Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

I think it’s a very fine line to walk between guiding them to appropriate conversation and not shaming them for wanting to discuss sexual topics in a healthy way.

We hear so much about male mental health and loneliness and shutting down their opportunities to talk isn’t good, but I can kind of understand your concern about objectifying girls.

Call me naive but I had no idea boys/men get erections from simply talking to girls/women.....

This is how 14 year old boys talk, he wasn’t saying anything mean or nasty towards women, I wouldn’t think anything of it and it’s not fair to shame him. Young lads are going to have erections and i’m sure they talk about far worse when out and about with their friends.

How long ago was that? I was a child in the 60s. Time of free love, Woodstock, the Pill. What OP overheard was tame. She's just shocked to find her son has sexual thoughts.

There are a lot of very 'ignorant' posters here. Either you led a sheltered life or closed your ears.

There are these things call sex chats. You can pay for them online.

(I assume you're joking, by the way.)

Let me introduce you to the world of men where we often do.

Honestly I thought females did it even more all things considered.

OP Nothing wrong with this conversation in the slightest, very normal, very healthy, it's good to talk about your feelings sexual and otherwise sometimes with peers so you don't feel like a freak. The sentence you described sounds like perfectly fine banter, that you were not supposed to hear.

Sorry but wtf 🤢OP’s son is fine, checking your mates pubes, is not.

Oh for God sake - get the stick out of your arse!

Tbh another concern is what it the 13 year old boy's parents aren't cool with him discussing sex on the phone with my ds? We've lost so many friends and family members due to ds' behaviour in the past

Teenagers talk about nothing else but their genitals a lot of the time.

I hope he listens to his wise mum!

Its alarming because its a sign they are growing up and maturing sexually. And we know we dont like that talk, because we developed into that attitude.

Its difficult when you realise they are growing up sexually, as a mum, particularly in the way you did. I do feel for you there.

But I think you need to step back a little here and calm down.

Normalising sexual health discussion with peers is the best way to get men, who so often refuse to go to the doctor for anything at all, to find out if somethign is normal and healthy, or an A&E visit. Men need to talk more.

Your DS was teasing his friend about being in luuuurve heh heh heh - rather than being disrespectful about the girl they were discussing. Sounds normal to me, as does his having been mortified that you overheard.

I overheard my son saying to his friend "er, mate, you're on speakerphone and my mum and sister are here" [n.b. they weren't in fact on speakerphone]. DS then laughed his head off, and wouldn't tell us afterwards what his friend had said.

I am very very sorry you've been through that, what help have you received? The degree to which your past abuse is still impacting you is not at all helpful for your son.
You're projecting your fear of what men are capable of onto your son.

This isn't an issue with him. It's an issue that you need help with

Completely agree. However I wasn’t talking about men, this woman and her friend check each others pubes for grey hairs and for vaginal dryness, it’s grim.

It is perfectly normal for teenage boys (and girls) to talk about people they are attracted to, and that can sometimes be crude.

It has happened for centuries and I’m not sure discussion of Adolescence is particularly relevant. I can guarantee than teenage girls will have conversations with each other about boys that will be similar in tone.

My dude a 14 year old teen lad will probably get an erection from seeing a hole in a tree that looks like a vulva. Id hate to be a sexual emotion in a young teen lads head id be on duty 24/7 🤣🤣

I've had therapies, and I think that I am very fearful of my ds's treatment of women and girls as they grow up. I want to prevent future disrespect and abuse.

Not at all sheltered. But the pornification of sex for young people was really not a thing. There is a reason that young people are protected.

They’re teenage boys. This is probably at the mild end of the spectrum insofar as their conversations go.

Teenagers are going to teenager. Unless he starts showing signs of turning into Ted Bundy I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Gosh, there are an awful lot of people on this thread who clearly haven't spent a lot of time in the company of boys/teenage boys/men/civilised grown up men with sensible jobs.

An awful lot of them talk about theirs and each others privates a lot of the time, it's literally one of their favourite past times! It's incredibly normal.

I can understand OP's shock or worry at hearing her son talk about something so grown up and sexual but as long as they weren't talking about inappropriate things they wanted to do with or to the girl I think this is fine. You covered the potential for inappropriate behaviour or thoughts with your talk, but it was probably boys just talking about dicks as they so love to do! I think you'll both be fine.

It is with us ☺️

You know we dont actually drop our kecks and inspect each others fannys, right?

Sorry I really should have said men and women - everyone should have more free and easy conversations about health matters, sexual and otherwise!