DD 17 in a secret relationship with 29 year old man

[connie26]

Should I be worried? She seems to really like him and he does seem nice. I know DH wouldn't be happy if he found out.

Ah, the usual people going 'ah but I was really mature at 17' yeah but you were still 17 - no matter what anyone thinks, up close you can still see how young 17 year olds are and no good man doesn't get the ick from that.

But if she is so smart and mature and their relationship is so lovely, then she won’t mind her Dad knowing.
There is no way I would be made complicit in that little mess.

As previous posters have said when they were in her position- nothing would have dissuaded them, they had to find out for themselves the hard way. It’s difficult to watch a car-crash unfold, hopefully she will see sense soon.

A friend of my sisters had this exact scenario got pregnant and kept the baby. No university for her. Her life went in a very different direction to that of her friends. Bright girl too.

Most girls of 17 are still at school. Ask her if she thinks it would be okay for a man his age to be interested in dating a schoolgirl.

I hate this age their still young making dumb arse decisions but to old for you to do anything about it

I would be setting about ruining that mans life

Surely to God now as the parent of a DD you must be able to see the whole experience from another perspective from how a love struck teen might feel rather than using your experience to validate it happening in this day and age.

I dated someone this age when I was 18, so technically an adult but only a year older than your DD.

All was fine, nice, normal relationship, ended ok, I was not coerced, or groomed or taken advantage of. I fancied him because he was a proper man, and not an 18 year old who liked PlayStations.

There was nothing sinister and no one bated an eyelid. My best friend dated his best mate and they’re still together. She’s 45 and he’s 57 now, two kids, all very normal and above board.

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 39. We were married for 47 years until he died.

Sorry, mistype. He was 30.

I know other posters don't like these stories but it does give me some reassurance, so thank you.

I know someone who got pregnant at 17 to her 29yo bf. They married. He was charismatic and controlling, and seriously sexually assaulted another woman in the family, which only came out after they divorced. The children were neglected by both parties. One was too busy chasing other young women, the other too busy trying to claim back her wasted youth.
No happy ending for anyone.
Suggest you triple check contraception.

Which doesn’t actually answer the question.

Agree with pp this is a tough age so young and yet as a parent you lose control

I completely understand why you are taking comfort in hearing about situations like this. But it’s important to recognise that these are very much the exceptions. The vast majority of grown men who date children (and yes, a 17 year old is still a child) are creeps and predators.

I think shining a light into dark places helps counteract the mystique. It’s very easy to fall for a person when it’s just you and them, but when being them to meet your friends, family, wider relations and you see their reactions it gives you a broader view of the person.

It’s a pity you can’t trust your dh to be sensible because inviting him to every family occasion is exactly what I’d do. Absent fathers create a vulnerability and he is absent from this development in her life. Does he have a good relationship with her? Is there any possibility of getting her to spend some quality time with her df?

I wonder what her friends think, and what her friends mothers think. She may not be able to hear your wisdom op, but are there other adults that she’s close to?

Chat with her about her feelings about boys and men of her own age too. You might be able to gently reframe some of her frustrations with younger men by pointing out how hard it is for them to compete with someone earning money, who “seems” so much wiser and experienced. And gently imply that he probably likes being able to impress her too, because women his own age would consider that normal.

But don’t tell her she’s too young, or immature etc. because that is exactly his point of leverage. He’s very likely telling her that she’s very mature for her age, until she annoys him and then he’ll say she’s childish to put her down.

You want to keep them both as close as possible. You want to encourage her to have him as part of her life as much as possible. So out with her friends and their boyfriends. Picking her up from school or taking part of any hobby. Every opportunity to see the difference. I'd be inviting him over and in a subtle way bringing to light the differences between them. That maybe he aligns more with you than her age range. Driving working mortgage bills politics this either highlights him as boring like her parents or immature for his age. You don't want to alienate her but she will naturally have less to add to the conversation.
If he doesn't want to be a part of her life then it highlights another issue to her.
She is unfortunately going to need to see it herself or from friends. You need to keep her close as a number one priority.

Her dad needs to change up fast. I'm guessing he can't be trusted to know this without getting angry? The best way he can protect her is to be close to her. He needs to be modeling now more than ever what a good partner looks like. Currently he is showing her that it's just what men do is get angry and they have less of a capacity for empathy or understanding. Which means she will willingly accept shit from this new boyfriend because that's normal to her.

I'd be having conversations (not in a suck eggs manner) of why don't we see 29 year old women dating 17 year old boys. Why is it in our society women "mature" faster than men. I'd be pointing out the perhaps inequalities of your own relationship op the different expectations on men and women.

Here's hoping it fizzles out op. Good luck

@connie26 At the very least get her on contraception, if she does have sex she needs condoms, he may not bring them. Tell her that him not wanting to use them cause of the 'feel' is stupid, make her remind him of the responsibility of fatherhood if he says no. Also, stealthing is a crime, it's legally SA at least but also rape - that's when you agree to wear a condom, then take it off without their permission and without telling them.
On BBC iplayer the show 'I May Destroy You' talks about it, I highly recommend watching it with her, just in general as I think it is very useful for women these days. Also might open up conversations.

Get her the morning after pill now and give to to her, so that if it does unfortunately happen, the money or the shock isn't a barrier to her using it or buying it. Also something like the injection, implant, or the mirena or copper coil as its non-hormonal, as those don't reply on her taking it every day and forgetting. Also, reproductive coercion is a thing and he may coerce her into not taking it.

These are mitigation efforts to make sure the worst doesn't happen, maybe as she goes into Y13 especially closer to exams many people stop their jobs to focus on exams as it's very stressful. If she does, make sure she doesn't get a job back there.

Talk to her, have the conversations on stealthing and the coils, implants, injections etc, give her the morning after pill to keep, and condoms, and talk to her about reproductive coercion. Also get her to download the app called the E-Card, essentially it has an app so that at any pharmacy or sexual health clinic you can get free condoms and lube etc under 24. It also has a map for all the nearest sexual health clinics, also share a link to the website/app (I think they now have an app) called 'Brook' with her, I recommend it for all young people, it's free sexual health advice, contraception advice, love and relationships. All broken down and age appropriate. Just keep in conversation with her, make sure if signs do show you intervene. That goes for all relationships but be there for her from now. Just in case.

https://www.brook.org.uk/

You have a DH problem. No wife should be afraid of their husbands reaction.

I went out with a 25 year old when I was 17. It was short lived because he kept trying to make it a sexual relationship and I didn’t want that. That age gap wasn’t unusual in our rural area. My daughter is 16, I wouldn’t want her to be dating an older guy, but she hasn’t had any boyfriends so that’s probably why it would bother me.

Thank you all. I really appreciate all your advice and I'm taking it all in.

Borderline paedophile. How long has it been going on. Why can’t he relate to people guys own age. Just grim.

Might be a case of keep your enemies close…

I moved in with my diving instructor when I was 19. He was 35. My parents didn’t say a word. Ridiculous.