DD 17 in a secret relationship with 29 year old man

[connie26]

Should I be worried? She seems to really like him and he does seem nice. I know DH wouldn't be happy if he found out.

Your husband wouldn't be happy if he found out...? As her parent, he has the right to know and I would be livid if I discovered my spouse had deliberately kept such important information from me.

Nice 29 year old men don’t date 17 year old girls. I’m not sure you can do more than keep an eye on things, but keep a very close eye.

How do you not have it out with him?

Times have definitely changed. When I was this age it wasn’t unusual at all to be seeing men a lot older. These days no more than 2 years older seems the norm. DD has a friend 17 who’s dating a 20 year old and there seems to be a lot of raised eyebrows among her friends.

How is that remotely comparable? You were an adult with presumably between 3-6 years of experience in the workforce alongside other adults. She’s a 17 year old school child with no life experience at all.

Why did you think it was comparable?

OP you say it is a “secret relationship” but from what I read, it’s a relationship that everybody but your daughter‘s father, your husband, knows about. This has implications for your relationship with your husband, and his relationship with his daughter.

The longer you all dance around not telling your husband, the more complicated this gets and the more difficult the future relationships between all of you will be.

Your’re obviously slightly worried about this, hence your emphasis that this man seems “nice“, as though that somehow makes it ok. You can’t let this go on for months and months without your husband knowing. That will affect your relationship with your husband when he finds out, or are you hoping that he never does?

17 is not a child . At 17 I was working full time , driving and going to pubs and clubs. .

When I was 17 I was a lot more streetwise than my now 17 year old daughter. I don’t think it would have been outrageous for me to date an older guy at that age as I was living in a flat share, driving, working, clubbing and going to uni etc so living an adult lifestyle. My dd however is at home, mainly in her bedroom still sleeping with a cuddly toy.
It’s not good and overall his motives have to be questioned but I’d reserve judgement on how worried I’d be based on the individuals involved.

The Olivia Rodrigo song Vampire has some lessons on this.

If you are 29 with a stepdaughter of 17, you must be in a relationship with a substantial age gap yourself.

17 IS a child. You can't be arguing about something factual. It's not my opinion..it's a fact.

You doing all those things at 17, doesn't make you an adult. A responsible 17 year old? Yes....but not an adult.

In the UK, the age of legal adulthood is 18, meaning an individual is considered an adult by the law from their 18th birthday.

Absolutely agree with this.

I was also doing all those things by 17. I felt like an adult but I wasn’t one.
However, 30 years later, things are very different. Seventeen year olds are actually a lot more immature than we were. Most are still in full time education, full time jobs are quite rare for that age. Most aren’t boozing like we were because pubs and clubs are super strict on ID. At the most they’re getting drunk at house parties before being picked up by parents. My kids lead a very different life in their teens and 20s to the life I led, and honestly, it’s no bad thing.

Does she show off to her friends about how she is going out with someone more mature, and how shes's more grown up than they are?

That's the appeal of it for her, and I imagine if any of her friends point out how grim it is she will just say they are jealous.

You need to tell her dad. Let him have a little chat with him ....
Paedo behaviour.

It’s very worrying. But my advice, having been in a similar situation, is stay as close as you can to your daughter. As much one on one time as you possibly can. Do not say anything negative about the boyfriend or relationship and just hope it frizzles out.

You get annoyed and fall out with her then he’ll be there to support her and let her move in with him and so on.

He’s not a nice guy because he’s dating a literal child. If my 17 year old DS came home with a 29 year old woman I would lose my mind, as would my DH. Your DD is being groomed.

Yes. Dh is 42, so 13 years older than me. But we got together when I was 25 and him 38. Both adults and not teenagers!

Is he her boss at work? What’s the work relationship? Is it a secret at work too? Does she meet his friends? Does he meet her friends? This isn’t a relationship is it? It’s a sordid little sex game

What man of 30 wants to go out with a 17 year old? At 30 he has been working for years and probably went to university. Woman of his age want adult relationships and after a period of time may want to get married, have kids or buy a house.
Woman of around his age have life experience and can spot the red flags of an immature man who refuses to grow up. They can also spot the men that are mean or expect things there own way always.

My feeling is that he is with your daughter because he wants sex and wants someone who thinks he is great. She probably thinks he is great because he has a car and money when the lads of her age are lucky to have minimum wage job on a Saturday if they are still in school.
He is grooming her and why have you not told your husband about this relationship?

You need to tell your husband about him and decided then how your going to get him away from her. I wonder would his boss like to hear how he using his job and possible position of power to go out with staff years younger than him?
He may have form for doing this.

I hate to see your daughter decide that she not going to college after her A levels or going to a local college to stay near him. I also hate to see her getting pregnant. He won't want her or a baby if this happens. Then you don't want to be dealing with her pregnant and trying to sort out an abortion for her. Then if she keeps a baby it will have a major impact on her life and yours also.

You want your daughter to stay in school, get her final school exams, go to university and get a decent job. I know girls that are now in their early 20's and they are either finishing university or in there 1st graduate job's. They are in house shares, going out with friends and going on cheap holidays. They are going out with lads around there own age and enjoying life.

No. It's a question to elicit what OP has been told by DD.

24 is not 17!

The older you are the less problematic the age gap.

@Tiredofbullsit

My late dad dated my late mum from when she was 15 and he was in his 30s. She always said that it worked out for her but she wouldn’t have allowed it for any of her three daughters. They got married just after mum turned 18 and dad was 36. They adored each other and they were only parted by death after 45+ years of happy marriage, 4 children end 5 grandchildren. I do realise that they were fortunate, as did they

I appreciate he’s your dad but the reality is that he was a paedophile or the other word where men are attracted to children. Absolutely vile

This is the kind of attitude or mindset whereby men justify it.

17 is a child no ifs and buts regardless of the perverts think

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I know. I want these things for her too. She's a bright girl and very capable. She's also fiercely independent and thinks she's more mature than what she actually is.
I'm holding off telling DH because he'll hit the roof and I'm scared this will push her away. She loves her job and is earning good money for her age. She would be devastated if that ended. I'm trying to make her see sense by talking calmly with her - she's quite open with me and I don't want to risk losing that.
Next year she should be going off to uni, so hopefully this won't last..