Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

Boys do just talk weird with their friends. I've heard my son calling his male friend a bitch and a whore... Weird. I actually had to ask him was he talking to a girl like that

I think the poster means asking the questions.

Poor kid. Give him a bit of privacy.

No we dont 🤣🤣🤣 check = ask,

ffs 😂😂

This was not inappropriate imo. He was talking about his friend and his friend’s body. He wasn’t objectifying the girl’s boobs/legs/arse/whatever.

you shouldn’t have eavesdropped and you shouldn’t have made him feel ashamed. It was fine.

Well thats what I asked you right back at the start of the thread, the other boy may not have invited this discussion, might have been taken aback and felt obliged to discuss personal things that he isnt ready for

That is the conversation to have, but you have muddled this up with shouts of misogyny, victimsing the girl for some reason and worrying your son is pornified (for want of a better word)

You've given a confusig message and missed the main thing which is about how he interacts with his peers and makes and keeps friends.

Are you joking? They are teenagers trying to navigate new and exciting feelings. Would you rather they just google it all? It’s good to have human connection and friends you can be open and honest with.

it’s perfectly normal in many friendship to ask ‘did you get the fanny flutters?’

You need to stop imposing your anxieties on your DS though. It is perfectly normal for teenagers to have this type of discussion.

Imo Adolescence has demonised the perfectly normal behaviour of all teenage boys.

Only the other day, he was talking to me about how most of his friends get one when they are being taught by a certain teacher at their school, so they obviously discuss this type of thing freely

There's a line between "it's natural, how embarrassing, think about cold showers"; and "it's natural, go ahead and talk about your teacher as a sex object with your mates and your mum". In this case and in OP's case I'm concerned that line is being crossed.

Shame/embarrassment serves a useful social function.

Does that mean "lassie banter" should be banned as well? I remember being 12/13 the constant topic was periods, ,bras, whose snogged a boy, what was it like, have you seen a boys willy etc. Its normal teenage chit chat

It was obvious from your post what you meant. People just love to leap to the dramatic.

Because of course teenage girls never swoon over attractive male PE teachers 🤨

I haven't heard about the male PE teachers leaving in droves due to sexual harassment from teenage girls, but I may have missed it

Your son is probably mortified. If nothing else he will learn not to say things like that in his mum's earshot

You've conflated 2 things a 14 year old talking about having an erection and misogyny. He now feels that having an erection is wrong, when it's completely normal to have an erection. The reaction is just ott, he wasn't speaking to the girl or directing what he was saying at a girl he was talking to his mate. You've embarrassed him for no good reason. By all means talk about treating girls well and respecting them, but there was no need to do it off the back of listening into this conversation, which I'd consider tame and normal lad chat at this age.

I agree. I couldn't get past the second episode because it was a crock of utter shite.

I think this is perfectly understandable.

Can you have another chat with your boy?

' Son, I've been thinking a bit more about what I heard. I was a bit shocked because to me you'll always be my baby, but I can also see you're growing up to be a man.
There's nothing wrong with getting an erection by talking to or thinking of a girl, and of course you can discuss that with your friends. Its your penis after all! If you have any questions you can come to me anytime and I'll do my best to answer.
Its also important not to talk disrespectfully about girls. For example, don't tell a girl you have an erection or push it against her without her consent. Dont send pictures of it. I know its awkward to talk about, I'm sorry. But these things are really important but also really, really complex. Please do ask me any questions you have. I love you.' Etc etc.

I would have not let on that I’d heard, given it a few days then had (or ideally sent dad to have!) a general chat about if he or his friends fancied any girls and how that made him feel. Hopefully by now you’ve had some general chats about puberty so you can tie it up!

As a teen my response to this scenario if my mum had made it clear she’d been listening to me, would’ve been to be considerably more secretive about phone calls with my friends, removing an Avenue for my parents to keep an eye on me. It’s ok to have a bit of a covert ear out on a teen, especially a neurodivergent one, but unless someone is in danger you really need to be quite measured in your response to avoid really shaming them for what are, ultimately, normal feelings.

Being "Very fearful of my ds's treatment of women and girls as they grow up." is not a normal state to exist in. Yes, parents of boys might have this as an issue on their radar along with making sure that their son eats their 5 a day, looks both ways before crossing the road, or wears suncream. But it's not an overwhelming fear for most parents.

"I want to prevent future disrespect and abuse." You want to protect past you. You want to stop anyone else from being hurt like you were. Worrying that your son is a monster isn't going to do that.

Get more therapy for yourself.

This is harmful for your son

I think a chat about misogyny and language was probably called for - but it’s important not to make him feel embarrassed and humiliated for a conversation with a mate. He’s at a sexually curious age - I wouldn’t have referenced overhearing him, or condemned him, but simply had the conversation at the weekend to ensure he understands the implications of those types of conversations. I’d also make sure Tate brother type websites are blocked on your wifi and his phone account.

Fgs she can't now say that to him lol

There are barely any male teachers and a lot of males dont come into professions to work with children purely because of worries about allegations etc

Sexual assault is obviously not ok but children will develop crushes on adults around them, its normal.

Misogyny?? Not in this case. Not with the actual definition of misogyny.

Appropriate conversation? Maybe. If his friend was happy to talk about personal stuff with him, I think it's okay for them to discuss things openly as long as both parties are fine with it. It will make anyone uncomfortable if they overhear it but that doesn't make it wrong for friends to chat about sexual stuff in their teens. It happens. I'd just guide him to not cross the line to inappropriate behaviour or conversation about others.

Appropriate behaviour? Definitely. It's one thing to talk about things. It's another thing to behave appropriately with everyone, boys and girls included. So that conversation needs to be had OFTEN in both casual and serious circumstances, and not as a way to reprimand or shame, which isn't effective.

Kids fancying a fit teacher and swooning over them has got nothing to do with sexual harassment.

You really do need to try and split out normal behaviour from the concerning or you'll risk damaging your DS.

Thankyou! 😂