcalzone · 16/10/2025 23:23

Oh dear. Big red flags for sure.
The thing is what can you actually do? PP mentioned safeguarding team but is this something they could actually intervene with? It’s not technically illegal is it, just a bit gross. Tricky 😕

hmnj · 16/10/2025 23:34

Disgusting.

All the school safeguarding straight out of the window. A nearly 30 year old man shagging a child.

freakingscared · 16/10/2025 23:46

You mean 29 year old man has been grooming 17 year old ! We are not taking about a 27 with a 39 year old , we are talking about a child and a grown adult . This is a massive red flag , find anything you can on him , convictions , work , education , exes etc . Do t try to directly stop her as she ill run in his arms but if you can dissuade her do .

Agapornis · 16/10/2025 23:50

Consider doing a Clare's Law request. And as she's under 18, Sarah's law too.

No good man does this. I've been there, I was 18 and he 29. With hindsight he was too keen for me to keep looking like a teenage child 😬

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 17/10/2025 00:06

At best he’s an immature manchild, at worst he’s a manipulator who is basically moulding your DD to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

She’s above the age of consent so if I’m correct on that front there’s not a lot you can do, but I’d certainly make my feelings known and keep a close eye on it. The last thing you should do is alienate her, it will only push her towards him.

…….and maybe find a way to scare him off

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2025 00:09

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 16/10/2025 20:21

My best friend at school was 16 when she was seeing a 29 year old man, also secretly (initially!). He was all kinds of inappropriate (think prison sentence) as I was aware even at the time (and believe me, I was a young/naive 16 year old). I'm sure the fact that her father worked away from home was a factor - I'm sure she was partly looking for a father figure.
She finished with him herself (thank goodness), which is when he started to target me - obviously in an attempt to make her jealous (stupid man; I gave him a wide berth and she wasn't swayed anyway).
Try not to alienate your DD by being too judgmental while gently encouraging her to develop critical thinking eg why doesn't he have a relationship with someone his own age ("after all, he seems such a nice person" said through your gritted teeth).

My friend who had a dad who left did the same

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2025 00:09

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 17/10/2025 00:06

At best he’s an immature manchild, at worst he’s a manipulator who is basically moulding your DD to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

She’s above the age of consent so if I’m correct on that front there’s not a lot you can do, but I’d certainly make my feelings known and keep a close eye on it. The last thing you should do is alienate her, it will only push her towards him.

…….and maybe find a way to scare him off

Yes like invite him over for dinner and a movie night with you all (but not to sleep over)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2025 00:11

Although strangely I have a 40 year old colleague who is still with the man she started dating when she was 17 and he was 30 (and a teacher!!! Not at her school)

sittingonabeach · 17/10/2025 00:12

Would his work have an issue with this?

Tiredofbullsit · 17/10/2025 00:17

My late dad dated my late mum from when she was 15 and he was in his 30s. She always said that it worked out for her but she wouldn’t have allowed it for any of her three daughters. They got married just after mum turned 18 and dad was 36. They adored each other and they were only parted by death after 45+ years of happy marriage, 4 children end 5 grandchildren. I do realise that they were fortunate, as did they.

ninjahamster · 17/10/2025 00:18

I also had a similar relationship at 16. I have older siblings so think I was used to being around older people. My boyfriend was a fireman. He actually treated me really well. I then went out with a guy from the RAF aged 17 and he was 26. My husband is 14 years older than me. Think I was old before my time!

SandyY2K · 17/10/2025 00:20

No self respecting man would be with a 17 year old child.

WannaFOffOnHoliday · 17/10/2025 00:30

All you can do is keep a close eye.
They work together so not much else you can do

RawBloomers · 17/10/2025 00:42

I would be very worried, OP, though appreciate the desire not to push her away. It’s tricky.

Is he a manager? I might look into the workplace’s policy on employee relationships.

Agree with reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson and PPs - not a nice man. At best immature and at worst manipulative and grooming her to abuse her.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 17/10/2025 00:49

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2025 00:11

Although strangely I have a 40 year old colleague who is still with the man she started dating when she was 17 and he was 30 (and a teacher!!! Not at her school)

The fact he was a teacher and pursuing a teenager is so creepy god

ChessBess · 17/10/2025 00:53

I agree with the others, it’s totally inappropriate. My dd of a similar age is excited about what Halloween costumes her and her friends are going to wear and full of giggles like the school girls they are.

What kind of predator at 29 would want to date a 17 year old girl? Shows you what kind of character he is 🤮

TheaBrandt1 · 17/10/2025 00:58

Also have a Dd of 17 who has a same age first ever boyfriend and they are very sweet together both “finding their feet” and blundering around their first relationship. As it should be.

LoyalMember · 17/10/2025 08:27

When I was 24, I had a year long, torrid fling with a 40 year old woman. Was I groomed?

ladybirdsanchez · 17/10/2025 08:30

When I was 19 I went out with a 31-year-old for about four months. I wasn't groomed. We had fun. It was completely consensual and not abusive. However, he was not my first bf and I was quite a precocious 19-year-old. So it totally depends on the situation as to whether it's worrying/inappropriate or not.

defrazzled · 17/10/2025 08:31

How does this creepy man seem nice OP?

TheaBrandt1 · 17/10/2025 08:31

No because 24 is very different to 17 🙄🙄