Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

I am perplexed as to how is gained such a prominent place in the national zeitgeist. Ultimately it’s a fictional TV show, but it has been talked about like some sort of directive from the gods at times.

I think there are legitimate questions about how we can prevent a small minority of teenage boys from becoming misogynistic, but we also need to look at why some are feeling disengaged and alienated.

I’m not sure a fictional TV drama is the solution to either.

Right. I did panic a bit. I don't know how the conversation started. I have heard them in the back of the car talking about rizzing and pranking girls to think they fancy them. I had a little chat with them then as well, but that was quite a while ago

Well it depends on his level of understanding. It absolutely is ok to go back to someone and say you have re thought this and now feel blah blah blah and so want to take back what you said

However this child is ND and developmentally perhaps not able to understnd that and it might be more confusing. Only OP knows what his ability to do that will be. Some people who are ND also only hear one or two words out of a conversation, fixate on that and believe thats what they've heard so that is also difficult.

I really wouldn’t have seen anything wrong in that. I think expecting boys not to discuss their sexual feelings/physical reactions around girls they are attracted to is heaping on shame about what is normal and healthy

I think the yardstick is whether this discussion would be deemed appropriate in the workplace at a mixed lunch table. If the thought of that makes you uncomfortable, then that’s your answer.

@blubberball I get this completely, I am exactly the same with my DS, terrified that he is going to grow up to be like his father. I think when you've been in our situation it does affect how you see and hear things, it can't not...the challenge (and I spend my life with DS asking myself was X ok, should I have said Y, am I just reacting because he sounds like his dad) is to know when it's "your" stuff and when it's not.

I don't see the value in anyone else on here wading in saying you are over-reacting, you weren't sure which is why you came on here to ask. The question now is surely how to go on from here...which is with love and understanding and if it was me, I'd be having a chat with my DS saying "sorry I jumped on this a bit, it just made me nervous...and you're growing up and I don't have all the answers"...

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your son and within that it's fine to say that you don't know if you said or did the right thing...it won't hurt him to know that you were concerned because it shows you care about him.

Oh give over!!!

So you have no conversations with anyone at all that you wouldnt also have at the work lunch table

That is very unlikely and bizarre.

I think she can. And if he was my boy I would ( while dying inside )

Oh behave 😂😂

To be honest, I think you've misjudged here OP.

Admittedly I'm coming to this from a male perspective, but I don't see the comment as misogynist. In fact, your son's comment wasn't about the girl at all, but about his friends reaction to her. If he'd implied that she'd done something to cause that reaction, that would be misogynist, but he didn't. Instead, he was taking the piss out of his friend that the mere existence of a pretty girl in the vicinity causes him to have a physical reaction.

And really, the underlying reason for the comment wasn't the girl, and probably wasn't his friend either.

Teenage boys are on a hair trigger. The average male teenager apparently gets around 4 erections an hour while awake. And when you are that teenage boy, it's confusing, frustrating, mortifying. It happens when you're talking about a pretty girl, it happens when you see a pretty girl, it happens when you so much as think about a pretty girl. Hell, it happens when there's no pretty girls in the vicinity. It happens because you've just adjusted yourself, it happens because you're sat on the bus and the engine vibration is making things vibrate a little. It happens because someone on the TV just said "boobs". And most confusingly, it happens for absolutely no bloody reason at all, at inopportune moments.

And so we joke about it with our friends, because nobody tells us this is going to happen. Oh, sex education mentions that we'll get erections, but they don't bring up the sheer frequency of them. So we take the piss out of our friends, and bring up the subject, dancing around the reason why we're bringing it up, because we're trying to get someone to say "Yes, it's perfectly normal to be getting them pretty much constantly", without revealing it ourselves, in case we're the only one its happening to.

Your son said "How many times did your dick go hard when she was talking to you." He meant "My body is going fucking nuts, is yours doing the same?"

Not saying what you did was wrong. Not saying what you did was right.

All i would say is be careful about making your son hide his feelings from you. You have embarrassed him and I wouldn't expect him to be very forthcoming about any future sexual situations he may have if this is how you reacted to hearing a private conversation he was having with a friend.

Yes he was probably objectifying a girl to his friend. Yes he needs to learn about this but im not sure jumping on this is the best example to use. He is going to have situations where he is aroused and may not understand why (Dinner table, school changing rooms, walking in the street). This can be pretty normal so having a friend to discuss it with can be a healthy thing for him. Has he done it before would be the question i would ask of you. If not then maybe you have slightly over reacted.

lol

Dad, I need to talk to you about how to manage and clean your colostomy bag properly and whether you have been washing 'downstairs' properly?

Oh wait, no I wont discuss that with you as thinking about it, I wouldnt really have that chat with people at work, I know Sarah and Dave would baulk at that over their Tesco meal deal.

I rarely agree with a man 🤣 but what a great post 😊

I was just going to say the same

It was a bizarre take on it.

Mind you me and some of the other ladies do actually discuss our emerging grey pubes in work and fit blokes 😂

You're lucky you have some left, lets talk about that!!

I don't think that really works. Your teenage friends aren't the same as your colleagues at work. You're not going through a shared physical experience with your colleagues at work.

To move it from a male experience to a female one for a second, take periods. My DP probably isn't talking about her periods around the lunch table in work, but I know for a fact that DD had long conversations about them with her friends when they first started getting them. Because they were new, and different, and annoying, and concerning, and her friends were going through the same stuff she was, so it was far easier to talk to them about it than an adult.

This is my take on the situation. I’d add that I think you shamed him in an utterly intrusive way in a place he had every expectation of being safe and private. Shame is a devastating and destructive emotion and I would think hard about if you want your son feeling perfectly normal emotions and interactions are to be hidden like dirty secrets.

2 teenage boys chatting in a private home is a long way away from a mixed lunch table!!

The "hair trigger" made me actually snort

Its very true. I have 2 teen DS. Some situations have been quite awkward, bless em.....😬

Nonsense. My teen DD and her mates were chatting merrily away in the back of the car the other day about vaginas! I felt really envious as had nobody I was close enough to discuss that sort of thing with when I was their age. The OP’s son was talking to his mate, it’s fine!! I want my DS who’s 10 to go into his teens knowing that sometimes talking to someone he fancies will make his dick go hard, and would be thrilled if he had the type of friendships where this type of stuff is talked about.

Oh dont, they dont fall out do they? 😩😩😩

I think this is a very important perspective. Male bodies - especially of developing adolescent boys, are very different from female bodies.

I used to talk freely with my teenage friends about boobs, sex, periods, who we fancied, sexuality etc. Boys need that outlet with friends.

Someone upthread that the yardstick should be whether it would be appropriate to have that conversation with a colleague at work. I couldn’t disagree more. Boys need to be able to talk freely with their friends, about sex, sexuality, emotions, relationships - all of it. Otherwise their mental health will continue to be affected if they are expected to keep everything bottled up.

I also think you shouldn’t have embarrassed him by telling him to end the call immediately. You should have told him he had 5 minutes left so he needed to wind up the call, and then spoken to him after. What you did to him was humiliating - and shame and humiliation should not be a part of educating children. We should always be measured rather than reactive. I still remember my parents’ reactive moments to issues I had as a teenager- what happened was I stopped trusting and talking openly with them about things because I felt ashamed and didn’t want to feel judged.

I'd go with a happy medium. Respect women but some laddish banter is okay. Some things said on mumsnet loooool or with your friends on a girls night, let's be real it goes both ways.

Op, I think there's a happy medium to be had. It's okay to banter and have a laugh like this IMHO, and one must be respectful to girls/women/others. Talks are good. Understanding the line between banter and jokes and how you should treat other people is important. Not only of sexual nature but life too.

Oh by girls/women/others I mean literally all people just ops situation is girls/women but I think it extends to the whole human population we need to be respectful to everyone. Don't want anyone to read more into something than there is, don't want your drama😂

This thread is making me so glad I went to an all girls secondary school, if it considered normal for teen boys to be walking around with uncontrollable errections while talking to girls. I would have felt very uncomfortable and anxious talking to a classmate and them getting an errection, weather it’s natural or not.

They go grey?!? Why is this something I didn't know 😶 best think laser before it's too late 😭